Thinking Diva

This year I want you all to join me in celebrating February as the “LOVE” month.  No I have not regressed with age to the likes of a hippie although I have had someone call me a hippie chic recently.  Generally those who are in relationships feel the love during this month due to Valentines Day but I think the whole month (whether you are in love or not) should be celebrated with love.  I believe every month it should be celebrated but for now lets just focus on February!

This new place I have found in life revolves around being grateful for what I have, not allowing myself to focus on what I don’t and giving something back.  I have grown to understand the importance of self-love and now realize that having that allows me to give more love outside of myself.  Maybe I have watched too many romantic movies lately or maybe  I have focused too much on the wisdom of Dr. Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay.  The point is that something has shifted inside of me in the past year and I have become so full of love and gratitude that I want to share it and make it contagious.  The more I give out the more it comes back to me and the more I smile.

Let me start with the things I love on an average day in the life of me….

I love my daily 7:20 AM call from Mom in Florida, just hearing her voice, the fact she wonders what I have planned and her saying to me “I love you” just before she hangs up.  I love the kisses I get from my 100lb, 1 year old big pink eared dog just before he rings the bell hanging on the back door to go out for his morning poo.  I love the painful hour of exercise I do everyday to get my day started and how it makes me feel, how it gives me time to think, clear my head, get focused and to breath.  I love the view I see from my treehouse on the hill looking out my kitchen window each and every morning as I make my morning coffee or tea, it makes me smile every single day.  I love that I have been fortunate enough to spend every day of my adult life thus far taking pictures, creating art and doing what makes my heart sing.  I love the checking in of my friends through out the day weather on FB, by text or by phone and I am so grateful for all those who acknowledge me, I have the greatest friends in the world.  I love Nashville and my home, the warmth it brings me and the fact that I survived the journey that brought me here.  I love that I have healed from that journey, that I have found inner happiness and that I smile more because of it.  As I end each day I love the comfort of my bed, the softness of my cotton sheets, the twinkle of the lights in the distance that I see from my bedroom window as I lay my head down to sleep. I love that I am healthy, alive and feel completely connected to something much bigger than I am (who I call God).

I believe love is the single most important thing we have yet we seldom see it because we get so caught up in the rush of everyday life.  If you could imagine for a moment that it was felt by all and replaced feelings of hate, judgement, arrogance and racism (among many others)…how do you think our world would look as opposed to the way it looks right now?  I could speak of love far longer than you might care to read so I will end by saying I love that I was given the gift of creativity, I believe I am good at it and that I am finding ways to use it to give back.  Life reflects how we think, love is what we all need, and I believe is what we were put here to do.  No matter how busy you are, how little money you have or how bad you may think your life is, today lets all begin to celebrate the month of “LOVE” and see what comes back.  What are the things that YOU LOVE in the average day of YOU?  Are you grateful?  Do you show your love to others?  This month give LOVE openly, and see where it takes you.  Love is a gift to us all, it is meant to be shared…you have no excuse not to love because it is free!

Ahhh dating, we have all done it at some time in our life and know that it is either fun or not so fun.  This blog comes from my personal ideas of what I want when dating and what I have discovered I love about the process.  I have come to realize finally that in order to enjoy dating you must tell yourself  that you enjoy dating.  As I have said many times before your life reflects how you think.  I never allowed myself to enjoy dating in the past because in my mind I believed I hated it and that it was no fun to go through the uncomfortable process of meeting a stranger hoping to find love.  There will always be an occasional “BAD” date and definitely uncomfortable moments but I believe that when you decide to change your thoughts in a positive way things not only become fun but interesting!

To start I have never been very good at getting a date.  My girlfriends have said I don’t know how to flirt.  I am always that one girl that stands in the back or off to the side never making eye contact because of being shy.  My ex husband said he thought I was stuck up the first time he met me because of my being quiet and my stand-off-ish behavior.  My guy friends have said that I don’t pay attention and that overlook the interested guys and the opportunity to get a date.  I have discovered that once you embrace the idea many of these things fix themselves.  Getting a date can be as easy as smiling and making eye contact with someone I am interested in, figuring out where to find these men of attraction is a bit more difficult especially at 44.

My thoughts of dating in this very moment are that it is to be fun, be light hearted, and I must NOT be focused on wanting to find love.  I must allow time to happen and experiences to be as they are intended with no expectation knowing that if it is no longer fun I have the choice to move on.

I am in no way saying that I don’t want to be in a relationship nor that I’m not interested in finding love.  What I am saying is that dating is not necessarily those things and it can actually be fun, but only when you decide in your own mind that it can be.  I figure that if I spent half my life in relationships that I felt would not last and often was very unhappy in yet I stayed much longer than I should have…why not be single for a while and enjoy the experience solely for the sake of having fun and meeting new people.  I am learning that many times a date or a few might lead to the knowledge of  “this will never work” but can create a wonderful friendship.

I am a bit old fashion when it comes to dating, much like a young school girl in my thinking.  I’m shy with many aspects of  getting to know someone and I am always guarded when it comes to sex.  The other night I had a conversation with a man and he assured me that ALL men want sex and have it on their mind especially in the beginning stages of dating.  As a woman knowing this makes me a bit uncomfortable in how to act.  I often find myself being more reserved because I don’t want my date to perceive through playful flirting I want to sleep with him.  I was assured by my male friend that this is not the case with many women today and based on our conversation it is not uncommon for a woman to be intimate on the second or even first date.

While in the early stages of dating I prefer a guy to pursue me rather than my having to make an obvious effort although he will know that I am interested if I am.  My dating style is to be patient and get to know the guy for a while before becoming intimate, I don’t care what anyone says I feel sex changes things.

With all that being said I thought I would make a list of the things I have discovered that I love about the very early stages of dating so here is that list…even at 44 this sounds a bit elementary.

I LOVE…

*how good it feels when your date says “you’re really pretty”….and then says it again when he is walking away for the night

*when you get a text in the middle of the day you were not expecting that makes you smile and feel a little flushed at the same time

*when you look into the eyes of someone new that you are attracted to and feel excited knowing they are just as attracted to you as they look back

*when he purposely puts his arm around you for the first time and you realize how nice it feels

*how good flirting feels especially when it comes back to you

*the warmth of him sitting next to you without his actually touching you but your wanting him too

*anticipation of anything….and everything

*wanting him to hold your hand but waiting patiently for the moment to happen

*how even at 44 when a guy you have an interest in holds your hand for the first time and you still feel like that little girl did the first time a boy touched your hand under the table

*how on a blind date, if you are not interested or attracted you can still find humor in the situation and laugh about something, in that moment you realize it is a choice to either have fun…or not…or perhaps run

*when you realize he is not the right person as a mate but that you would love to be friends, he is mature enough (even if he wanted more) to realize a friendship could last a life time and quite possibly be better than a relationship ever could

*how silly,  fun and often romantic it can be to share food

*how goofy I am while trying to find something sexy to wear for a date with someone I am interested in, if only there were a hidden camera

*the nervousness of that initial introduction and the gentle ease of conversation when you know it is going well

*the anticipation of a kiss, wondering when it might happen and when it finally does feeling the butterflies take flight

*when your eyes meet and you get a strange feeling of shyness and warmth at the same time

*learning about the other person and watching their lips as they talk

*catching your self looking at their butt as they walk off to the bathroom and thinking how hot they look

*every aspect of body language and how interesting it can be from a nervous chin rub, the constant twirling of a coaster or a leg that moves enough to shake the table

*laughing, laughing and more laughing

*loosing track of time because you are having so much fun and then realizing it is really late…or early the next day

*the first kiss

*being attracted..did I mention butterflies?

*the nervousness of having them over to your place for the first time

*catching him looking at your breasts, feeling awkward yet flattered especially if he smiles with the embarrassment of being caught

*meeting his friends and noticing the secret buddy language that says you are the man for being be seen with this hot woman

*the smell of a good cologne and how it makes you more attracted to him because of how good he smells

*trying a new restaurant that neither of you have been to before

*how a slight touch and smile makes you blush when you are really into him

*the hug on the second date when you walk into the room or answer the door

*talking and laughing until morning without intimacy being any part of the equation knowing that in time that will possibly be a part of the equation

*discovering he loves something that you do

*his saying at the end of the first date….I would like to see you again

So I realize that there could be a list of the bad but I want to remain positive in my current state.  These are what things come to mind for now but there are sooo many more once you start to get your feet wet.  So as I end this post let me say I am having so much fun and truly for the first time in my adult life enjoying the act of dating.  What are your love’s I would enjoy knowing!  Until next time I am sending love out to you all…thank you for reading!

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!

How can a guy have multiply sex partners in the same week with out any feelings of regret and how can men be so excited about having sex and not be excited about falling in love?

Today as I as I was headed downtown to show my portfolio I was hit with the song “You Found Me” by the the Fray.  It was in that few minutes I had the realization I still have a lot of healing to do.  I actually remember hearing another song of theirs called “How To Save A Life” nearly a year ago on an episode of scrubs I watched with Todd.  It resonated then to our situation, it made me sad because he was so far gone into a sad and depressed state then, but this song…it rips my heart apart.  With his passing and the manner in which it happened every lyric of that song now haunts me.  I thought I had moved forward a little but now I realize that the healing is going to take a while maybe a long while, I am unsure, this was not just a break up it was a death.

I recently allowed my self to return to the dating scene, I have enjoyed the company but wonder if my resistance to move to fast shows. I am cautious, I am being careful, I don’t think I am very warm at times, I feel a little withdrawn, I am not really interested in being touched, I believe I am being smart and patient!  I want to get to know someone, to spend time, to laugh but from my experience so far it seems men want to move fast, they want to touch right away, is it just a sex thing?  Are women really being like the girls on sex and the city these day’s and jumping in the sack after only a few dates?  I often wonder if I am an old soul or perhaps just a romantic dreamer hoping the love of my life falls in love with who I am first rather than obsessing about how I am in bed. Maybe it is that I just have not met the right date…one I actually have chemistry with.  Men are definitely visual and seem to be ok with a woman if she is attractive even if there is nothing they have in common.  I am different, I find myself wanting more than a pretty face, needing some connection to even have an interest no matter how hot a guy is.  When TG and I first broke up I admit I went on a few spontaneous dates more so because I knew he was and I had hoped it would ease my mind some, that wonderful breakup syndrome we go through in the beginning.  But when a guy wants to grab my tit on the 2nd date or makes a similar impression I am totally turned off.  If there are any guys who actually read this….sex changes things, we all know that.  I am not looking for just a sex partner, at least not right now (although at times the thought does sound interesting).  The few dates I have been on were either to that extreme or just made me feel as if the idea of more than 2-3 dates of getting to know me on a personal level not a physical one was more than the date could handle.  Turned off, you better believe it!  Maybe now I have a bad attitude toward men in general, whatever the case I am happy right where I am.  If I meet someone and there is an interest on each end then I am up for the start of the process.  If it takes a quick turn and I get turned off then that is that.  If however there is a spark, we have a lot in common and we laugh a lot, I think there is potential.

I am for the first time in my adult life completely comfortable with being single.  I can take care of myself, I don’t have a lingering loneliness, I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel complete, I don’t need someone to validate me and I am not sitting around waiting.  I am living my life, doing things I love to do, making new friends and loving the life I have created.  If the right guy comes along…and I know someday he will, he will NOT complete me because I know I have already done that!  But he will compliment my life, he will make me smile when I think about him, he will laugh with me and be open with his thoughts.  I will be proud to talk about him to my friends and I know that he loves me for who I am not only on the outside but who I am on the inside!  Keep laughing those of you who doubt, I have seen it and I believe, life is short and there is still so much more to do, why not be patient and happy!

Well since I have laid here for the past few hours unable to sleep pondering the above line I finally decided to put my thoughts down rather than replaying them in my head for another 2 hours before getting up. This house sits on a steep hill and it has been a restless night as I have been unable to sleep with the wind whipping loudly across the windows. I guess I will start with relationships which seems to be the root of all my excess baggage. Those of the opposite sex would be the main source and for me would consist of the following…miss trusted, miss judged, unfaithful, non-communicative, mis-communicated, misinterpreted, controlling, arrogant, self-centered, silent, loud, uncommitted, judgementive, verbally abusive, uncommon, introverted, extroverted, argumentative, non monogamist and dishonest. My friendships have been better chosen although there are a few that held many of the above traits, namely dishonest and mis judged…damn it sounds like the roof is going to fly off here and the wolf is driving me crazy pacing nervously outside the door, anyway…so with the above descriptive words I have to admit I am often too trusting and honest for my own good. I often only see the good in others and avoid seeing the bad for an extended period, usually long enough to have wasted a lot of time which has lead me to now, today. I have picked unhealthy relationships where I have been lied to, cheated on and verbally abused. I have caught my a best friend with my boyfriend and caught a boyfriend with another woman not once but twice…or more. With all the baggage that has been left over the years it is a wonder I can function let alone why anyone would bother to ask me out for a date.

So now is where I have to tell the beauty of it all….I realize that I am not alone. We all have stories and have experienced disappointment from bad decisions. I realize that there are many people out there that just seem to have it together, fail to make these sort of choices and have lead much more satisfying lives in relationships that were healthy. I also realize that I allowed each of the unhealthy relationships to continue in my life for long periods of time and I have no one else to blame but myself. I except that blame but refuse to hold onto it and allow it to hold me back from what I believe lies ahead. I could analyze my life and say my choice of dysfunctional relationships was due to the dysfunctional relationship I witnessed of my mother and father. I am sure that it all affects us when exposed to those things but for me my decisions were because I lacked inner strength and confidence. Something I feel I have found and I am proud of. Those two things will allow me to make better healthier choices with everything in my life.

Even though I feel I have continuously failed with my past choices of men I have to be honest…I was getting something good out of each and every one of them or I would not have stayed. You just dont stay if you are not getting something, as humans we are needy and we all want and we all get. So how is it possible for me to not carry the baggage from my past. Well it is a choice. I dont want the drama, I dont need the anguish and I truly believe that holding on only repeats the pattern. Letting go offers possibilities and allows us to experience new things. We cant erase where we have been but we can change the direction we are going based on what we have learned. We have to have a desire to find our way and for me that is reason enough to let the past go. I know I will make mistakes in the future but I cant let those mistakes hold me back.

I have been told quite often that I open myself up too much, that I am too honest and trusting and that people will take advantage of me because of it. Maybe that is true but the fact remains it is who I am and in order for me to be happy I have to allow myself to be who I am. I now realize I just need to pay more attention and allow myself to walk away from those type of people, not feel bad about it and leave the baggage behind. I don..t have to go out of my way to make everyone like me. You cant make everyone like you it is not possible. Right now I feel better than I can remember ever feeling before. Each day I get up I think of what is possible and it seems I have a smile on my face most of the time. Letting go has made me feel like I am moving forward…I honestly feel I have lost the luggage!