Thinking Diva

I slept in today and that is not something that happens often.  I actually was awake but couldn’t (for some reason) bring myself to want to get out of bed.  Today is Valentines Day and all week leading up to today I have read post, received emails and talked to friends who were dreading the day’s arrival.   “Love Stinks” parties and “Single Valentines” events for those sad souls who are without a partner.  Those who are in relationships complaining how the hype makes the holiday expensive with limited restaurant menu’s and expensive price tags.  All this stress over a day focusing on “LOVE”.   Why  do we really need a day to remind us to be grateful and celebrate the one or one’s we love.  Everyday we should be showing love and for a day that was created for the sake of love it seems so many are stressed out and wanting it to pass as quickly as possible.

I am happy today, my dad’s birthday was yesterday, this week several of my friends are celebrating their b-days and I have wonderful people I love in my life.  Today I started my day with a kiss and a hug to my big white pink eared dog and a call to my mom to say happy “V” day and “I love you”.  Sure, it would be great to have someone special to celebrate the occasion with and in time I will be in that place but I won’t need a “specific” day to remind me show love to that special someone, it will be shown everyday.

So I have to admit although I have been happy all week, grateful for the busy work week and looking forward to a little quiet relaxation time I have felt a little off.  I have been aware of it but not sure what it was about.  I avoided people all weekend and enjoyed spending time at home alone watching cheesy movies about falling in love.  I often with draw, I enjoy being alone at times, I am not feeling depressed in any way so although I am not feeling sociable I feel happy overall.  Perhaps I feel a little off because I am trying to use less sugar in my diet and have felt a little out of sorts over the experience and the failures at times.  I though it was the reason I was feeling restless all week and having a hard time focusing.

As I become a healthier person in mind, body and spirit I am learning that often things trigger past events in our lives.  That no matter how positive or happy we are there will always be times of reflection that might feel painful yet need to be experienced.  I believe these events happen because we need to be reminded of who we are, where we have been and by believing that happiness lies with in our own minds we keep moving forward.  These events are reminders for us to see the beauty in all things, good or bad, and to live life feeling and growing rather than being numb to the process.  More often than not if we keep a positive mind set and believe these events are there to help us grow we will see something beautiful on the other side from the experience.  Individually, for each of us this is our very own road of life, we make the decisions where and when to turn so we must live with where ever we end up!  I choose to be happy no matter where I land.

The truth is that Todd has been on my mind a lot this week and I think maybe Valentines is the trigger.  I have had some dreams of him, I have been missing him and I am sad that he is gone.  I never watch tv and this week found myself watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab, connecting so much with what was happening in the episode especially with the drama. For those of you who are new to my post, Todd passed away a year and a half ago of a drug overdose.  I dated him for two years prior and was unaware of his issues, after a year of dating and then moving in together I realized he had an addiction.  I tried to get him help and eventually had to break up with him because I could no longer handle his addiction.  It was a tough decision because I loved him dearly but I could no longer deal with the events that the drug and alcohol addiction had created in our lives, he died eight month later.  I have never been into drugs, I don’t even like to take aspirin and other than drinking alcohol on occasion I prefer to feel in control of my body, my mind and my actions.  I am very nieve to the habits and characteristics drugs create because I have no knowledge of what they do internally nor how they make you feel.  Now days everyone seems to be taking pharmaceutical drugs….personally I think these might be worse than any of the ones I knew about when I was younger.  The bottom line is that losing someone you love is tough especially when it is sudden and unexpected, it takes time to heal and although it gets easier over time things do resurface.  You do repeat the grieving process and remember the person who is no longer living.

Todd has been on my mind, although I have been happy this week there has been a slight unknowing sadness or feeling of being off.  I realized this morning while lying in bed that three years ago Todd had given me a beautiful saffire ring (not an engagement ring) for valentines, it was one of the most memorable and happy valentines I can remember ever having.

So here I am not sure why I am writing today but wanting to say something to lift my spirits and yours, at least those of you who may be feeling a bit down on this day of recognizing “LOVE”.  What I can say is this…I am ever so grateful that even though Todd has passed I had the opportunity to love him, to be loved by him knowing he loved me the best he could in light of his addiction and realizing that in life there are no guarantees.  We must remember to show our love to all those who are important to us, lovers, friends, family and even strangers.  Life is a constant learning platform with up’s and downs.  At times things may not seem fair, bad things do happen but the ability to think positive even when you might not be feeling it will make all the difference in your life and in being happy.

Love comes in many forms, kindness is the greatest and it is within all of us, it is free and always available to give. Today I am grateful for every single thing in my life.  Thinking of all those unfortunate people in Haiti and what they are having to endure makes me that much more grateful and makes me want to give more because I have the ability to do so.  Today I celebrate “Valentine Day” buy saying to all of you…those I know and those I do not, “I love you” for being who you are, for reading this and for being in my life.  Sending love out to everyone….until next time!  SMOOCH!!!!

Ahhh dating, we have all done it at some time in our life and know that it is either fun or not so fun.  This blog comes from my personal ideas of what I want when dating and what I have discovered I love about the process.  I have come to realize finally that in order to enjoy dating you must tell yourself  that you enjoy dating.  As I have said many times before your life reflects how you think.  I never allowed myself to enjoy dating in the past because in my mind I believed I hated it and that it was no fun to go through the uncomfortable process of meeting a stranger hoping to find love.  There will always be an occasional “BAD” date and definitely uncomfortable moments but I believe that when you decide to change your thoughts in a positive way things not only become fun but interesting!

To start I have never been very good at getting a date.  My girlfriends have said I don’t know how to flirt.  I am always that one girl that stands in the back or off to the side never making eye contact because of being shy.  My ex husband said he thought I was stuck up the first time he met me because of my being quiet and my stand-off-ish behavior.  My guy friends have said that I don’t pay attention and that overlook the interested guys and the opportunity to get a date.  I have discovered that once you embrace the idea many of these things fix themselves.  Getting a date can be as easy as smiling and making eye contact with someone I am interested in, figuring out where to find these men of attraction is a bit more difficult especially at 44.

My thoughts of dating in this very moment are that it is to be fun, be light hearted, and I must NOT be focused on wanting to find love.  I must allow time to happen and experiences to be as they are intended with no expectation knowing that if it is no longer fun I have the choice to move on.

I am in no way saying that I don’t want to be in a relationship nor that I’m not interested in finding love.  What I am saying is that dating is not necessarily those things and it can actually be fun, but only when you decide in your own mind that it can be.  I figure that if I spent half my life in relationships that I felt would not last and often was very unhappy in yet I stayed much longer than I should have…why not be single for a while and enjoy the experience solely for the sake of having fun and meeting new people.  I am learning that many times a date or a few might lead to the knowledge of  “this will never work” but can create a wonderful friendship.

I am a bit old fashion when it comes to dating, much like a young school girl in my thinking.  I’m shy with many aspects of  getting to know someone and I am always guarded when it comes to sex.  The other night I had a conversation with a man and he assured me that ALL men want sex and have it on their mind especially in the beginning stages of dating.  As a woman knowing this makes me a bit uncomfortable in how to act.  I often find myself being more reserved because I don’t want my date to perceive through playful flirting I want to sleep with him.  I was assured by my male friend that this is not the case with many women today and based on our conversation it is not uncommon for a woman to be intimate on the second or even first date.

While in the early stages of dating I prefer a guy to pursue me rather than my having to make an obvious effort although he will know that I am interested if I am.  My dating style is to be patient and get to know the guy for a while before becoming intimate, I don’t care what anyone says I feel sex changes things.

With all that being said I thought I would make a list of the things I have discovered that I love about the very early stages of dating so here is that list…even at 44 this sounds a bit elementary.

I LOVE…

*how good it feels when your date says “you’re really pretty”….and then says it again when he is walking away for the night

*when you get a text in the middle of the day you were not expecting that makes you smile and feel a little flushed at the same time

*when you look into the eyes of someone new that you are attracted to and feel excited knowing they are just as attracted to you as they look back

*when he purposely puts his arm around you for the first time and you realize how nice it feels

*how good flirting feels especially when it comes back to you

*the warmth of him sitting next to you without his actually touching you but your wanting him too

*anticipation of anything….and everything

*wanting him to hold your hand but waiting patiently for the moment to happen

*how even at 44 when a guy you have an interest in holds your hand for the first time and you still feel like that little girl did the first time a boy touched your hand under the table

*how on a blind date, if you are not interested or attracted you can still find humor in the situation and laugh about something, in that moment you realize it is a choice to either have fun…or not…or perhaps run

*when you realize he is not the right person as a mate but that you would love to be friends, he is mature enough (even if he wanted more) to realize a friendship could last a life time and quite possibly be better than a relationship ever could

*how silly,  fun and often romantic it can be to share food

*how goofy I am while trying to find something sexy to wear for a date with someone I am interested in, if only there were a hidden camera

*the nervousness of that initial introduction and the gentle ease of conversation when you know it is going well

*the anticipation of a kiss, wondering when it might happen and when it finally does feeling the butterflies take flight

*when your eyes meet and you get a strange feeling of shyness and warmth at the same time

*learning about the other person and watching their lips as they talk

*catching your self looking at their butt as they walk off to the bathroom and thinking how hot they look

*every aspect of body language and how interesting it can be from a nervous chin rub, the constant twirling of a coaster or a leg that moves enough to shake the table

*laughing, laughing and more laughing

*loosing track of time because you are having so much fun and then realizing it is really late…or early the next day

*the first kiss

*being attracted..did I mention butterflies?

*the nervousness of having them over to your place for the first time

*catching him looking at your breasts, feeling awkward yet flattered especially if he smiles with the embarrassment of being caught

*meeting his friends and noticing the secret buddy language that says you are the man for being be seen with this hot woman

*the smell of a good cologne and how it makes you more attracted to him because of how good he smells

*trying a new restaurant that neither of you have been to before

*how a slight touch and smile makes you blush when you are really into him

*the hug on the second date when you walk into the room or answer the door

*talking and laughing until morning without intimacy being any part of the equation knowing that in time that will possibly be a part of the equation

*discovering he loves something that you do

*his saying at the end of the first date….I would like to see you again

So I realize that there could be a list of the bad but I want to remain positive in my current state.  These are what things come to mind for now but there are sooo many more once you start to get your feet wet.  So as I end this post let me say I am having so much fun and truly for the first time in my adult life enjoying the act of dating.  What are your love’s I would enjoy knowing!  Until next time I am sending love out to you all…thank you for reading!

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!

It is strange how your body feels when your heart  is really let down.  The thoughts of what was race through your mind along with what could have been, your heart aches and you don’t even think about food.  There is a strange emptiness within, a bit of a lost feeling and a loneliness.  Days go by and you go through the motions mostly wanting to crawl into bed and sleep only so you will forget how bad you hurt.  You hide out not wanting to see or talk to people and if you do go out it doesn’t take away the hurt , it only covers it up for a bit. The hardest part is getting your mind to stop and to refocus in a forward direction, never allowing yourself to feel anger or self pity.

I had a very long post prepared from my Thanksgiving week planned to go here but I have put it on hold for a bit.  This is so that I can move forward.  I started this blog to share my experiences in order to help others, so many times it has come back around and taught me about myself while helping, I think I am sharing today hoping to get comments that will help me so please feel free to email me if you have something to say.

My life over the past few months had taken a turn and was amazingly happy, fun and different.  It was a world wind, something I wanted and something I needed.  Although I wanted to go slow it had a mind of its own.  The ride was wonderful but it did not last for reasons that right now really don’t matter. Standing where I am and always looking at things with an open mind I can say I have learned more about me than anything. This was the first time in my life I allowed myself to experience each moment with out judgment but being completely aware of what my gut was telling me. Right now it is a disappointment only because of the fun and happiness I experienced that is no longer there, the reality of the situation was there in my gut a while back. I am proud that all the work I have done over the past few years gave me that awareness, prepared me and is giving me strength to deal with it in a positive manner.

What I have learned over these few months is that being open with someone needs to be done slowly.  Most people will say things when you first get to know them wanting so badly to make a good impression and I believe that is a natural part of human nature.  I am a very honest and open person and I think it is difficult for some to understand or to sometimes take that side of me.  If you feel a certain way because of something someone says I believe you have the option to allow it to effect you the way you choose.  There can not be blame in others words because we have the ability to think what we want. Most of all I have learned that there are no guarantees.  We can choose to be cautious and hold our self back from experiencing things due to fear or we can choose to take a chance and enjoy what ever comes knowing in a moment things could change.  I will always choose taking a chance but I also choose to always be myself and never loose that part of me while in a relationship. A good relationship is not always saying or doing what the other expects from you, it is the joining of two different people and when there are uncomfortable situations you discuss them.  If there is no discussion and you hold them in you allow that to manifest and nothing good ever comes from manifesting negative feelings. Communication and honesty is always the best method for getting to know someone and knowing if you are compatible.

Regardless of this feeling I am experiencing right now I know these things about myself and my beliefs.  I am a good person and I have a lot of love in my heart for others.  I have a lot of energy, I have a hard time sitting still especially watching tv and I don’t need a lot of sleep, I realize this is hard for some to take.   I like to learn, I like to see things, I love being creative and I enjoy music.  I enjoy being healthy through exercise and food.  I believe food in excess and drinking has become a vital part of socialization with in our culture.   With drinking weather it is “full on party time” or “just a few drinks a day” it is still allowing something to numb your awareness through comfort.   I can take it or leave it and it doesn’t need to be a part of my daily routine although I do enjoy it from time to time.  My being is not defined through others it comes from with in and it grows and improves from both positive and negative experiences and how I allow them to affect me.  I choose being positive no matter what, never blaming because I always have a choice.   When I hurt I want to allow myself to feel it knowing that my spirit is teaching me something about myself.  I believe there is something positive to be learned in every situation.  Most of all I know that everything is happening just as it should and with that alone I can move forward.  Though I am feeling a bit down there is a smile right around the corner. I will not allow myself to manifest a bad attitude, my sadness will be brief because I know there are so many more wonderful and beautiful things ahead that I still need to experience.

I will close by saying that I truly believe I am feeling good in this moment about my self and my situation because I have learned to love who I am.  Because of that I will focus on my thoughts, they will be directed on myself and my healing while overcoming this whirlwind.  Life is so sweet and has so many amazing things to offer.  I am grateful for all that I have, especially my wonderful parents, friends and the big eared white dog who is and always my little angel.

My next post will be my experience of change over the Thanksgiving week and will come soon.  Right now I am healing my heart and I am doing good.  Sending love out to all of you…thank you for reading!

11 months ago I broke off a 2 year relationship that just was not working, unfortunately he passed away 7 months later and it has made the healing a bit more difficult.  Normally I would have gone out right away with my searching and most likely jumped into something right away.  That was how it always happened, never giving myself time to really deal with everything and drowning my failures with the excitement of something new.  This time I really thought hard and figured if I could continue to keep jumping into serious relationships for several years and not being happy, why not work on staying single and being happy for a change.  With the exception of a few…very few dates I have gotten a bit comfortable with my singleness.  The best thing singleness has given me is time for me, in the past I always became lost in the other person…a bit of codependency perhaps.  I realize now it was because I did not know who I was, I did not love myself and it was easier to love someone else so I would not have to face those things.  I was trying so hard to find someone who could make me feel whole but didn’t realize that wholeness is not something someone else gives you it comes within.  We have to feel complete within ourselves before we can ever have a healthy relationship with someone else.  I have searched within my self to find out what I like to do, what I want and how to overcome some personal issues that were blindly leading me into those unhealthy relationships.  I feel like my mind is clearer, I know more about what I am looking for in a man and best of all that I can survive with out one.  All that being said I have to be honest in saying I do want a partner.  I want to be in love and to be happy sharing my life with someone.  When in a relationship I am loyal, honest and committed but I expect the same from my partner.

So here I am, no longer a 30 something, looking out at the options and thinking it seems a bit tougher than it was back in my younger years.  I tried the online dating thing a few times years ago but have realized it is not for me.  Where I stand now, I think I am ready to finally open my eyes, if someone comes along, is interested and I reciprocate then we will see where it goes.  I have been married, it is not something I am against but it is also not something I am searching for and it will not happen again unless I really feel in my gut it is right.  With age I have become wiser, pickier and complacent.  I don’t want someone who feels they have to make choices for me, take care of me or speak for me.  I can take care of myself and I want a partner not a keeper.  I want someone who compliments my life who I can laugh with and who I adore.  There are many things I remember from the past online dating world that to this day makes me laugh and makes me run.  I won’t speak for other women and realizing men & women are wired differently, I may be off on my interpretations but the few things below are real turn off’s!

“I work hard and play hard”  A man who works hard is a great turn on to me and I am generally not attracted to the lazy but the playing hard….all that says to me at my age is he parties too much and chances are he is way more than I care to deal with, just having to make a statement like that makes me think perhaps he has a bit of an ego.

When a guy picks an age range that doesn’t include his own or picks one young enough to be his daughter….that says he is after one thing and it is not deep conversation.  I have always found it troubling that a 40 year old man would list he is interested in a woman in her 20 something.  Eye candy is great for getting looks and building ego but I can’t imagine it is all that fulfilling.  As adults we change so much every 10 years.  I want someone who is on the same path of maturity as I am and I prefer someone who sees the beauty with in not just on the outside.  This is one of those “wired differently” issues I am sure…women tend to love men more for who they are, the exterior then becomes more attractive.  Men like the package and are more attracted to that first….am I right here?

“If you have baggage don’t bother!”  Now come on, there is not one of us lucky enough to not have baggage at our age!  I think baggage is good because it means you have life experience it is just what you do with that baggage that matters.  Do you share, pass it on or toss it under the bed because it is behind you and there is no reason to revisit??

A man who states they like candle light dinners and long walks…strikes me as stretching the truth to fill that ever playing ideal of what women want.  Tell us what you really like and what you want, chances are if  it is going last we are going to find out sooner or later any way.

And a few things I think might be universal in what women want…..
-the toilet seat down
-compliments but keep in mind timing is everything
-chew with you mouth closed, manners say a lot
-laughter and playfulness
-clothes in the hamper not on the floor
-fast cars are ok but fast hands…not so much
-good listening skills, it really matters and yes sometimes we do test you…
-pet lovers understand pet lovers and visa versa…
-attraction, just like men if it is not there nothing can be expected
-intimacy and attention on occasion
-and most imporantly….honesty

So this started short and ended long as usual.  As far as dating goes some may think I am too picky or perhaps a bit uptight.  I have always been one to openly express my ideals knowing and believing we are all different and entitled to our own opinions.  I am in no rush to get into a serious relationship but with valentines just around the corner and being very much a single woman, maybe, just maybe it is time to start getting my feet wet again, trouble is I might have forgotten just how exactly that is done, any ideas???

Life keeps throwing me punches…am I being tested here?

Money, Men, Self-Discovery and being Just Friends…how do all these tie together???

I have been thinking about the word love and what it means. I have been thinking how it pertains to my past life….or perhaps lives and the many facets of the word. I have found myself questioning if I have ever truly been loved. I know I have loved, that I have been in love but have I ever truly been loved?

Here is what the dictionary says love is:
love [luhv]
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection
3.sexual passion or desire.
4.a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
6.sexual intercourse; copulation.
7.a personification of sexual affection

I feel that this definition only defines being in love not being loved. I think there is a big difference. Being in love is all the feelings that you feel from the definition above but loving is deeper. You love your Mother, Father, Sister, Daughter, ect but you do so without any strings. You may not like how they act, what they believe or how they treat you but you still love them, unconditionally, its as if you have no choice and no matter what the love is there. If that were true in the relationships we have why would we ask for divorce, why would we leave someone we love because of things we don..t like. If sex, passion, a feeling of attachment, or a love affair defines love then why are there so many people who swear they have never loved someone. The truth is this definition doesn’t even begin to define the depth of what love is. The reality is that every one would probably have a different interpretation much of which would be influenced by how they were brought up, how our families loved us. Having put much thought into this lately I believe that I have only been loved once in my life from my past relationships. This comes from my interpretation of what I believe love is to me. Only once did I have someone love me for me, someone who was honest and understanding and accepting, unconditionally. It was my high school sweetheart and I broke his heart.

I believe love starts with an attraction to someone, chemistry between two people, if it is not there nothing will follow. I believe that honesty, sincerity and devotion are the next things that come into play. Truth between two people is a huge connection, Dishonesty breeds deception and although the feelings of love might be felt how can it be real if someone is being deceitful? This will always lead to a broken heart and is probably the most common frailty of love. For myself it has been my biggest hurdle…almost all those I have thought loved me have been dishonest. How can you be dishonest to the one you love. The next question is how can you love someone when you know they are being dishonest. As individuals we have one responsibility to ourselves and based on how we carry it out ensures our own happiness. That responsibility is making honest choices for what is best for us and no one else. We make a choice to be with someone, to accept them as they are but if they don’t meet our expectations rather than walk away we ignore our gut, our internal teacher and we hope for the best. We allow that little voice to brainwash us to believe its all going to be ok and our only reason for doing so is we want to be loved. When you think about it LOVE is the one thing we are all searching for, it is what we crave, what we need to be happy and to feel complete. The problem is we are so busy looking for it in someone else, hoping we will find someone to love us, to complete us that we don..t realize how important it is to love ourselves first. I keep hearing those words…if you don..t love yourself how can you expect someone else to love you. I am beginning to understand how true those words are. Looking back to all the relationships of my past I questions if my ex..s truly loved me but more importantly I believe they didn’t love themselves. Most were not honest or did not except me for who I was. I don..t believe they loved me but that they were in love with me and that is such a different thing. Maybe being in love is the step before being loved…if all the planets are aligned and the person in love has a deep devotion for the other person with no fear perhaps true love is born and it can be unconditional. Then there is the reality that if both people don..t feel the same the love has nowhere else to go. It all seems so confusing and so unlikely. The beauty of life is that we keep trying, we keep making mistakes and in return we experience life. With out all the experiences we would be pretty bored with ourselves.

I can think of three things that mean the most to me in regards to the kind of love I someday hope find. I want someone who can be honest, someone who adores me and someone who can accept me unconditionally. My favorite examples of this kind of love would be Ronald and Nancy Reagan, June and Johnny Cash and my dear friends from my past life, Mickey and Greg knowles….unfortunately Greg passed away a year ago in his sleep. These are all people that I believe were fortunate enough to find true love and I do believe it is a rarity only because most of us settle too soon and waist time trying under the wrong circumstances.

I am not sad from what I have discovered and I will continue to keep an open mind. I will find love again but it will take time because right now I am learning to love myself and I am finding great beauty in that journey. Being in love is a wonderful feeling in itself and the feeling alone is worth taking a chance on even if it does not last. With each broken heart comes a new opportunity as long as we don..t give up. God put us here to love one another and that is a beautiful experience no matter how we do it.