Thinking Diva

Recently in a moment of awareness I discovered that it is easier to see the negative nature of others than it is to see my own negativity. I realized a few months back that I was deliberately putting out there that I did not want to be in a relationship when in fact I do, I was too scared to admit it to myself. The truth is I love being in a relationship, I enjoy having one man in my life and have never enjoyed dating several people while in search of a fit. I made a conscious decision over the past two years that I wanted to make healthier choices and the key for me was to become completely comfortable with myself first by not dating. In doing so I convince myself I didn’t want to date, but in truth I wanted to become a healthier person first so that I could attract a healthy person into my life. I needed to feel confident that I wanted a man to enhance my life not complete me, so my struggle was to feel complete first before allowing myself to date. When you begin to establish self love you begin to have self confidence. When you have self confidence you are much more aware of the people around you and your ability to make better choices, not only in dating but also in friendships. You begin to make healthier decisions because you are relying on your inner confidence by paying attention to inner feelings that come up while you are around other people. I believe it is all based on energy, if I am positive in my thinking my energy is higher and I will attract healthy, positive people in to my life. If I believe I am worthy of love then love will find me, if I believe I don’t deserve love then I won’t. I see the same thing working with friendship and business relationships, by believing they exist and that I deserve them I begin attracting healthy minded people into my life.

My decision to not date for a while was a healthy one, two years ago I made a list with all of the things I wanted in a man, I made it so detailed in fact that I had to laugh with the thought of how such a person could actually exist. It seemed as though I was being so picky that no one could have all those characteristics in real life, still I had read somewhere to do the exercise because it worked…so I did. I started to feel a shift in my thoughts several months ago when I realized that by saying to others out loud I did not want to date I was not being true to what I felt inside. The truth was that I did not care to date just anyone I wanted to meet the right one for me and I didn’t want to have to weed through men to find that one. I had so much fear of getting hurt there was no way I would attract someone into my life because I was putting negative energy out unknowingly. I believe when we are struggling with these sort of subconscious issues we put out mixed signals with our talking, tone of voice and body language. I want to be in a committed relationship and I was scared to admit my actual fear was if I found someone I was crazy about and told the world, I would be embarrassed that I exposed myself if the relationship fell apart. I didn’t want people to see my vulnerable side and I would then have to admit I was wrong. I was living in this fear and it was not even a reality. I was self projecting without even knowing it and I was not giving myself a chance of what if, because I was already focused on the negative. By saying I did not want to date I was hiding and hiding makes it easy to look good but by hiding you can not be found. We can not find the right person without allowing ourselves to look, to make mistakes and to try again. We must learn to trust not only others but ourselves. I had finally become very comfortable with my singleness and with allowing myself the possibility of what might be out there. Around the time I was having these thoughts I noticed something very interesting about myself…I had unknowingly started watching a lot of romantic comedies. The reason this is interesting is that for over a year I did not want to see anything showing love, intimacy or couples because it would bring up my inner loneliness and my fear that I would never find the right guy. In reality it had nothing to do with anyone else, I just lacked self confidence and my “Self Talk” needed to change. I needed to believe there was someone out there for me and feel it was true rather than believe no such man existed. It made me sad to see others in love because I wanted to experience that so badly but deep down I had doubts that I deserved love because I lacked the confidence to admit I was good enough or that it existed. I coped by telling everyone I didn’t want a relationship and that I loved being single. I knew that I needed the time to work on myself, on my thinking and to become a healthier individual but I was also putting a very negative message out to keep my heart safe. When you have the ability to become aware of your negative self conscious “Talk”, just that awareness can begin shifting your thoughts. I then noticed I had all of a sudden started watching movies about love and I no longer felt lonely, instead I felt happy because I felt there was a possibility that love would come into my life because I knew I was living in a better mind set. I felt an inner confidence focusing on the excitement of being in a relationship rather than the negative feeling of believing the right man was not out there for me. I started to believe that wonderful feeling of sharing my life with a partner again would someday exist. I smiled thinking of what that would feel like and what the possibility of love could bring into my life. I know this all may sound silly but I really do feel it is all on the way I have to trust it will happen as it should and just focus on feeling good no matter what.

Another thing that showed me a shift in my thinking was the birth of ReTune Nashville. For years I have asked for and prayed that something would come into my life that would allow me to give back, not just a financial give but a giving of myself to others with out expecting anything in return. ReTune was an accident brought on by a silly idea originating from an unplanned, unfortunate event…a flood. The inner fulfillment this project has brought to me so far is beyond words and we are not even half way to achieving our mission. It has only strengthened my belief in prayer and in positive thinking, we don’t always get what we want right away or when we think we need it. Sometimes someone else knows better when things are supposed to come into being, we just have to believe it is on the way and that it is happening exactly as it should.

What I am attempting to share here is that we need to really pay attention to what we are putting out there, what are we subconsciously sharing with the world? We need to pay attention to our thoughts, what we say and our response to sensitive issues. We often operate in auto pilot repeating ideas and thoughts that may not be as positive as we think. We may be unconsciously putting negative ideas out there because it has over time become a mechanism to protect our hearts from being hurt. We may be playing it safe without even knowing it by operating from fear of what happened in the past. If we open our hearts, take chances and experience the possibility of wonderful things we allow ourselves to experience life not just live it. If we are playing it safe for fear of making a wrong decision or getting our heart broke chances are we are not really living our full potential. If we are experiencing happiness our energy is higher and better things are more likely to come our way and to continue.

I want to live from this point on as if it were my last day on earth. I want to create more, give more, share more and love deeper than I have ever done in my past. The worst thing that can happen is I could fall down a few times but I still have the strength to get up and keep trying so there is absolutely no excuse for my not creating an extraordinary life for myself, even now at 45.

How about you, what are you saying to yourself that could be turned around in a way to make you feel stronger and happier. Pay attention to things that don’t feel good and become aware of what your self conscious mind is saying. Be honest with yourself and with others in a positive way and I can assure you that your life will become a happier place. Give it a try and let me know what you find out! Sending love out to all of you, now it is your turn to spread the word and make a difference!

So much has happened lately, the emotions brought on by the flood, seeing people hurt and rebuild, watching people join together and the strange birth from out of no where of ReTune Nashville into my life.  I have had many moments of self reflection and with each moment I keep thinking of the gift of life and the road that led me here.  For me there is a newly found happiness of just being, I am happy 95% of the time with an occasional bad mood but I realize I am in charge of my mood so it has become easier to react to things based on how I want to feel.  Feeling good happens when I am in a good mood therefore I choose to be in a good mood no matter what.

For some reason the same two questions continue popping up in my mind. Who am I?  What is my purpose?  After all this time it is these two questions that never seem go away completely.  Even when I feel I have found myself, discovered a secret to life and maybe even stumbled upon my purpose. There will be a point in time where these questions will resurface because life is continuous, always moving in a forward direction even when I don’t feel that it is.  I thought mine was on hold the past 9 years but looking in the mirror at the lines slowly collecting around my eyes I am reminded that time is marching on.

So my story is clear, it is all the things I have done, places I have been, people who have filtered through my life in various ways over time and how I have allowed all of my choices to lead my life to where I am right now.  But who I am?  I am what I think I am and I do believe that sometimes it is not what others see.  So often we filter in opinions of our self based on a false meaning from what someone said or how we interpreted what someone said.  Who we are is up to us, we have a choice in how we see ourselves and we have a choice in what we choose to believe.

Who am I?  I do know that this is and will continue to change until the day I die because time will not stop as long as I am breathing. I am a woman who loves her family.  They are and will always be the most important part of me (even if Mom thought it was cute to dress me as a skunk for halloween).  I am a very open minded person yet at times I feel I am somehow trapped by my conservative upbringing.  Yes I marvel over those who can ink up their bodies in grande displays, not because they have the balls to do it but because they have the courage to be who they believe they are no matter how others look at them.  I am a woman who feels deeply and wants to give of myself more now than I have ever wanted in my past.  I know I am intelligent although at times I feel really dumb at certain things.  I feel attractive at times but I continue to question my identity with hopes of one day secretly winning a makeover and rediscovering a diamond that I always knew was there I just had no idea how to make it shine.  I am always trying to find ways to challenge my mind and to make money through what I love but I also have found a new joy in being quiet and living simple.  I love to talk when I am around those I know but when I am around strangers I am shy and reserved.  I feel healthy, I enjoy my work outs most every day, I feel better when I eat better and I love my dog.  I have, for the first time in my life become completely content with being single and although I would love to be asked out on occasion by someone I am attracted to I feel no panic in my lack of men or my not being in a relationship.  I believe when it is time it will happen and that it is all happening exactly as it should.  I am for the first time in my life living with no worry of where my career or time will take me, I have goals and dreams but I am ok with how things fall into place because I believe that there is something bigger guiding me in the right direction.  I trust my forward path will be as it should because I am healthier in my thinking, I am spiritual and I know I am being guided.  I have embraced self love in ways I never thought I could and I believe it has given me not only confidence but also restored happiness to my life that was missing for a very long time.  Most of all I have found an enormous amount of love with in me and it makes me want to pass it on knowing how powerful that is and how good it feels.

Perhaps I am just a bunch of words, and what if I am, what if to me words are just a way for me to cope and to grow.  What if words are also my secret gift to others without even knowing it.  Often as I am writing I imagine myself as the narrator of a movie, a simple story of an average person living an average life, but it is how the words are expressed that matters, that is also what makes the story stand on its own.  Words have the potential to make a story unfold but they also have the ability to make you feel the story.  The truth is my story really doesn’t matter to you.  Who am I?  Who are you?  What is your story?  Can you tell me in a way that will make me feel, can you tell your love ones things in ways that make them feel, what is it that they are feeling from your story.  Is it a good story, if not how can it be?  Maybe we would all be in a better place, perhaps a happier place if we thought about our story and spoke it in a way where people not only felt it but it brought a smile.  You are your story so start creating, the past is the past it doesn’t carry meaning unless you allow it to.  Think about it….I am!

Tonight was a huge reminder that I am who I am.  I believe that the core of our being is planted when we are very young.  No matter what happens along the way, that embedded core transforms into personality traits which in turn leads to our purpose and our being.  I believe that what we experience at a very young age and how we choose to interpret it creates who we will become.  I think that depending on the early experience (between the age of two to maybe ten) we place meaning on what happens, and then we continue to experience that throughout life based on the meaning we gave the experience.

Tonight was my WMBA (Woman’s Music Business Association) annual cocktail party and yearly award ceremony at the Acorn in Nashville.  As always I went alone, sat at a table alone the first 30 minutes as we all ate and after a glass of wine I was relaxed enough to mingle.  As a child I would always sit in the back corner of the room as I did tonight, my reason for this is so that I won’t draw attention to myself (as if no one wonders why the chick in the back of the room is sitting alone).  Throughout life I never enjoyed being in front of people, never enjoyed being the center of attention, never wanted to be called upon in class and I never wanted to win anything because I hated the thought of being in front of a crowd.  I believe it stems from my story (in earlier blog post) with kids making fun of me because of my speech impediment and I do realize at 45 that this is all self inflicted.

As I sat there tonight another trait from my childhood resurfaced, that of not paying attention.  I have always had a difficult time staying focused and using my time wisely.  These days it is referenced to as ADD and although I will not allow myself to be tested or to accept that title I do believe there is some truth that I may have a small percentage of this behavior.  I recently found an early report card (image attached) that stated that I needed improvement in those areas and it serves as a reminder that those issues have carried through to today some 36 years later.  I find it interesting those report card notes from my early years are still a part of who I am today.

As the award show started I quickly lost attention and struggled to stay focused on what was being said.  My friend Dina sent a text, she is leaving in the morning from New Orleans and wanted to know if I was interested in splitting a sack of raw oysters upon her return.  Being from Florida I couldn’t resist the temptation and as I was responding to her text quietly in the back of the room my name came across the loud speaker.  Like a deer in the headlights I looked up to see the whole room staring at me and clapping their hands.  In that moment fear gripped my entire body, somehow I was able to walk to the front of the room, not knowing why exactly but realizing I had won some award.  The microphone was handed to me and I was asked to speak…crickets.  I had no idea what I was just awarded nor did I have a clue what to say, so, as I have learned with age the best path to take is honesty.  I admitted that I was not paying attention, I was texting for oysters, showed the crowd gratitude for the award and nervously in my moment of embarrassment (auto pilot kicked in) I rambled off some story from my childhood and walked away ashamed.

With age I have come to realize that emotions pass very quickly when you don’t allow yourself to hold on to them.  My embarrassment subsided and later I was approached with congratulations and only wished I knew what for, the award was titled “Extra Mile Award”.  I have not won an award in many, many years so I am very honored to have won.  The WMBA is a wonderful organization and I feel privileged to be a part of it.  Although I do not feel I have done anything to earn an award I must have done something because I was voted in and it is with great honor.

Tonight, I learned a big lesson, texting is not only bad to do while driving but it is also bad to do at an award show.  I am glad that I was able to bring some laughter to everyone in the room tonight and I think with my new “Extra Mile Award” title I will go the extra mile and say even if some of my not so desirable traits are still with me from my childhood, I will use them in ways that bring laughter to others!  Yes my humiliation for some reason always brings laughter and I am ok with that because that brings me joy.  Sending love until next time…

I have to admit something is going on.  I am unsure of what it is but I can feel something deep inside that I can’t explain.  Over the past few years I have studied metaphysics a little and read numerous self-help books.  I have been on a spiritual search and feel I have come to an awakening of sorts but I still feel there is some little something still missing, I can’t put my finger on it and I have no idea what it is but I feel it is there.  Does any of that make sense to any one else?  I have been in Nashville now for almost 9 years and have hoped that in that amount of time I would burry my past, re-invent who I am and become an amazing new persona that could change the world.  Perhaps a little corny to the masses but I have always been a dreamer.  I think I have always hoped that I could be one of those people who had that instant life changing moment that would remold me into someone different, full of meaning, confidence and insight, someone who made a difference, someone you read about or see in some documentary on tv.  I have always thought that those things happened in a flash and one day you are just different.

This past week I was re-united with some old high school friends through facebook after I was tagged in some pictures posted from around 1981-1983. For some reason it has stirred up a lot of emotions and some realities I have not thought of before or perhaps they were just buried.  When I look at those people of my past and see where they are now, all of their lives seem to be centered around family, kids and their significant other. As I have said before, for the first time in my life I feel really comfortable with who I am and with not being in a relationship.  Yet, this week I am feeling like I have fallen short because I have no responsibility other than making sure I pay my bills each month.  I have no other obligations, no one to worry about, no where to be, no one who wonders where I am if I don’t come home (other than the big white pink eared dog).  All of a sudden it feels so strange to me and I have to admit I feel a little out of sorts.  I feel so free and content yet at the same time that I missed out on life’s true gift…that of giving life, a family, being a mom, giving my life to someone else rather than just focusing on myself.

Last night I pulled my old year books out wanting to see a picture of someone I heard had passed away, I knew the name but needed to connect a face.  I found myself engulfed in those books for an hour, looking at all the pictures and reading all the notes my friends had left in between each page.  The strangest part of the hour was knowing it was me back then but not really recognizing that person any more.   I read my senior yearbook post and it said that I hoped to be happily married “someday”, to have a successful career and to make my parents proud.  As I sat there a little teary eyed I realized how much we make words take on meaning that society has buttered us up into believing is the only way we will be happy.  I had a marriage and although I am sure it was happy in the beginning it was not in the end and it has made me wonder if I will ever cross that bridge again.  I know my career has been successful but where I stand right now I feel it is in need of some huge changes due to technology shifts and I am questioning everything in regards to what I am truly supposed to be doing.  I do feel like I have made my parents proud but at the same time I believe they were always proud of me so in a sense that was just an empty statement a 17 year old thinks when faced with the reality of adulthood.

I have felt lately I am floundering around like a fish out of water, even writing this feeling like there is really no direction just hoping something will shift in an instant, that a light bulb will go off and in that moment I will be a different person.  Even with self love and spirit how come I am not complete?  How can I love “ME” yet feel I am still looking for a purpose, I don’t want to call it career but I know what we do with our time holds as much importance as loving ourselves and believing in God or what ever you want to name it.  My idea of the person I want to be is someone who gives something back to the world in a way that truly makes a difference.  The person I feel like I am is invisible.  I think this goes back to the way we put meaning to things, the way we beat ourselves up at times.  The weirdest part of this whole thing is that I love “ME” right now, I do feel comfortable in my skin, with my spirituality and my relationship with God.  So if I have that knowing I never had that comfort in my past why does it still feel as if I am still falling short?

So many questions, so much more in this life to learn and wanting so badly to understand it all.  Sitting here this morning as I write, I am enjoying the gentle breeze coming through the window.  I can hear a flurry of birds, many different kinds in the distance chattering amongst themselves.  I can hear the neighbor talking baby talk to their little one as she speaks back in some strange language only a parent would understand.  Someone just cranked up some music, I think it is Tracy Chapman as I recognize the melody yet I can’t make out the song.  Such simple things yet all of them make me feel better.  In this exact moment of my self indulged confusion I feel a little relief just from the sounds softly filtering in, the perfect temperature, the sun, the blue sky.  Although it is not completely quiet I think this is what quiet is supposed to be.  Today no matter what my state of mind, or perhaps confusion I think I will spend my day alone out in my yard just being, enjoying the spring weather, doing a few chores and thinking about my life.  I am sure another post will come from this and my hope is that it will be insightful.  If not for you at least for me.  Have a wonderful weekend everyone, sending love and thank you for reading!  SMOOCH!!!!

I had the chance to spend some time with friends celebrating the arrival of spring but I opted to spend some alone time reflecting, enjoying time with the big white pink eared dog and loving the beautiful weather.  I began to think about my past life and the defining life moments that have occurred that have molded me into who I am.  I thought it might be therapeutic to write the list in order to feel the full release and to define each individually.

The older I get the more I notice that I feel others sadness when dealing with the embarrassment of public humility.  It is the biggest reason I tend to watch less tv, especially the news.  It seems that no matter how thick our skin is there are times that something said can affect us in a negative and hurtful way.  We are often too busy worrying about what others think about us or we are passing judgment about others and we forget we all originated from the same cloth.  Tiger Woods is a perfect example, though I do not agree with his actions I believe the media has taken it too far, let the man deal with his bad choices on his own and in private.  It amazes me and saddens me that our society gets so much pleasure in others pain and humility.

In my younger-past life I was very sensitive to others opinions, to the stares of those who seemed to look down on me and to those who did not like me no matter how hard I tried to make them think differently.  I worked hard to be accepted and wanted everyone to love me.  I would sometimes do things I did not want or agree with for acceptance.  Thank God I am still here to talk about them because some of the things I did in my teens could have taken my life had the circumstances been different in even a split second of the moment.

I struggled in elementary school with a speech impediment that made me different, it made other kids talk down to me and it hurt.  While they were out playing kick ball, laughing and having fun I was in a classroom trying to learn how to talk like everyone else.  As I grew older those internal feelings grew and I allowed them to manifest into something I believed not something that truly was.  I never felt I was good enough, I never felt pretty enough and I allowed my thoughts to take over my choices by settling.  I stayed in relationships that offered reinforcement on my belief through manipulation because I thought I deserved less.  I never trusted because in my mind everyone was planning to hurt me, I was outwardly doing everything I could to be accepted but privately I was sad and very alone.  I believed that loving yourself meant that you were selfish and self centered and I had become a victim in my own thinking, I was living my story…one that I myself created in my own mind.  The person here before you now is very different from that person, although at times some of those old thoughts may resurface I am always aware and I am able to find my true self, that self that I know I love.

For me something happened…something shifted somewhere around the time I entered my forties.  Perhaps it was the mere fact that I finally began the battle of wanting to love myself and except, honor and be grateful for what I had, what I was and who I am.  I think the real factor was that I was truly tired of the struggle, of the sadness and I wanted to figure out how to be happy.  Wouldn’t it be great if we all could find that early in life so that discovering the truth self-love creates for us could be experienced by all.  Imagine how much more happiness we could have encountered in our lives if this were the case, now imaging how much more happiness your children could have if you teach these things to them now.

The idea for this post came to mind when I remembered an episode that happened on the playground in 1st grade way back when I was struggling with my speech impediment and my feeling of not fitting in.  I was friends with an african american girl named Karen and we would often take turns throwing the basketball after school on the basketball courts.  It is hard to believe that where I grew up there were practically no african american people who lived or went to school with me and there were no other ethnic kids in our school.  Even today I hate that we have to use titles to represent the color of skin (or sexual preference) to define a person who is not a straight caucasian.  On this particular day as we walked to the basketball court two boys started saying awful, judgemental things to Karen because of her color.  It was obvious she was used to being talked down to in that way and she began to walk away as the boy’s continued with their rudeness.  For whatever reason and without even thinking about my actions I stood next to her with a basketball planted between my arm and resting on my hip full of attitude and confidence as I told the boys we were staying and were playing whether they wanted us to or not.  Through her humility on that day in that instant I saw a faint smile and she stayed there with me regardless of the fear she was feeling.  At the time I did not realize what an impact that must of made on her but she stayed my friend until we moved on to different schools.  I never saw her as a color but as a girl that I liked to hang out with and I have to thank my mother for those morals because she always told me that I should always treat others as I would want to be treated because in Gods eyes we are all the same.

Most of my life I allowed myself to experience humility and felt it was what I deserved, boy did I have that all wrong and now I realize it was something I made up in my own mind.  I believe that this is the reason I have always felt drawn to those who are different, to those who might be considered strange, damaged or less fortunate…perhaps it is the reason I want so badly to give something back and to make others feel good about themselves.

In my quest the greatest lesson I have learned is that you can’t make everyone love you no matter how hard you try but you can make your thoughts about what people think or say mean NOTHING….it is all how you think and what you allow yourself to believe.  Most of the time we have it all wrong in believing that someone else is even thinking about us.  Insecurity runs rampant when we allow it to but we always have the choice to love ourselves enough for it not to matter.  This is what I choose, this is who I have become and my hope is that if I can touch even just one person out there in a way that changes their self-thought in a positive way I have made some sort of difference.  As always I am sending love to all because love is the truth of why we are here.  The greatest thing you can do in life is to give love and compassion so pass it on….

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!

I have spent many holidays alone since moving to Nashville eight years ago.  I have found that there is a distinct loneliness in doing that but at the same time it allows me to reflect on what I like or dislike about my life.  It enables me to see more clearly what I have to be grateful for and often what I want to change.  I will admit I would love to be with family or have a significant other to celebrate the holiday with but I believe this is an opportunity for me to think deeply during these quiet times and discover what is truly important.  Last night (Christmas Eve) I went to a church service alone and knew no one.  In the brief time there I was moved by some of the simplest things.  I witnessed a grandfather sitting in front of me holding his grandchild.  I watched her look lovingly and admiringly into his eyes, her small hands wrapped softly around his neck and I felt the presence of love as he kissed her cheek repeatedly.  I saw another small child in her grandmothers arms staring with amazement at the candle light with a smile that would make the coldest of hearts melt.  I witnessed the sound or people singing, smiling and laughing.  I saw people hugging, kissing and holding hands, their eyes showed true sparkles of love as they looked at each other throughout the night all in honor of the birth of Christ.  It reminded me once again how important love is in our lives and how simple it is to give and receive yet so often we don’t allow ourselves to experience it because we get so caught up in the busyness of our days. As the last song was being sung I slipped out the back feeling overwhelmed with emotion not wanting to make eye contact with anyone.

I sat in the parking lot as my eyed filled with tears and tried to figure out exactly what I was feeling, it was not necessary sadness because a part of me was so happy to have witnessed love all around me.  As I drove home I thought how different my night might be if I had still been in the relationship with my last partner or if I had decided to drive down to Florida to be with my family.  Then I thought about Todd and how only a year ago I was grieving his death.  I couldn’t help but take a right turn off my path home to drive by the house he had lived in and passed away in.  I couldn’t help but break down emotionally as I neared the house.  At that moment through teary eyes I was moved by what I saw and what I realized.  There was a Christmas tree in the living room window, the lights were on in many of the rooms and the house seemed to have a life to it.  As I turned the corner I saw in the light of the kitchen a very small child with a huge smile on his/her face and a memory came to mind of Todd holding me there more than a year and a half ago. Through the tears in that instant I realized how amazing life is, how much can change in a moment and how brief our time is here on this earth.  Seeing life in that house where only a year before there was none moved me in a way that can’t be expressed in words it can only be felt.  More and more I am realizing that life is about feeling things not just going through the motions.

As I sit here tonight writing these words alone on Christmas I can say I am ready to live because for the first time in a long time I am feeling life again.  Even feeling sad on occasion and lonely at times I realize as long as I turn those feelings into something positive I know what lies ahead is better than anything I could have ever have experienced in my past.  The reason is that with all the lessons of my past I take only the good, I forgive and I move forward believing there are better things out there for me as I become a better person through each lesson.

This year I have come to realize that like myself there are people out there struggling right now-feeling lost, lonely and unsure of what their future holds.  We are never, EVER alone!  Many people have lost jobs, lost homes, lost saving, lost relationships and lives have been stripped down like never before.  We are at a place where fear has taken hold and people seem to be sad or angry over their current state of affairs.  Yes it is a time of uncertainty, that has been proven over and over in the media.  I choose to believe that maybe….just maybe this is an opportunity like never before to be who we are truly supposed to be.  That the “stripping down”? is an amazing opportunity to look within ourselves in order to discover a treasure that each of us has to offer, something of ourselves, unselfishly to those around us, to love and to feel.  Maybe this is supposed to bring us together rather than separate us with the materialistic world we have grown to want. To realize a materialistic lifestyle distances us as individuals because in order to live that life style we stop feeling due to the busyness it creates.  Life is supposed to be felt, not covered up, not numbed but felt.  I have always believed that the deeper the hurt the greater the joy on the other side as long as you believe.  Love is what we all need because we are human and it is so easy to give. Regardless of how my holiday was spent it was absolutely perfect.  Although I felt somewhat lonely I realize that love is the answer to everything.  Happy holidays my friends and thank you for reading!

It is strange how your body feels when your heart  is really let down.  The thoughts of what was race through your mind along with what could have been, your heart aches and you don’t even think about food.  There is a strange emptiness within, a bit of a lost feeling and a loneliness.  Days go by and you go through the motions mostly wanting to crawl into bed and sleep only so you will forget how bad you hurt.  You hide out not wanting to see or talk to people and if you do go out it doesn’t take away the hurt , it only covers it up for a bit. The hardest part is getting your mind to stop and to refocus in a forward direction, never allowing yourself to feel anger or self pity.

I had a very long post prepared from my Thanksgiving week planned to go here but I have put it on hold for a bit.  This is so that I can move forward.  I started this blog to share my experiences in order to help others, so many times it has come back around and taught me about myself while helping, I think I am sharing today hoping to get comments that will help me so please feel free to email me if you have something to say.

My life over the past few months had taken a turn and was amazingly happy, fun and different.  It was a world wind, something I wanted and something I needed.  Although I wanted to go slow it had a mind of its own.  The ride was wonderful but it did not last for reasons that right now really don’t matter. Standing where I am and always looking at things with an open mind I can say I have learned more about me than anything. This was the first time in my life I allowed myself to experience each moment with out judgment but being completely aware of what my gut was telling me. Right now it is a disappointment only because of the fun and happiness I experienced that is no longer there, the reality of the situation was there in my gut a while back. I am proud that all the work I have done over the past few years gave me that awareness, prepared me and is giving me strength to deal with it in a positive manner.

What I have learned over these few months is that being open with someone needs to be done slowly.  Most people will say things when you first get to know them wanting so badly to make a good impression and I believe that is a natural part of human nature.  I am a very honest and open person and I think it is difficult for some to understand or to sometimes take that side of me.  If you feel a certain way because of something someone says I believe you have the option to allow it to effect you the way you choose.  There can not be blame in others words because we have the ability to think what we want. Most of all I have learned that there are no guarantees.  We can choose to be cautious and hold our self back from experiencing things due to fear or we can choose to take a chance and enjoy what ever comes knowing in a moment things could change.  I will always choose taking a chance but I also choose to always be myself and never loose that part of me while in a relationship. A good relationship is not always saying or doing what the other expects from you, it is the joining of two different people and when there are uncomfortable situations you discuss them.  If there is no discussion and you hold them in you allow that to manifest and nothing good ever comes from manifesting negative feelings. Communication and honesty is always the best method for getting to know someone and knowing if you are compatible.

Regardless of this feeling I am experiencing right now I know these things about myself and my beliefs.  I am a good person and I have a lot of love in my heart for others.  I have a lot of energy, I have a hard time sitting still especially watching tv and I don’t need a lot of sleep, I realize this is hard for some to take.   I like to learn, I like to see things, I love being creative and I enjoy music.  I enjoy being healthy through exercise and food.  I believe food in excess and drinking has become a vital part of socialization with in our culture.   With drinking weather it is “full on party time” or “just a few drinks a day” it is still allowing something to numb your awareness through comfort.   I can take it or leave it and it doesn’t need to be a part of my daily routine although I do enjoy it from time to time.  My being is not defined through others it comes from with in and it grows and improves from both positive and negative experiences and how I allow them to affect me.  I choose being positive no matter what, never blaming because I always have a choice.   When I hurt I want to allow myself to feel it knowing that my spirit is teaching me something about myself.  I believe there is something positive to be learned in every situation.  Most of all I know that everything is happening just as it should and with that alone I can move forward.  Though I am feeling a bit down there is a smile right around the corner. I will not allow myself to manifest a bad attitude, my sadness will be brief because I know there are so many more wonderful and beautiful things ahead that I still need to experience.

I will close by saying that I truly believe I am feeling good in this moment about my self and my situation because I have learned to love who I am.  Because of that I will focus on my thoughts, they will be directed on myself and my healing while overcoming this whirlwind.  Life is so sweet and has so many amazing things to offer.  I am grateful for all that I have, especially my wonderful parents, friends and the big eared white dog who is and always my little angel.

My next post will be my experience of change over the Thanksgiving week and will come soon.  Right now I am healing my heart and I am doing good.  Sending love out to all of you…thank you for reading!

I finally realize that we get what we give, no matter what- if we allow ourselves to love everyone, to give to others, to live without expectation and to believe that everything is perfect no matter what the outcome life becomes magically abundant. If you don’t believe it is possible it never will be, if you know anything is possible it all will be and if you are sitting on the fence what do you have to lose…