Thinking Diva

I slept in today and that is not something that happens often.  I actually was awake but couldn’t (for some reason) bring myself to want to get out of bed.  Today is Valentines Day and all week leading up to today I have read post, received emails and talked to friends who were dreading the day’s arrival.   “Love Stinks” parties and “Single Valentines” events for those sad souls who are without a partner.  Those who are in relationships complaining how the hype makes the holiday expensive with limited restaurant menu’s and expensive price tags.  All this stress over a day focusing on “LOVE”.   Why  do we really need a day to remind us to be grateful and celebrate the one or one’s we love.  Everyday we should be showing love and for a day that was created for the sake of love it seems so many are stressed out and wanting it to pass as quickly as possible.

I am happy today, my dad’s birthday was yesterday, this week several of my friends are celebrating their b-days and I have wonderful people I love in my life.  Today I started my day with a kiss and a hug to my big white pink eared dog and a call to my mom to say happy “V” day and “I love you”.  Sure, it would be great to have someone special to celebrate the occasion with and in time I will be in that place but I won’t need a “specific” day to remind me show love to that special someone, it will be shown everyday.

So I have to admit although I have been happy all week, grateful for the busy work week and looking forward to a little quiet relaxation time I have felt a little off.  I have been aware of it but not sure what it was about.  I avoided people all weekend and enjoyed spending time at home alone watching cheesy movies about falling in love.  I often with draw, I enjoy being alone at times, I am not feeling depressed in any way so although I am not feeling sociable I feel happy overall.  Perhaps I feel a little off because I am trying to use less sugar in my diet and have felt a little out of sorts over the experience and the failures at times.  I though it was the reason I was feeling restless all week and having a hard time focusing.

As I become a healthier person in mind, body and spirit I am learning that often things trigger past events in our lives.  That no matter how positive or happy we are there will always be times of reflection that might feel painful yet need to be experienced.  I believe these events happen because we need to be reminded of who we are, where we have been and by believing that happiness lies with in our own minds we keep moving forward.  These events are reminders for us to see the beauty in all things, good or bad, and to live life feeling and growing rather than being numb to the process.  More often than not if we keep a positive mind set and believe these events are there to help us grow we will see something beautiful on the other side from the experience.  Individually, for each of us this is our very own road of life, we make the decisions where and when to turn so we must live with where ever we end up!  I choose to be happy no matter where I land.

The truth is that Todd has been on my mind a lot this week and I think maybe Valentines is the trigger.  I have had some dreams of him, I have been missing him and I am sad that he is gone.  I never watch tv and this week found myself watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab, connecting so much with what was happening in the episode especially with the drama. For those of you who are new to my post, Todd passed away a year and a half ago of a drug overdose.  I dated him for two years prior and was unaware of his issues, after a year of dating and then moving in together I realized he had an addiction.  I tried to get him help and eventually had to break up with him because I could no longer handle his addiction.  It was a tough decision because I loved him dearly but I could no longer deal with the events that the drug and alcohol addiction had created in our lives, he died eight month later.  I have never been into drugs, I don’t even like to take aspirin and other than drinking alcohol on occasion I prefer to feel in control of my body, my mind and my actions.  I am very nieve to the habits and characteristics drugs create because I have no knowledge of what they do internally nor how they make you feel.  Now days everyone seems to be taking pharmaceutical drugs….personally I think these might be worse than any of the ones I knew about when I was younger.  The bottom line is that losing someone you love is tough especially when it is sudden and unexpected, it takes time to heal and although it gets easier over time things do resurface.  You do repeat the grieving process and remember the person who is no longer living.

Todd has been on my mind, although I have been happy this week there has been a slight unknowing sadness or feeling of being off.  I realized this morning while lying in bed that three years ago Todd had given me a beautiful saffire ring (not an engagement ring) for valentines, it was one of the most memorable and happy valentines I can remember ever having.

So here I am not sure why I am writing today but wanting to say something to lift my spirits and yours, at least those of you who may be feeling a bit down on this day of recognizing “LOVE”.  What I can say is this…I am ever so grateful that even though Todd has passed I had the opportunity to love him, to be loved by him knowing he loved me the best he could in light of his addiction and realizing that in life there are no guarantees.  We must remember to show our love to all those who are important to us, lovers, friends, family and even strangers.  Life is a constant learning platform with up’s and downs.  At times things may not seem fair, bad things do happen but the ability to think positive even when you might not be feeling it will make all the difference in your life and in being happy.

Love comes in many forms, kindness is the greatest and it is within all of us, it is free and always available to give. Today I am grateful for every single thing in my life.  Thinking of all those unfortunate people in Haiti and what they are having to endure makes me that much more grateful and makes me want to give more because I have the ability to do so.  Today I celebrate “Valentine Day” buy saying to all of you…those I know and those I do not, “I love you” for being who you are, for reading this and for being in my life.  Sending love out to everyone….until next time!  SMOOCH!!!!

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!

It is strange how your body feels when your heart  is really let down.  The thoughts of what was race through your mind along with what could have been, your heart aches and you don’t even think about food.  There is a strange emptiness within, a bit of a lost feeling and a loneliness.  Days go by and you go through the motions mostly wanting to crawl into bed and sleep only so you will forget how bad you hurt.  You hide out not wanting to see or talk to people and if you do go out it doesn’t take away the hurt , it only covers it up for a bit. The hardest part is getting your mind to stop and to refocus in a forward direction, never allowing yourself to feel anger or self pity.

I had a very long post prepared from my Thanksgiving week planned to go here but I have put it on hold for a bit.  This is so that I can move forward.  I started this blog to share my experiences in order to help others, so many times it has come back around and taught me about myself while helping, I think I am sharing today hoping to get comments that will help me so please feel free to email me if you have something to say.

My life over the past few months had taken a turn and was amazingly happy, fun and different.  It was a world wind, something I wanted and something I needed.  Although I wanted to go slow it had a mind of its own.  The ride was wonderful but it did not last for reasons that right now really don’t matter. Standing where I am and always looking at things with an open mind I can say I have learned more about me than anything. This was the first time in my life I allowed myself to experience each moment with out judgment but being completely aware of what my gut was telling me. Right now it is a disappointment only because of the fun and happiness I experienced that is no longer there, the reality of the situation was there in my gut a while back. I am proud that all the work I have done over the past few years gave me that awareness, prepared me and is giving me strength to deal with it in a positive manner.

What I have learned over these few months is that being open with someone needs to be done slowly.  Most people will say things when you first get to know them wanting so badly to make a good impression and I believe that is a natural part of human nature.  I am a very honest and open person and I think it is difficult for some to understand or to sometimes take that side of me.  If you feel a certain way because of something someone says I believe you have the option to allow it to effect you the way you choose.  There can not be blame in others words because we have the ability to think what we want. Most of all I have learned that there are no guarantees.  We can choose to be cautious and hold our self back from experiencing things due to fear or we can choose to take a chance and enjoy what ever comes knowing in a moment things could change.  I will always choose taking a chance but I also choose to always be myself and never loose that part of me while in a relationship. A good relationship is not always saying or doing what the other expects from you, it is the joining of two different people and when there are uncomfortable situations you discuss them.  If there is no discussion and you hold them in you allow that to manifest and nothing good ever comes from manifesting negative feelings. Communication and honesty is always the best method for getting to know someone and knowing if you are compatible.

Regardless of this feeling I am experiencing right now I know these things about myself and my beliefs.  I am a good person and I have a lot of love in my heart for others.  I have a lot of energy, I have a hard time sitting still especially watching tv and I don’t need a lot of sleep, I realize this is hard for some to take.   I like to learn, I like to see things, I love being creative and I enjoy music.  I enjoy being healthy through exercise and food.  I believe food in excess and drinking has become a vital part of socialization with in our culture.   With drinking weather it is “full on party time” or “just a few drinks a day” it is still allowing something to numb your awareness through comfort.   I can take it or leave it and it doesn’t need to be a part of my daily routine although I do enjoy it from time to time.  My being is not defined through others it comes from with in and it grows and improves from both positive and negative experiences and how I allow them to affect me.  I choose being positive no matter what, never blaming because I always have a choice.   When I hurt I want to allow myself to feel it knowing that my spirit is teaching me something about myself.  I believe there is something positive to be learned in every situation.  Most of all I know that everything is happening just as it should and with that alone I can move forward.  Though I am feeling a bit down there is a smile right around the corner. I will not allow myself to manifest a bad attitude, my sadness will be brief because I know there are so many more wonderful and beautiful things ahead that I still need to experience.

I will close by saying that I truly believe I am feeling good in this moment about my self and my situation because I have learned to love who I am.  Because of that I will focus on my thoughts, they will be directed on myself and my healing while overcoming this whirlwind.  Life is so sweet and has so many amazing things to offer.  I am grateful for all that I have, especially my wonderful parents, friends and the big eared white dog who is and always my little angel.

My next post will be my experience of change over the Thanksgiving week and will come soon.  Right now I am healing my heart and I am doing good.  Sending love out to all of you…thank you for reading!

What causes loneliness…something I have been pondering a lot the past few weeks.  I have always been one to enjoy my quiet time, my alone time, what I like to think is the time I am most creative.  Perhaps growing up in the country without a lot of friends close by, spending afternoons as a small kid alone in the woods with a notepad writing while mom and dad worked was the beginning of my life persona.  In that time it was safe for a child to roam alone and for me it was the birth of my being.  So lately my life is full, full of creative work time, full of phone talk to the family in Florida, full of friend time and full of summer fun.  For some reason lately I have a usually small yet sometimes larger feeling of loneliness within me I can’t figure out.  I have hardly dated over the past year, I have not really had an interest and in my past 8 years since my divorce felt I was wandering a bit, jumping in too soon and overlooking what I needed in relationships just to fill a void.  I told myself after the last relationship it was time to change, I set some rules with myself, to not allow myself to get serious, to not get involved and to allow myself to live a while as a single person, embrace it and be happy.  The past year has been just that, I have discovered who I am again, learned to be independent from a man and to wake up every day allowing myself to do what ever I want to do and worry about no one else but myself.  It has been liberating, it has been challenging and lately it has become…well, a bit lonely.  After living alone for most of the year I recently allowed a “guy friend” to move in and perhaps that is where my thoughts began to change, strangely where the loneliness began to start peeking its little head in my settled mind.  When you see two people showing affection and happiness with being together it is enlightening for old farts like myself, especially when it is someone you know.

I admit I have some issues to get over with regards to opinions of men and their wondering minds…hands and other parts, with commitment, exclusiveness and cheating.  Things that I am struggling with because of my past choices and with wanting to believe there are men who are different, I know there are good honest people who live with integrity in every choice they make out there.  My best GF who happens to be 10 years younger tells me I need to really work hard on these things because they will show up if I continuously focus on them in the negative rather than believing there is a positive side.  I take full accountability for my past choices both with life and with men, hold no blame in others and realize I knew the red flags early on but did not pay attention.  I made my own choices and no one made me make them.  I have absolutely no regrets with my life except maybe that I wished I had traveled abroad as a 20 year old.

With this post as always I am trying to be positive and honest, I need to fully acknowledge my fears with men…if only women had a body part they could think from to blame for uncontrollable actions, that actually sounds like a lot of fun.  Enough said, truth is we as human beings want to be with someone who we are attracted to, to be touched and to feel connected in a deeper way than just sexual.  At least that is what I choose to believe.  I would like to believe there are relationships out there where people truly feel connected and can see themselves with the same person even when they are old.  Call me a dreamer but I want a relationship that feels like the words of a great country love song where you feel every word is a reflection of you and the other person intertwined both in love and in companionship.  Keith Urban says it better than most for me….

In the past year I have seen what I want to believe was true love many times and it always makes me smile, believe and then feel a bit sad with loneliness.  So perhaps this loneliness I am feeling lately is my spirit nudging me, saying to me to let go of the past…really let go not just think I have, to see through new eyes- like a child believing there is only good out there as if never having had experience bad, nothing to compare to, trusting my gut and opening myself to the possibilities.  Someone once said to me as I was going through a broken heart, “just think Sheri, even though you hurt right now look how beautiful it is that you now have the chance to experience the wonderful feelings that come with falling in love with someone again…..”  I wish I could remember who said that to me because it has stayed with me over the years, through many breakups and still makes me smile.

So what is it that causes loneliness..I guess the lack of something that we really need to be human.  It is tough to have a completely balanced life, to have the beautiful relationship, the perfect career, to love yourself, to live with confidence and to be happy all of the time because there always seems to be something missing, something out of alignment.  I believe in my past (for myself) it was the lack of self love, confidence and the confusion of spirit…what some may call “God”.  For the first time in my life I am no longer confused with spirit and I talk to my God everyday because I realize it is a part of me, within me and not something out side of me I am trying to find.  Although I still want to lose a few pounds and hate seeing the visual result of age in my skin I am ok with who I am.  Maybe my recent loneliness is my spirit reminding me that because those things are aligned my fears with men need to be challenged and that it is time to fill that void.  To know that because the most important internal things have been conquered now it is time to allow myself to find something outside of myself to add to the fulfillment.  Knowing now that being happy with myself on the inside is key, because by loving myself first I can love someone else honestly and share who I am knowing if it is not right I am ok being alone.  I am ok, I really am and that makes me smile, still…it sure would be nice to have someone to hold me once in a while!

Ahhhh life is so grand with all it’s twist and turns, age is my journal of things learned, lost and discovered…life is so beautiful if you allow it to be and see with open eyes and an open mind!

How can a guy have multiply sex partners in the same week with out any feelings of regret and how can men be so excited about having sex and not be excited about falling in love?

Today as I as I was headed downtown to show my portfolio I was hit with the song “You Found Me” by the the Fray.  It was in that few minutes I had the realization I still have a lot of healing to do.  I actually remember hearing another song of theirs called “How To Save A Life” nearly a year ago on an episode of scrubs I watched with Todd.  It resonated then to our situation, it made me sad because he was so far gone into a sad and depressed state then, but this song…it rips my heart apart.  With his passing and the manner in which it happened every lyric of that song now haunts me.  I thought I had moved forward a little but now I realize that the healing is going to take a while maybe a long while, I am unsure, this was not just a break up it was a death.

I recently allowed my self to return to the dating scene, I have enjoyed the company but wonder if my resistance to move to fast shows. I am cautious, I am being careful, I don’t think I am very warm at times, I feel a little withdrawn, I am not really interested in being touched, I believe I am being smart and patient!  I want to get to know someone, to spend time, to laugh but from my experience so far it seems men want to move fast, they want to touch right away, is it just a sex thing?  Are women really being like the girls on sex and the city these day’s and jumping in the sack after only a few dates?  I often wonder if I am an old soul or perhaps just a romantic dreamer hoping the love of my life falls in love with who I am first rather than obsessing about how I am in bed. Maybe it is that I just have not met the right date…one I actually have chemistry with.  Men are definitely visual and seem to be ok with a woman if she is attractive even if there is nothing they have in common.  I am different, I find myself wanting more than a pretty face, needing some connection to even have an interest no matter how hot a guy is.  When TG and I first broke up I admit I went on a few spontaneous dates more so because I knew he was and I had hoped it would ease my mind some, that wonderful breakup syndrome we go through in the beginning.  But when a guy wants to grab my tit on the 2nd date or makes a similar impression I am totally turned off.  If there are any guys who actually read this….sex changes things, we all know that.  I am not looking for just a sex partner, at least not right now (although at times the thought does sound interesting).  The few dates I have been on were either to that extreme or just made me feel as if the idea of more than 2-3 dates of getting to know me on a personal level not a physical one was more than the date could handle.  Turned off, you better believe it!  Maybe now I have a bad attitude toward men in general, whatever the case I am happy right where I am.  If I meet someone and there is an interest on each end then I am up for the start of the process.  If it takes a quick turn and I get turned off then that is that.  If however there is a spark, we have a lot in common and we laugh a lot, I think there is potential.

I am for the first time in my adult life completely comfortable with being single.  I can take care of myself, I don’t have a lingering loneliness, I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel complete, I don’t need someone to validate me and I am not sitting around waiting.  I am living my life, doing things I love to do, making new friends and loving the life I have created.  If the right guy comes along…and I know someday he will, he will NOT complete me because I know I have already done that!  But he will compliment my life, he will make me smile when I think about him, he will laugh with me and be open with his thoughts.  I will be proud to talk about him to my friends and I know that he loves me for who I am not only on the outside but who I am on the inside!  Keep laughing those of you who doubt, I have seen it and I believe, life is short and there is still so much more to do, why not be patient and happy!

He was a very big part of my life. He was a lover, a companion, a roommate and a best friend. Todd Garrett I will always love you and I will only remember the good things. RIP

Life keeps throwing me punches…am I being tested here?

I cant shake this feeling…we have all felt it. That sickening feeling we get from deep down in our gut when we finally face a lost love, a broken relationship, a breakup. It makes you sad, it fills you and shakes you to the core. At moments you see the other side thinking through the list of why you will be better off…you replay it over and over and it helps. You might smile and think to yourself this time I will be more careful, I will be more aware as to not make the same mistakes. So not to trust something that is untrustable, to not get involved with one which can not be open or capable of letting you see deep inside the others heart. Then at any moment throughout the day you are brought to your knees. Your chest aches, your stomach feels sick, your heart feels empty and you cry. You beg for God to please make you feel better. You wish it could have been as you wanted it to be. You are mad at him, you are mad at your self, you are lonely, minutes pass, maybe hours then you are once again weak. A fragile tired being who wants to talk to no one. You lock yourself away and feel these things over and over for days on end.

I wrote those words a week or so ago, I am feeling much better now even though I just had an awakening…

A word on pocket dialing…be careful. I just heard (for an hour) my sort of ex intimately involved with a…well there are words for girls like “Katie” on the road but lets just say young and stupid girl. I am not sure who is stupider though him or her. Anyway without going into detail it settled my mind from a struggle I was having for a while. I am not all that surprised and I feel like I am stronger for the free info..so to speak. Yes the universe works in strange ways. The thing is he still lives with me and although I have asked him to move out a while ago his time on the road has taken away his time to make arrangements to go, I have been understanding, until now. Honestly I feel like he is a dog! In his last intended call to me just 7 hours earlier he missed me, he loves me so much and can’t live without me, he cant wait to get home to make up with me, he is hurting, he is sorry. I listened quietly until he said he loved me and hung up. This was actually the second accidental pocket dial and I have to say it gives new meaning to “I wish I could be a fly on the wall”, no visuals needed. TG, save the bullshit and grow up. It must really feel like shit to be caught red handed so to speak. Unfortunately this is the 4th guy in my lifetime I dated that I caught red-handed. That really sucks! At the moment I am fighting the idea that all men are the same. Please someone tell me different I could use some positive words right now.

So without focusing on what really doesn’t matter anymore I have to ask…when do you know to trust that feeling in your gut that tells you someone is not who your think they are? Especially when you keep dating those kind of men? I trust because I don’t want to carry over the baggage from the last disaster and I don’t want to accuse because of my insecurities. Maybe I am naive or just stupid but I don’t want to fall into that negative place where I dont try to love again because of fear. But then how will I know if that feeling of distrust is real or brought on from my past. With this…lets call him, pocket dial ex…or PDE, I had the feeling he was not who he was from the start. Of course I didnt listen because I thought I was just being paranoid and I fell in love, he was special. The guy before him had lied and cheated to the point where even his mother covered for him once. So how do you trust a man and that feeling of doubt. PDE has lied about everything and I kept forgiving and kept opening my heart, why? From where I am standing the last 3 serious relationships after my husband have been nothing but disasters. The one before my marriage was no different and obviously my marriage was a disaster for different reasons. Not one had been honest and the 4 guys other than my ex husband were dishonest and unfaithful. All I want is to be in a serious relationship with an honest man, to be happy and to be loved, is that such a hard thing to find? I found only the serious part in all of them, although I believe that somewhere within all of them there was a form of love. I believe that true love is honest though so where does that leave all my past relationships…has it all just been a lie. I have read that we attract those who mirror who we are. I have tried and tried to understand this and it makes no sense. I am honest…sometimes too honest, hell I bare my soul right here for all to see. I would never cheat on someone I was in a relationship with especially living with them.

So right now I am numb. The tears stopped days ago, well maybe one or two. PDE has been partying his past few weeks away on the road, that I know and I am sure there is much more I do not know and that is a good thing. I know just enough to be sure he is not my kind of guy, I wanted him to be but he couldnt be honest and that hurts so bad. He has no idea how bad. He is on a plane headed home and although the last thing I heard on his phone earlier was him discovering the open phone line and saying “Oh my God, Fuck…not again” before the line went dead. I am supposed to pick him up at the airport, curious if he will call and act as though nothing happened hoping I did not hear anything. Maybe he will call to say he has another ride and feel as though he has escaped the firing squad when I am calm and collected. I am sure he will feel something when he tries to hug me and my knowing he has another woman still on his skin and breath…well that sickens me. How will he feel when he reads this? I am sure he will be pissed and somehow turn it around to look as if I deserved it all. Maybe if he hates me it will make it all easier. Why should I hide, I feel better just putting these words down and he has to live with himself and who he is…I am ok. I am unsure of how I will act, maybe I will just be quiet or maybe I will loose it, who knows. I know it will be an uncomfortable few weeks. Through all of his negative traits I still see good in him, I hoped I could be different for him, that I could save him from all the pain he has had in his life. I will forgive him and I will wish only the best for him and pray to God that he finds a way to find happiness because his life has been so difficult and his childhood is all to blame. Some just are not able to get over those things and it breaks my heart. I definitely have some healing to do and will not be able to do so until he is gone. I am ok, with all the work I have done over the last year I know I am in a better place and this is the beginning of a new me. It will take some time but I will trust again but I will be in a better place this time before jumping in, perhaps all the other lessons were to teach me to take my time, to not move so fast and to really pay attention. Pay attention to what is on the inside first…what is in my gut. I have learned to love myself and I want to find someone who understands that and loves himself. I am ok…I will not let men like these ruin my belief that there are some good ones out there. They always say the nice girls attract the bad ones and visa versa. I need to find one of the guys who understands honesty and integrity. I have that and I can stand tall and secure in my shoes.

So as I end this blog and start my Saturday, a word on pocket dialing…BE CAREFUL. Ahhh we sure do live in a different era, arent electronics great!

Life holds so many secrets and many times uncovers things that so often make no sense. Belief seems to be my primary source of comfort both when I am at my lowest point and when I am at my highest point in life. Through a lot of personal work over the years I have uncovered my stories, tried hard to let them go rather than bury them and move forward so that I could change my path in life. I have lived through good and bad times, feel as though I have made a lifetime of mistakes (as we all do) and have no hard feelings nor blame for anyone but myself. I put myself in every situation I was in right or wrong and knew in my gut if it felt right or wrong when I was in each place. It was in those times that I knew and never paid attention or didn’t want to believe that the situations was wrong for me. I choose to snub the inner voice and let things take a path that time proved was not supposed to be, each time for the hope of being loved and finding happiness. Those are the choices that I have learned the most from and I know now that they were all made for only one reason. I want love… to be loved and to feel loved and that can not happen until I love me. I have said it over and over and will probably say it again but at least now it is a constant thought. I can’t sort of love me or sometimes love me, I have to love who I am and be ok with me, there is no other way, it cant work outside of me until it works with in me. I have known that and fought with it all my life.

Tonight however I had an profound thought…..that enormous light bulb went off and I pondered this “loving me” knowledge from a different perspective. There is another side to this I never really thought of before now, it is a two way street, I can not be loved or feel loved by someone who does not love them self. It can’t work, it doesn’t work and it has not worked in any of my past relationships. It was not necessarily that the choices were bad it was more the fact that, in my opinion, none of the men of my past truly loved themselves and because of that they were incapable of loving me. Now don’t get me wrong…that does not make up for infidelity, dishonesty or verbal abuse but it does make since. Seeing that, believing that and knowing how it all works it is now my belief that to find true and meaningful love you have to first love yourself and then you will attract that love back into your life because you will see what is healthy and what is not. When you become healthy inside you bring healthy people into your life. It is no different than if you are rich and successful you draw rich successful people into your life. If you are angry and unhappy you draw angry and unhappy people into your life…and on it goes.

I guess we all feel we learn more from the mistakes than from the good things, I only wish we could focus more on the good things and less on the mistakes. I have been sad for a while, hopeful at times and unsure of the road ahead. I can’t say what won’t be happening next year but I can say with great assurance that it will hold many new and wonderful things for me both personally and in business. I have put it into motion and will only allow happiness to come my way. I am tired, I want to smile, I want to laugh and I want to…well just be happy. Right now I am willing to myself great times, great friends and lots of money! Love….well, the only focus on love for now is to love me, to focus on what I need to do and to get myself together so that I can love and be loved the way it was intended. I am grateful for everything I have and I have plenty. I am grateful for all that I have had both right and wrong because it has brought me to this place…this place of thinking, acceptance, admission, certainty, conclusion, confidence, expectation, faith, feeling, intuition, knowledge, mindset, thinking, trust and understanding. In that sentence is everything I have been searching for, for the past 42 years, if I had only looked at the Rogets Thesaurus sooner….see for yourself!

http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/belief