Thinking Diva

The past  week here in Nashville I have been filled with fear, sadness, guilt and anger.  Friday night started with heavy rain and wind, a combination that always gets me nervous on this hill when there is worry of tornadoes.  For two days I was glued to the internet and tv watching as the water started to rise, mopping up the leaky windows and the creek that ran through my basement.  I was in fear that my home would be damaged but believed that this hill would save me from the fate so many have had to face, it did.  The fate of loosing every thing you have that you believe makes you, you.  I have felt sadness, I have cried every day and my heart has felt heavy with the images of what is and will be around us for a while.  I have felt guilt for the mere fact that I was spared and am so very fortunate that I still have a home, that my life will be back to normal much quicker than many.  And I was angered that the national news media like CNN did not seem to think this was newsworthy enough for more coverage.  They barely mentioned the water rising, the danger, the rescues or the struggles people were facing and we need outside awareness with hopes of donations for those who have lost everything.  Many of the people here did not have flood insurance and I fear that will be the worst part in the rebuilding of their lives.  The past day or two our complaints were met with apologies and we are NOW finally getting much more national coverage.

Through all of the emotions I have felt this week one has and will be with me through what ever lies ahead and that is love.  I love this city, I love the people here and with that love I will do what ever I can to help those who are in need.  Everyone is offering their time and money to help others, I have never seen such an outpouring of love amongst strangers.  I have donated the past two days to the Red Cross shooting PR for the the disaster relief efforts.  But Wednesday night as I laid in bed wondering how I could do something positive in this time of sadness, a single image online of a guitar sitting among the debris sparked an idea that I know will be a positive endeavor and will raise money for victims who lost everything.

As many of you know I have a soft heart for anything art related. Songwriting, music, photography, drawing, painting and mixed media are what I love and what I induldge in  when I am in need of an outlet.  I enjoy being around creative people and love any opportunity to bridge the gap of music and art.  At 7:30 AM Thursday I began putting my ideas into an email that I sent to 50 friends to see if they though it was worthy.  Four hours later it had been forwarded to more than 2000 people and climbing.  My idea is now in planning and I believe it is taking flight as we speak.  I will launch the details in the next few days,  it involves taking the musical items that are to be disposed of from the flood, distributing them to designated artist to be transformed into art which will then be sold and the proceeds will go to the flood victims.  I have had 100 emails today just about this project and my phone has rang off the hook.  I will need a lot of help and that help is coming by the minute.  The next  two days I will be working on a name for this event and putting the project into an outline.  Once that happens with the help of others we will post the details, plan the committees, start the FB page and begin the stages for the launch of what I know will be an amazing opportunity to give back.

I want to bring music and art together in a way that has not been done before, I want to gain media coverage for a cause that will bring hope to those who are in need.  With this project I want to celebrate that Nashville is one of the most creative places to live, that we work together as if we were family, that we do what ever we can for those in need and most of all that we have love in our hearts for our people and our community.  I love this town more than I ever imagined I could and I know that this difficult time will only make our people and our city better and stronger.  Sending love and prayers to you all…stay tuned!

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!

I finally realize that we get what we give, no matter what- if we allow ourselves to love everyone, to give to others, to live without expectation and to believe that everything is perfect no matter what the outcome life becomes magically abundant. If you don’t believe it is possible it never will be, if you know anything is possible it all will be and if you are sitting on the fence what do you have to lose…

The past month and a half has flown by.  I have hardly been able to catch my breath, not because I have been blessed with tons of work-unfortunately, but because I have made up my mind to work as hard as I can on my passion-photography, writing and art when time allows.  I have been prepping the art room, ordering supplies and searching for items and ideas so that I can get my work out there.  My energy was up and running, I was doing great and then last week I hit a wall.

I suddenly realized that keeping your spirit high is difficult when your family members are struggling.  It is weird, almost as if I feel their pain through me even though I am miles away and only connected by daily phone calls.  I find so many things going on in my life strange right now, like the fact that I had to put my pup down last October and my sister has put 2 down this year and at least 4 friends have had to do the same.  Weird that my Dad is getting married on the day of  Todd’s B-day, that Todd passed 7 days after my dog was put to sleep on the b-day of my close friend I was with the night he died. Sad that my step father passed only a few months later, that my nephew got married the week or two before my step fathers death and his wife is expecting a baby.  It seems odd that my new pups b-day is the same date as my ex before Todd. That I let my studio go in February, my friend broke up with his GF, sold his condo and moved in with me the week after.  He got laid off, his boss died right after the downsize then lost his next job only to find himself wanting more from life, traveling abroad to Italy for a month alone hoping to find himself and realizing that the search had only begun.  I recently found out that my old friend and studio partner had a heart attack a few months ago at 49 (she is alive and doing better), what is strange is it happened around the same time I posted about my bad dream in a blog here….that dream-blog just so happen to be about her.  Other people close to me are breaking up, having weird things happen and also facing really big changes…it all just makes my head spin and is often just too much to comprehend.  I have never had so many things happen in less than a year and these are just the things directly associated to me. I don’t want to read into anything but isn’t it strange the quiencidence of all the dates when there are so many days in a year?  What about all those notable people in the media that have died this year…Farrah, MJ, DJ AM, Ted Kennedy, Cronkite, McMahon, Bea Arthur, DeLuise, Les Paul, Steve McNair and Jet Travolta just to name a few.  It all just seems like too much all at once, it feels overwhelming, the extreme reminders of death and then life, past and present…

Oddly enough, with all of this negative change sprinkled with some goodness mixed in, with the losses, the gains and the lack of work and money I can still see light ahead.  I am excited about the possibility of change, of new beginnings, of the uncomfort and the fear.  All these experiences make me believe maybe we are all being reminded that life is short, that we need to stay aware and we need to realize we all have more to do here than we realize. Perhaps this is all God’s way of shaking things up just enough to make bring us to our senses or to awaken us.  Those of us lucky enough to be living with our eyes open might realize we have a chance to make new and better choices.  To recognize we all have a purpose and that we are not just here to go through the motions, make money and gain status.  That we deserve to be happy but we have to be in the drivers seat to know what happiness is for ourselves.  That we have to admit our past failures, to face the truths of our choices, to forgive, to send love, to let go and to move on.  A month ago I had 3 different ex’s contact me in the same week, one of which I haven’t heard from in ages, it seemed strange to me-like a reminder of my past poor choices.  I have realized this week that I still have some deeply seeded anger buried from the hurt toward my ex husband that needs to be released somehow.  I have realized that some people no matter what the circumstances can not take accountability for their actions, always need to be right, to accuse others and will always live with a lack of integrity because they can’t be honest with themselves or with others.  With that I realize I can choose to not let those people affect me, I can distance myself and only surround myself with positive people whom I have respect for and that makes me happy just knowing it is within my own power to choose.

With all this strangeness I can’t help but wonder how all the changes in the earth, the weather, the geographical changes and with gravitational pull affect how we are acting as people.  If animals have the ability to sense things internally through atmospheric pressure changes and through instinct what are we experiencing. I am not alone, many of my friends and others are experiencing unbelievable life experiences and big changes.  How much of these changes are directly related to our culture, with all the processed food we eat, the way we farm our fruit, veggies and meat, with our view on religion, with judgment of others and with what we watch on tv or listen to on the radio.  With all my struggle and reflection it has made me want to conserve more, eat better, drink less and watch less tv.  In fact the news junkie in me has gone cold turkey for a month to CNN and you know what…I feel so much better without the constant chatter of negativity every day.  I want to be healthier, to have a clearer mind, to be able to think clear enough so that I can listen to my spirit give me clues to what it is I am supposed to be doing, to discover my purpose and how to give more of my self to inspire others.  I know this time of confusion and of clarity is also paving the way to a partner I believe is out there but not yet discovered.  Maybe age is creeping in, maybe I am reading too many books or Oprah is influencing me far too much (haha something my ex husband would say when he was mad at me).  What ever it is I have found that I stay angry, sad, frustrated and confused much less than before and I seem to smile more, give more of myself to others, I show more love to myself and I feel good living an honest life.  I have come to trust that no matter what life still goes as it is supposed to, the bad and the good eventually passes, that it is best to just feel what you can now with no expectations other than joy, that it is all meant to be just as it is playing out.   And with all the strangeness I have experienced in less than a year…I am truly happy regardless of the wall I have hit!

pa·tience

noun-the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

adjective - enduring or capable of enduring hardship or inconvenience without complaint.

As I am working on being a better person I am also working on having more patience with how I do things, with the decisions I make and with life in general. In the past I always moved fast, reacted quickly and made discisions spontaneously. That being said…and knowing that spontaneity can be a good thing I often found myself in uncomfortable or unpleasant situations. Without over analyzing this I think the reason is that I did not give myself time to let things sink in and I was always looking at what the result might be rather than paying attention to what was happening at the exact moment the decision was made. If you look at the divorce rate or at the number of people who are unfaithful I can bet that most of the decisions that led to those choices was due to the lack of patience.

Patience is not easy…it is not easy when people are preasuring you, it is not easy when your life is operating a hundred miles an hour or when passion or emotion come into play. It is something that many people may not have with you while you are practicing it. It is something that takes discipline and commitment. I recently read the book “A New Earth” and it has resonated in me in a way I can not explain. It is not because it states things I am not aware of or things that I had never heard of before but it is because of the new way those things were presented to me. One in particular is the part about being in the “NOW”. I have found myself at times sitting, walking or even driving and saying to myself what is it to just be…right here right now. It can be a very empowering moment if you are capable of stopping your mind and just being there in the moment. This being in the now is teaching me patience and the importance that it plays in my life as a whole. Some would say I am over thinking, that I am not being fair to those around me or that I am being selfish. All I can say is that I know in my heart it is making me a better person and that I am making better decisions because of it. For 43 years I lived worrying about what others thought of me or what they wanted of me or needed from me. By worrying about everyone else I never felt fulfilled with in my own skin because I was not paying attention to what I needed. Now it is about me…. what I think, what I want and what I deserve. Thats not selfish thats taking care of me first so that I can be a better person to those around me.

My patience is not intended to hurt anyone, it is not intended to make anyone uncomfortable or to create tension. For me, with patience, it is my intention to be fully aware of my emotions and intuitions as they are happening. To be sure before I act, make a decision or move in any forward direction. it is because I am ready and that I feel confident with the direction or choice that I choose. One step at a time as slowly as it might be in order to feel right for me. If others get upset or don’t want to wait around or feel neglected then they will make their choices based on what they feel and it is out of my control at that time. I love the saying…”no one can make you feel a certain way, you allow yourself to feel that way”. I think about that anytime I have feelings that I think someone else created within me. I see no reason to move fast anymore in my life. I want to look forward to each day as it is happening and to enjoy what each day brings. My life is half over and it seems like I got to 43 in a flash, I want to slow down.

I guess as stated in the definition of patience above the annoyance, misfortune, pain and irritation is perhaps what those not directly being patient feel. Perhaps they are the things felt directly or indirectly while experiencing patience. What ever the case it involves feeling something and today in a world where everyone seems to be numb I think feeling is a good thing. There is a quality that comes with patience. I want quality in my life, I deserve it and I will take my time to experience it. In the end I will know I made my decisions from paying attention and not rushing. Right now I believe that patience will lead me to a happier life and that is what I am looking for!!!

I have been told many times that I am a strong woman. Not just with how I handle life occurrences or because of the success of my business but also because I have packed my things 3 times in my life, relocated to a new city miles away from family and friends, not knowing anyone and started over. Each time was a difficult process and each time I was forced to think for myself, work harder in order to take care of myself and to live with courage. Finding Nashville, settling here and realizing I had found the place I belong has been the most satisfying life experience to date.

I have been told that I trust too easily. In many cases..most cases it has led me into bad relationships because I was too busy believing what I wanted about the other person, only seeing the good things and making the other person feel loved. I did not allow myself to see what was really going on or perhaps it was that I just did not want to admit it. I have experienced things in relationships that have made me stronger as a person and taught me that the most important thing in this life is to love yourself first, to take care yourself first and that in turn makes you a better person for those around you.

On many occasions I have been told that I don’t except compliments well and I have to admit that is true, I am getting better but it is something that is difficult for me because I have never been comfortable with attention being on me. Perhaps it is a bit of my shyness coming out and it is a little humbling at times.

Of all the things I can say about myself the one that I am most proud of is that I truly love others. I always give from my heart and no matter what the outcome might be I know I am compassionate, honest and that all intent toward the other person, weather it was a friend or a lover, has come from love.

I am telling you these things because these wonderful gifts were given to me by the most beautiful person in the world…my Mother. She instilled all of those things within me from the day I took my first breath and I am so grateful that she is my mother. She always encouraged me to dream big, to believe that anything is possible and most importantly to never treat anyone else in a way I would not want to be treated. She showed me strength with her hard work and her ability to bounce back from things that were difficult. Most of all she always….always showed me love and compassion and that I know has carried on to me as it did from her mother to her.

Today I am over 600 miles away from this beautiful woman I love so much. It has brought tears to my eyes many times not being with her to show her how much she truly means to me. A phone call never really feels as good as a hug and a smile. So this is to thank my mother for being such a beautiful person and to thank God for having chosen her for me. Though she will probably never see this post I plan to write a letter to her this week to tell her everything she means to me. It is something I have started every Mothers day but never finished nor sent. I want this year to be different if not for the fact that I am trying to be a better person it is for the fact that we never know what tomorrow will bring. My wish is to have many more Mothers day’s ahead with her but it is also important to me to know that she knows how I feel, that I am proud of her, that she did a great job raising me and that I love her. I think sometimes things are better said on paper because we sometimes tend to hold back when we are face to face. So to my Mother…the most beautiful woman in the world, I love you.

And one more thing I must say, there are 3 another women I must also thank who affected my life from the time I took my first breath. The first is my Grandmother Pearl Sutton, she adopted my father when he lost his mother at birth. She was a vital part of my life and it would take way to long to explain her important role in my life. I wrote a song about her that explains what she was to me (that is on another myspace page for you to find on your own-LOL). She not only showed me love but she introduced me to God and to this day I thank her for giving me that gift. I have to thank my Grandmother Louise Seiler (my mother’s mother) for giving me all the things my mom gave, we lost her last year and today I know my mother is missing here deeply. Lastly someone I consider to be like my second mom and is still a friend to my Mother today. Her name is Christi Comstock…I am forever grateful she was in my life as well. She is the person who set me into an artistic direction if life. She inspired me to be creative, to have an open mind and to be gentle and caring to others. She also showed me how to dream and will forever hold a special place in my heart. She lost her grandson a few months ago (another blog) and I know it is difficult for her with her loss and knowing what her daughter is feeling today.

As I just finished that last line above I realized how truly blessed I am to have had 4 beautiful, strong, loving women be a part of my life. Each has given me something I am proud to now call my own. I may never have children to pass those things on to but I will live my life giving those things from my heart to others knowing that just like those beautiful 4 women it all stems from love….it would be nice to know you might be willing to pass it on!

Before I get started I want to say I try hard to keep my blog’s positive but we can’t always be positive. We all experience low points and I want to share this day regardless of how it may appear…positive or not. I am human and this has been a downer of a day. There are some personal things going on in my life that I don’t want to get into and I am sure that they factored into this Easter day but I want to share the other parts..mainly to let them go and hope that maybe someone can relate. It will be long that I am sure of, it is very rare that I am without words.

I did not sleep very well last night. I was up early…5am. It is Easter and I have already decided to go to church…something I have not done in a while. I am very spiritual and I believe in God but I have had a difficult time finding a church I feel comfortable with, I have had a hard time with organized religion because of some experiences in the past. I do not feel it is right to judge others especially in church and it saddens me that so many do. God does not judge, he is always there for us and realizes we are human and not perfect. It is my belief that he doesn’t care what color you are, what religion you choose or what sexual orientation you are and I don’t feel it’s is right for a church to judge especially acting under God. OK so as usual I have gotten off of the subject here. It is also my 43rd birthday today. When I awoke I was immediately sad. After doing 3 loads of laundry and anxiously trying to find something to occupy my time I showered, tried several outfits on, hating everything in my closet and finally settling for some blue dress paints with a brown shirt. I have wanted to go to a Sunday service at the Nashville Center for Spiritual Living after going to a Friday night movie by Louise Hay there a month or so ago. They state their belief is that of God but in the realm of spiritual enlightenment and abundance. A new language for me over the past year or so based from readings of Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, Jack Canfield and others. That was my destiny for Easter Sunday.

So today as I had my first cry around 6:30AM I also had a thought…Easter is the celebration of Jesus resurrecting and the fact that I am dealing with some life changing events and it being my birthday struck a chord. Although it felt very positive I was still sad and unsure of the entire reason why. Perhaps finally after 43 years of making crappy decisions with love this was a sign of new things to come. Of resurrection and new beginnings. I have done well over the past several months. I have stayed positive and things I never imagined could come my way in my career are happening. Today it did not matter how hard I tried to keep my thoughts positive I was just sad. I have never cared much for having birthdays, I do not deal with being the center of attention very well although my humor often makes it happen without choice. That is why I never advertise my birthday and today was no exception. I have told no one.

Feeling sad and having doubts about leaving the house I forced myself to go to the church. As I sat close to the back (so I could make a quick escape in the end) I felt uncomfortable being there alone and not knowing anyone or what to expect. Struggling to control my thoughts and tearing up I noticed a familiar face…my friend Shauna was taking a seat right in front of me, when we realized we were both there I felt a bit more comfortable. I also felt it was strange that out of all the churches in town she just happened to be trying the same one as I was. The service was different but in a good way. At the end for what ever reason I almost lost it when everyone joined hands and swayed while singing a song then raising all of our hands in the end. The energy was amazing, I felt so connected and I was fighting with all I had to keep from crying. I could no longer hold back for some reason when Shauna turned to see what I thought and my tears started hers. We hugged, she invited me to lunch with friends, I declined and promptly lost her in the hall as I made my way as quickly as possible to my truck to go home. Once again crying, feeling crappy and sad I decided to stay busy. Mowed the grass, weed eat was a pain to get started after winter, washed the truck and finished the last 2 loads of laundry finishing the day with a long hot bath, crying…crying …crying eating bad food, drinking a half bottle of wine and finding myself here.

Ok…blah, blah, blah but here is the deal. Why am I so sad. I know as much as I hate to admit it, it is partly because it is my birthday and I am getting old. As a woman age is not a glamorous thing. Men seem distinguished and experience it much more willingly. None of my friends either know or have offered to have dinner or a drink. I can’t blame them I gave no notice and now I am feeling sorry for, well ME. So I have to wonder what this is all about for me. I love my alone time but today I didn’t want to be alone even though I made every effort to be alone. I even lied to my Mother after her third call saddened that I was spending my special day alone saying I wanted to be alone and I was happy. Truth is I am not happy, tomorrow I will be I can assure you that but today I am not. Today I am lonely, sad and an emotional cry baby. I do feel this is some sort of awakening, I am hoping to have more insight by the time I finally get to bed later tonight. I can say I have found some pleasure after happening upon an old childhood favorite movie “The Sound of Music”. It brings back so many nice young feelings reminding me of how I had so much belief in love, fairy tale love I guess. I think now is a good time to cut out, I think I will go read. I know that sometimes we just need to let go in order to discover, I hope that is what this is. My desire is to learn how to live fearlessly…stay tuned!

What do you say to someone when they lose a child…I have tried all week to connect with an old childhood friend who is like a sister to me, she lost her 16 year old son last Sunday in a car accident. My sister called from Ocala around 10:30 AM last Saturday crying and the my first thought was that something bad has happened. The hardest part of living in Nashville is I am so far from my family and you realize how helpless that makes you in a time of emergency. When she told me that Kim’s son had been in an accident around 9:00 AM and had been air lifted to Shands in Gainesville I knew it was bad. After hanging up the phone I felt as if I was loosing one of my family members. I got on my knees for the first time in a long time (atleast the getting down on my knees part) and prayed. As much as I hate to admit it something deep inside me said he would not make it, it actually made me mad that I thought it because I did not want to be negative under the circumstances and I wanted to believe there was still hope. Because I am practicing the law of attraction and trying to find my inner spirit I have been paying more attention to my inner thoughts, atleast the ones that I feel are leading me somewhere. That thought was not one I wanted to feel or believe at the time.

I grew up in a small town called Salt Springs on a lake about 30 miles outside of Ocala, Florida. My closest friends were Kim and her brother Lamar (AKA Marzie) Gay. Their mother, Christi was and still is like a second mother to me. There is a closeness with them that I can’t explain. Even though years often go by with out connecting, when we finally do, it is as if it were yesterday we were running through the woods playing. I have always felt a special bond…a closeness to them that never goes away even after 40+ years. Perhaps because we spent atleast our first 14+ years of life growing together. My family with their family. It was very special and contains many of my most memorable childhood experiences. So much so that I feel Christi (Kim’s mom) is the main reason I pursued art and became a photographer. Christi was a graphic designer and artist and my earliest memory as a child was her giving Marzie and I some artistic project to keep us entertained. Lamar, her husband at the time (their father) was very artistic as well.

On Sunday my sister called me around 10 AM to tell me that Kim’s son, Daniel (Danny) Walrath had passed away from the head injury he suffered from the accident. I was in Costco and tried to hold it together until I got home. I closed the bathroom door and sat on the floor feeling sad and empty as the tears fell. I have struggled with the fact that at 42 I more than likely will not have kids in my lifetime. I missed the boat on that one, by settling into unhealthy relationships time and time again and have been feeling a bit uneasy with the fact that I will never experience what most people say is the most gratifying part of life…having a child. So as I sat there on the floor thinking about how awful this was I couldn’t fathom what it might feel like to lose your own child. This whole week I have felt the weight of Danny’s death and the pain they all must be going through and I am sad. Life is full of so many surprises and I just don’t understand. Some of the things that have gone through my mind this week after being sad and then mad is why does God take someone so young with so much to look forward to in their future. Why not take someone like me, I have no obligations to anyone other than myself and I am not making any earth shaking acts of goodness in this world. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Over the past week I have tried several times to reach both Christi and Kim by phone to say….well what ever it is you are supposed to say. I did leave a message for Christi and after breaking down on the message wondered how badly I would upset her in person if I couldn’t even hold it together with voice mail. Even now typing this the tears keep coming and it all still feels so hard to believe. Today they had the viewing and Saturday will be the funeral. My mother had already told them I would be unable to attend the funeral and they understand. They have said with the overwhelming number of friends and family, connecting by phone means so much more.

So after a week of thinking about all this, the only conclusion I can come to is that we all have a purpose on this earth, something that we were put here to do, that we may not know or understand and mine surely is still to come. Somehow, someway I want to make a difference. And Daniel’s purpose…well, perhaps it was to touch all the lives of those he came across in the 16 short years he lived and to remind us how precious life is. That we have no idea when it will be our time or someone we love’s time to go. Tell the people you love that you love them and tell those who are important to you that they matter, don’t just think about it DO it, you may not have another chance.

Tomorrow I will once again try to reach Kim by phone. So what do you say to someone when they lose a child…it seems so much harder by phone than to just show up with no words and give a hug. The only thing that comes to mind right now is that I am sorry and I love her like a sister, she is and always will be family to me.

My friend Jeremy say’s it best in this song….

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=27694869

In loving memory of Daniel (Danny) Walrath RIP.

Life holds so many secrets and many times uncovers things that so often make no sense. Belief seems to be my primary source of comfort both when I am at my lowest point and when I am at my highest point in life. Through a lot of personal work over the years I have uncovered my stories, tried hard to let them go rather than bury them and move forward so that I could change my path in life. I have lived through good and bad times, feel as though I have made a lifetime of mistakes (as we all do) and have no hard feelings nor blame for anyone but myself. I put myself in every situation I was in right or wrong and knew in my gut if it felt right or wrong when I was in each place. It was in those times that I knew and never paid attention or didn’t want to believe that the situations was wrong for me. I choose to snub the inner voice and let things take a path that time proved was not supposed to be, each time for the hope of being loved and finding happiness. Those are the choices that I have learned the most from and I know now that they were all made for only one reason. I want love… to be loved and to feel loved and that can not happen until I love me. I have said it over and over and will probably say it again but at least now it is a constant thought. I can’t sort of love me or sometimes love me, I have to love who I am and be ok with me, there is no other way, it cant work outside of me until it works with in me. I have known that and fought with it all my life.

Tonight however I had an profound thought…..that enormous light bulb went off and I pondered this “loving me” knowledge from a different perspective. There is another side to this I never really thought of before now, it is a two way street, I can not be loved or feel loved by someone who does not love them self. It can’t work, it doesn’t work and it has not worked in any of my past relationships. It was not necessarily that the choices were bad it was more the fact that, in my opinion, none of the men of my past truly loved themselves and because of that they were incapable of loving me. Now don’t get me wrong…that does not make up for infidelity, dishonesty or verbal abuse but it does make since. Seeing that, believing that and knowing how it all works it is now my belief that to find true and meaningful love you have to first love yourself and then you will attract that love back into your life because you will see what is healthy and what is not. When you become healthy inside you bring healthy people into your life. It is no different than if you are rich and successful you draw rich successful people into your life. If you are angry and unhappy you draw angry and unhappy people into your life…and on it goes.

I guess we all feel we learn more from the mistakes than from the good things, I only wish we could focus more on the good things and less on the mistakes. I have been sad for a while, hopeful at times and unsure of the road ahead. I can’t say what won’t be happening next year but I can say with great assurance that it will hold many new and wonderful things for me both personally and in business. I have put it into motion and will only allow happiness to come my way. I am tired, I want to smile, I want to laugh and I want to…well just be happy. Right now I am willing to myself great times, great friends and lots of money! Love….well, the only focus on love for now is to love me, to focus on what I need to do and to get myself together so that I can love and be loved the way it was intended. I am grateful for everything I have and I have plenty. I am grateful for all that I have had both right and wrong because it has brought me to this place…this place of thinking, acceptance, admission, certainty, conclusion, confidence, expectation, faith, feeling, intuition, knowledge, mindset, thinking, trust and understanding. In that sentence is everything I have been searching for, for the past 42 years, if I had only looked at the Rogets Thesaurus sooner….see for yourself!

http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/belief

I am not sure why but it seems I always get sad this time of year. I am not sure if it is because of the cold weather, the upcoming holiday’s or just age creeping in on me. It was this time of year when I asked my husband for a divorce many years ago, in fact it has since been around this time of year that most of my past relationships have ended. This is the time of year my work slows down and money gets tight, when that happens it is often hard to stay happy. It was this time last year that my good friend and mentor Rusty Flynn came through town…later near Christmas I would learn he ended his life because of a life long battle with depression. I lost my grandmother this year and I miss her dearly, it is even harder to know that this is the first holiday season in my mothers life that she will not celebrate with her mother.

I have made an effort here to keep my blogs uplifting, to always end on a positive note no matter how down I was at the time of posting. I will do my best to uphold that with this one but at the same time I feel the need to just get the words and feelings out no matter where they might lead. That being said I guess I will say this in advance, no matter how positive people may appear on the outside as human beings we all have times of darkness and struggle where we have to face our inner fears. The positive only comes after we reflect on the negative and it only comes if we put an effort into believing that something good always happens from our suffering. We can choose to stay in a sad state and live with out hope or we can choose to allow sadness to come and know that in time it will pass if we believe it is so. The power of our mind and our thoughts is within us and as difficult as it is to control the ability to learn how to do so and the discipline that it takes is the difference between living a life of abundance or living a life of mediocrity.

These feelings have been following me for a few weeks now and I can’t figure out a solution. I have searched my mind over to figure out where this sadness is coming from within me, what is the cause and how can I fix it. The answer…is actually more of a question, and it makes it that much more difficult to answer. Why is it that I so often feel so lonely, so empty. Is this something we all feel or is it just one of those things that over time has become part of “my story”. I have heard over and over that if you believe there is a God and what he or she stands for, that you can’t be lonely. I do believe there is a higher power and I believe this is only a place we start from, that there is much more after we are gone but I still feel lonely. Am I doing something wrong? I have also heard that if you love yourself you bring worth to your inner being and it seems to me that in turn there would be no feeling of loneliness because you would feel content. I still feel lonely. I will admit that loving myself is still a struggle but it is getting better.

So my story…the one of loneliness. Well I was not abandoned as a child nor was I left by a parent but I did spend a lot of time alone. In fact, even now I love being alone, sometimes I believe too much. I have a wonderful family, I have always felt loved by them and always known that no matter what, they have always been there for me. As a child the 4 year difference in age of my younger sister, the fact that my parents worked a lot and that we lived in the country made for many hours a day alone, usually after school. I would sit under my favorite patch of pine trees, lie on my back watching the clouds roll by over head and daydream. Often I would write but mostly it was just about lying there and thinking. What I thought of back then…other than wanting to be a singer/artist and I am sure boy’s, I can’t really say for sure but I know I was very reflective and very introverted. Even when my parents were home I spent a lot of time in my room or in my little jonboat floating in the stillness of the quiet lake we lived on. I don’t really remember being sad but I do remember feeling alone. I guess if I felt alone I more than likely was sad now that I think about it. Over the years it has always been there, especially in my relationships. So does that mean I expect more from those I date or does it mean I somehow attract people into my life who continue to give me that empty and alone feeling because I am getting something out of it. Maybe my “addiction” to loneliness causes me to seek out those types of people because they continue to feed me that from which I am subconsciously seeking. That sounds so stupid but we do repeat things, good or bad that make us feel comfortable. Comfortable not necessarily in a “feel good” way but in a complacent way because it is easy.

Lately I feel even more lonely when I see children. It saddens me that I may never experience the love that is exchanged with being a parent, knowing you are needed and loved in a unconditional way and loving in the same respect. So how is it that I have a wonderful family and so many incredible, loving friends but I can still feel so alone at times…so empty. And why is it in those times when I feel so alone that I don’t want to be around anyone, it just doesn’t make any sense…