Thinking Diva

So much has happened lately, the emotions brought on by the flood, seeing people hurt and rebuild, watching people join together and the strange birth from out of no where of ReTune Nashville into my life.  I have had many moments of self reflection and with each moment I keep thinking of the gift of life and the road that led me here.  For me there is a newly found happiness of just being, I am happy 95% of the time with an occasional bad mood but I realize I am in charge of my mood so it has become easier to react to things based on how I want to feel.  Feeling good happens when I am in a good mood therefore I choose to be in a good mood no matter what.

For some reason the same two questions continue popping up in my mind. Who am I?  What is my purpose?  After all this time it is these two questions that never seem go away completely.  Even when I feel I have found myself, discovered a secret to life and maybe even stumbled upon my purpose. There will be a point in time where these questions will resurface because life is continuous, always moving in a forward direction even when I don’t feel that it is.  I thought mine was on hold the past 9 years but looking in the mirror at the lines slowly collecting around my eyes I am reminded that time is marching on.

So my story is clear, it is all the things I have done, places I have been, people who have filtered through my life in various ways over time and how I have allowed all of my choices to lead my life to where I am right now.  But who I am?  I am what I think I am and I do believe that sometimes it is not what others see.  So often we filter in opinions of our self based on a false meaning from what someone said or how we interpreted what someone said.  Who we are is up to us, we have a choice in how we see ourselves and we have a choice in what we choose to believe.

Who am I?  I do know that this is and will continue to change until the day I die because time will not stop as long as I am breathing. I am a woman who loves her family.  They are and will always be the most important part of me (even if Mom thought it was cute to dress me as a skunk for halloween).  I am a very open minded person yet at times I feel I am somehow trapped by my conservative upbringing.  Yes I marvel over those who can ink up their bodies in grande displays, not because they have the balls to do it but because they have the courage to be who they believe they are no matter how others look at them.  I am a woman who feels deeply and wants to give of myself more now than I have ever wanted in my past.  I know I am intelligent although at times I feel really dumb at certain things.  I feel attractive at times but I continue to question my identity with hopes of one day secretly winning a makeover and rediscovering a diamond that I always knew was there I just had no idea how to make it shine.  I am always trying to find ways to challenge my mind and to make money through what I love but I also have found a new joy in being quiet and living simple.  I love to talk when I am around those I know but when I am around strangers I am shy and reserved.  I feel healthy, I enjoy my work outs most every day, I feel better when I eat better and I love my dog.  I have, for the first time in my life become completely content with being single and although I would love to be asked out on occasion by someone I am attracted to I feel no panic in my lack of men or my not being in a relationship.  I believe when it is time it will happen and that it is all happening exactly as it should.  I am for the first time in my life living with no worry of where my career or time will take me, I have goals and dreams but I am ok with how things fall into place because I believe that there is something bigger guiding me in the right direction.  I trust my forward path will be as it should because I am healthier in my thinking, I am spiritual and I know I am being guided.  I have embraced self love in ways I never thought I could and I believe it has given me not only confidence but also restored happiness to my life that was missing for a very long time.  Most of all I have found an enormous amount of love with in me and it makes me want to pass it on knowing how powerful that is and how good it feels.

Perhaps I am just a bunch of words, and what if I am, what if to me words are just a way for me to cope and to grow.  What if words are also my secret gift to others without even knowing it.  Often as I am writing I imagine myself as the narrator of a movie, a simple story of an average person living an average life, but it is how the words are expressed that matters, that is also what makes the story stand on its own.  Words have the potential to make a story unfold but they also have the ability to make you feel the story.  The truth is my story really doesn’t matter to you.  Who am I?  Who are you?  What is your story?  Can you tell me in a way that will make me feel, can you tell your love ones things in ways that make them feel, what is it that they are feeling from your story.  Is it a good story, if not how can it be?  Maybe we would all be in a better place, perhaps a happier place if we thought about our story and spoke it in a way where people not only felt it but it brought a smile.  You are your story so start creating, the past is the past it doesn’t carry meaning unless you allow it to.  Think about it….I am!

The past  week here in Nashville I have been filled with fear, sadness, guilt and anger.  Friday night started with heavy rain and wind, a combination that always gets me nervous on this hill when there is worry of tornadoes.  For two days I was glued to the internet and tv watching as the water started to rise, mopping up the leaky windows and the creek that ran through my basement.  I was in fear that my home would be damaged but believed that this hill would save me from the fate so many have had to face, it did.  The fate of loosing every thing you have that you believe makes you, you.  I have felt sadness, I have cried every day and my heart has felt heavy with the images of what is and will be around us for a while.  I have felt guilt for the mere fact that I was spared and am so very fortunate that I still have a home, that my life will be back to normal much quicker than many.  And I was angered that the national news media like CNN did not seem to think this was newsworthy enough for more coverage.  They barely mentioned the water rising, the danger, the rescues or the struggles people were facing and we need outside awareness with hopes of donations for those who have lost everything.  Many of the people here did not have flood insurance and I fear that will be the worst part in the rebuilding of their lives.  The past day or two our complaints were met with apologies and we are NOW finally getting much more national coverage.

Through all of the emotions I have felt this week one has and will be with me through what ever lies ahead and that is love.  I love this city, I love the people here and with that love I will do what ever I can to help those who are in need.  Everyone is offering their time and money to help others, I have never seen such an outpouring of love amongst strangers.  I have donated the past two days to the Red Cross shooting PR for the the disaster relief efforts.  But Wednesday night as I laid in bed wondering how I could do something positive in this time of sadness, a single image online of a guitar sitting among the debris sparked an idea that I know will be a positive endeavor and will raise money for victims who lost everything.

As many of you know I have a soft heart for anything art related. Songwriting, music, photography, drawing, painting and mixed media are what I love and what I induldge in  when I am in need of an outlet.  I enjoy being around creative people and love any opportunity to bridge the gap of music and art.  At 7:30 AM Thursday I began putting my ideas into an email that I sent to 50 friends to see if they though it was worthy.  Four hours later it had been forwarded to more than 2000 people and climbing.  My idea is now in planning and I believe it is taking flight as we speak.  I will launch the details in the next few days,  it involves taking the musical items that are to be disposed of from the flood, distributing them to designated artist to be transformed into art which will then be sold and the proceeds will go to the flood victims.  I have had 100 emails today just about this project and my phone has rang off the hook.  I will need a lot of help and that help is coming by the minute.  The next  two days I will be working on a name for this event and putting the project into an outline.  Once that happens with the help of others we will post the details, plan the committees, start the FB page and begin the stages for the launch of what I know will be an amazing opportunity to give back.

I want to bring music and art together in a way that has not been done before, I want to gain media coverage for a cause that will bring hope to those who are in need.  With this project I want to celebrate that Nashville is one of the most creative places to live, that we work together as if we were family, that we do what ever we can for those in need and most of all that we have love in our hearts for our people and our community.  I love this town more than I ever imagined I could and I know that this difficult time will only make our people and our city better and stronger.  Sending love and prayers to you all…stay tuned!

I started this blog years ago to share in hopes of helping people.  I have not figured out as of yet how to really get it out there and feel it touches very few people but still, I am here.  Although I often open myself up and share pretty deeply, there are things we all keep to our selves.  Things that no one, not even our closest friends or loved ones know of or quite possibly would even be able to understand.  I have posted things from my heart that people said I should not put out there because of what others would think.  I have said things that some believed I should remove because it would make others think of me in an undesirable way.  I have shared my thoughts and people have stated they thought I might need to seek professional help.  At the same time these things have gained praise, compassion and gratitude by others who’s emails have made me feel I am doing the right thing.  The truth is no matter what I share there will always be judgment of some kind.  As humans it is what we do and it is expected.  Although there are places I will not allow myself to share openly here, I feel there is some reason that little voice in my head keeps telling me to post what I am experiencing.

I believe that some people truly need help, that in-balance exist and that often prescribed drugs need to be taken.  I believe my high’s and lows are natural, that life is not always an upward plane and that at times we have to feel, to be humbled and to experience life.  If we are feeling pain yet know in our thoughts that it is supposed to be that way because that is the course of life I think we can keep things on track once we have the experience, regain our focus and then allow ourselves to move forward knowing it all leads to a better place.  I don’t want to hide, I don’t need to take some pharmaceutical drug a doctor thinks I need and I know that a bottle or recreational drug is not going to keep any painful thoughts from being experienced.  Numbing the experience is not going to make me a healthier person.  Life is our own journey, we set our path with each choice we make, we allow ourselves to place meaning on everything that comes into play and our thoughts determine our next move.  That being said no matter what, we are all going to hurt at times, we are all going to feel sad and sometimes…lost. We all experience health issues, break ups, broken hearts, broken friendships, losses and death.  At the same time if we look deeply into each of these things as they happen and allow ourselves to feel the hurt yet see what was also good in the experience we will eventually grow as an individual.  It is why people who have lost loved ones to tragedy often find a way to help others in need.  That those sad or seemingly negative experiences often lead to very uplifting and motivational publications, movies, businesses and organizations.  It is often what it takes in our lives to trigger something that helps us discover our purpose.

With all that was said above are you wondering what this post is actually about?  Well, I can’t say there is any one thing and although I honestly feel very happy with where I am in life for some reason at times I just feel a bit like a roller coaster (and I am getting really tired of some of you women blaming it on “THE CHANGE”).  This is life and lately my lower points happen when I see or remember something that reminds me of Todd.  I have never experienced the death of someone I have been intimate with, that I truly and deeply loved and that I feared would die because of their life style yet never believing it would actually happen.  Life is strange that way. I go through stages when it comes to Todd and lately he has been on my mind a lot.  I am wondering if maybe there are years of  emotional stages you go through when death has come in a tragic manner.  I think of him when I grab the remote, when I hear certain songs, drive by a certain place…there are things everywhere that make me think of him and not a single day goes by where he doesn’t filter through my mind.  Recently a friend gave me a jacket they had that was Todd’s, I went through all the pockets hoping I would find something he might have left, that he might have touched.  I didn’t want to but needed to wash it because it was extremely dirty, as I pulled it out of the dryer I couldn’t’ help but wonder what he had done the last time he wore it as tears fell down my cheeks.   I have been considering contacting some local establishments that deal with helping people who suffer from alcohol and drug addictions to offer my experiences with Todd and the reality of what can happen.  It would be a very difficult thing for me to do in person but I feel driven in some way to move in that direction.  Right now I am allowing my life to move forward on the ideas that come to mind and what I feel in my gut, this is one of them but I have yet to take action.

Several weeks ago I had a discussion about religion with a person I have not known for very long, we talked about Todd and some of the circumstances leading up to his death.  This person began to tell me in a polite yet Godly way that Todd more likely was not in Heaven, that he was in hell because of the sinful things he had done.  Now before I go on I will say that Religion and Politics are two things I don’t openly care to share or discuss, I feel we are all entitled to our choice in these areas and that judgment lies deeper in these two areas than any others.  That being said I have always admitted openly that I do believe in God and I am a spiritual person.  When this person made that statement it not only bothered me but it disturbed me.  I told the person they were entitled to their belief but I choose to believe differently and then ended the discussion.  I choose to believe that God does not punish, he loves, he forgives and he understands that as humans some of us are weaker than others.  It is not my place to judge other peoples actions, choices or where they end up, I don’t need to waist the energy on judgment of others I can only worry about my own actions.  I do have a choice in my thinking and what I choose to believe when it comes to Todd.  Todd was a wonderful loving person who also suffered from many painful things he could not overcome.  It has bothered me for several weeks now but in MY heart and mind Todd is in heaven and I know he will be there with a big grin on his face when it is my time to go.  I am not sure why I wanted to share that but I did want to get it off my chest and this seemed like the place to do it.

I realize this blog is a bit scattered in thought with this post but that is ok.  I am not trying to write a book, say something that will get me praise or earn friendships. I am just sharing and that isn’t something that should be proofread and edited a million times in hopes of pleasing everyone.  I love who I am, I love what I do, I love my family and friends and I feel very confident in my skin…I recently celebrated a birthday and I love that another year has allowed me to grow into the person I am right here…right now!  Love, love, love I can’t say the word enough, sending love out to all of you until next time!

The older I get the more I notice that I feel others sadness when dealing with the embarrassment of public humility.  It is the biggest reason I tend to watch less tv, especially the news.  It seems that no matter how thick our skin is there are times that something said can affect us in a negative and hurtful way.  We are often too busy worrying about what others think about us or we are passing judgment about others and we forget we all originated from the same cloth.  Tiger Woods is a perfect example, though I do not agree with his actions I believe the media has taken it too far, let the man deal with his bad choices on his own and in private.  It amazes me and saddens me that our society gets so much pleasure in others pain and humility.

In my younger-past life I was very sensitive to others opinions, to the stares of those who seemed to look down on me and to those who did not like me no matter how hard I tried to make them think differently.  I worked hard to be accepted and wanted everyone to love me.  I would sometimes do things I did not want or agree with for acceptance.  Thank God I am still here to talk about them because some of the things I did in my teens could have taken my life had the circumstances been different in even a split second of the moment.

I struggled in elementary school with a speech impediment that made me different, it made other kids talk down to me and it hurt.  While they were out playing kick ball, laughing and having fun I was in a classroom trying to learn how to talk like everyone else.  As I grew older those internal feelings grew and I allowed them to manifest into something I believed not something that truly was.  I never felt I was good enough, I never felt pretty enough and I allowed my thoughts to take over my choices by settling.  I stayed in relationships that offered reinforcement on my belief through manipulation because I thought I deserved less.  I never trusted because in my mind everyone was planning to hurt me, I was outwardly doing everything I could to be accepted but privately I was sad and very alone.  I believed that loving yourself meant that you were selfish and self centered and I had become a victim in my own thinking, I was living my story…one that I myself created in my own mind.  The person here before you now is very different from that person, although at times some of those old thoughts may resurface I am always aware and I am able to find my true self, that self that I know I love.

For me something happened…something shifted somewhere around the time I entered my forties.  Perhaps it was the mere fact that I finally began the battle of wanting to love myself and except, honor and be grateful for what I had, what I was and who I am.  I think the real factor was that I was truly tired of the struggle, of the sadness and I wanted to figure out how to be happy.  Wouldn’t it be great if we all could find that early in life so that discovering the truth self-love creates for us could be experienced by all.  Imagine how much more happiness we could have encountered in our lives if this were the case, now imaging how much more happiness your children could have if you teach these things to them now.

The idea for this post came to mind when I remembered an episode that happened on the playground in 1st grade way back when I was struggling with my speech impediment and my feeling of not fitting in.  I was friends with an african american girl named Karen and we would often take turns throwing the basketball after school on the basketball courts.  It is hard to believe that where I grew up there were practically no african american people who lived or went to school with me and there were no other ethnic kids in our school.  Even today I hate that we have to use titles to represent the color of skin (or sexual preference) to define a person who is not a straight caucasian.  On this particular day as we walked to the basketball court two boys started saying awful, judgemental things to Karen because of her color.  It was obvious she was used to being talked down to in that way and she began to walk away as the boy’s continued with their rudeness.  For whatever reason and without even thinking about my actions I stood next to her with a basketball planted between my arm and resting on my hip full of attitude and confidence as I told the boys we were staying and were playing whether they wanted us to or not.  Through her humility on that day in that instant I saw a faint smile and she stayed there with me regardless of the fear she was feeling.  At the time I did not realize what an impact that must of made on her but she stayed my friend until we moved on to different schools.  I never saw her as a color but as a girl that I liked to hang out with and I have to thank my mother for those morals because she always told me that I should always treat others as I would want to be treated because in Gods eyes we are all the same.

Most of my life I allowed myself to experience humility and felt it was what I deserved, boy did I have that all wrong and now I realize it was something I made up in my own mind.  I believe that this is the reason I have always felt drawn to those who are different, to those who might be considered strange, damaged or less fortunate…perhaps it is the reason I want so badly to give something back and to make others feel good about themselves.

In my quest the greatest lesson I have learned is that you can’t make everyone love you no matter how hard you try but you can make your thoughts about what people think or say mean NOTHING….it is all how you think and what you allow yourself to believe.  Most of the time we have it all wrong in believing that someone else is even thinking about us.  Insecurity runs rampant when we allow it to but we always have the choice to love ourselves enough for it not to matter.  This is what I choose, this is who I have become and my hope is that if I can touch even just one person out there in a way that changes their self-thought in a positive way I have made some sort of difference.  As always I am sending love to all because love is the truth of why we are here.  The greatest thing you can do in life is to give love and compassion so pass it on….

I slept in today and that is not something that happens often.  I actually was awake but couldn’t (for some reason) bring myself to want to get out of bed.  Today is Valentines Day and all week leading up to today I have read post, received emails and talked to friends who were dreading the day’s arrival.   “Love Stinks” parties and “Single Valentines” events for those sad souls who are without a partner.  Those who are in relationships complaining how the hype makes the holiday expensive with limited restaurant menu’s and expensive price tags.  All this stress over a day focusing on “LOVE”.   Why  do we really need a day to remind us to be grateful and celebrate the one or one’s we love.  Everyday we should be showing love and for a day that was created for the sake of love it seems so many are stressed out and wanting it to pass as quickly as possible.

I am happy today, my dad’s birthday was yesterday, this week several of my friends are celebrating their b-days and I have wonderful people I love in my life.  Today I started my day with a kiss and a hug to my big white pink eared dog and a call to my mom to say happy “V” day and “I love you”.  Sure, it would be great to have someone special to celebrate the occasion with and in time I will be in that place but I won’t need a “specific” day to remind me show love to that special someone, it will be shown everyday.

So I have to admit although I have been happy all week, grateful for the busy work week and looking forward to a little quiet relaxation time I have felt a little off.  I have been aware of it but not sure what it was about.  I avoided people all weekend and enjoyed spending time at home alone watching cheesy movies about falling in love.  I often with draw, I enjoy being alone at times, I am not feeling depressed in any way so although I am not feeling sociable I feel happy overall.  Perhaps I feel a little off because I am trying to use less sugar in my diet and have felt a little out of sorts over the experience and the failures at times.  I though it was the reason I was feeling restless all week and having a hard time focusing.

As I become a healthier person in mind, body and spirit I am learning that often things trigger past events in our lives.  That no matter how positive or happy we are there will always be times of reflection that might feel painful yet need to be experienced.  I believe these events happen because we need to be reminded of who we are, where we have been and by believing that happiness lies with in our own minds we keep moving forward.  These events are reminders for us to see the beauty in all things, good or bad, and to live life feeling and growing rather than being numb to the process.  More often than not if we keep a positive mind set and believe these events are there to help us grow we will see something beautiful on the other side from the experience.  Individually, for each of us this is our very own road of life, we make the decisions where and when to turn so we must live with where ever we end up!  I choose to be happy no matter where I land.

The truth is that Todd has been on my mind a lot this week and I think maybe Valentines is the trigger.  I have had some dreams of him, I have been missing him and I am sad that he is gone.  I never watch tv and this week found myself watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab, connecting so much with what was happening in the episode especially with the drama. For those of you who are new to my post, Todd passed away a year and a half ago of a drug overdose.  I dated him for two years prior and was unaware of his issues, after a year of dating and then moving in together I realized he had an addiction.  I tried to get him help and eventually had to break up with him because I could no longer handle his addiction.  It was a tough decision because I loved him dearly but I could no longer deal with the events that the drug and alcohol addiction had created in our lives, he died eight month later.  I have never been into drugs, I don’t even like to take aspirin and other than drinking alcohol on occasion I prefer to feel in control of my body, my mind and my actions.  I am very nieve to the habits and characteristics drugs create because I have no knowledge of what they do internally nor how they make you feel.  Now days everyone seems to be taking pharmaceutical drugs….personally I think these might be worse than any of the ones I knew about when I was younger.  The bottom line is that losing someone you love is tough especially when it is sudden and unexpected, it takes time to heal and although it gets easier over time things do resurface.  You do repeat the grieving process and remember the person who is no longer living.

Todd has been on my mind, although I have been happy this week there has been a slight unknowing sadness or feeling of being off.  I realized this morning while lying in bed that three years ago Todd had given me a beautiful saffire ring (not an engagement ring) for valentines, it was one of the most memorable and happy valentines I can remember ever having.

So here I am not sure why I am writing today but wanting to say something to lift my spirits and yours, at least those of you who may be feeling a bit down on this day of recognizing “LOVE”.  What I can say is this…I am ever so grateful that even though Todd has passed I had the opportunity to love him, to be loved by him knowing he loved me the best he could in light of his addiction and realizing that in life there are no guarantees.  We must remember to show our love to all those who are important to us, lovers, friends, family and even strangers.  Life is a constant learning platform with up’s and downs.  At times things may not seem fair, bad things do happen but the ability to think positive even when you might not be feeling it will make all the difference in your life and in being happy.

Love comes in many forms, kindness is the greatest and it is within all of us, it is free and always available to give. Today I am grateful for every single thing in my life.  Thinking of all those unfortunate people in Haiti and what they are having to endure makes me that much more grateful and makes me want to give more because I have the ability to do so.  Today I celebrate “Valentine Day” buy saying to all of you…those I know and those I do not, “I love you” for being who you are, for reading this and for being in my life.  Sending love out to everyone….until next time!  SMOOCH!!!!

This year I want you all to join me in celebrating February as the “LOVE” month.  No I have not regressed with age to the likes of a hippie although I have had someone call me a hippie chic recently.  Generally those who are in relationships feel the love during this month due to Valentines Day but I think the whole month (whether you are in love or not) should be celebrated with love.  I believe every month it should be celebrated but for now lets just focus on February!

This new place I have found in life revolves around being grateful for what I have, not allowing myself to focus on what I don’t and giving something back.  I have grown to understand the importance of self-love and now realize that having that allows me to give more love outside of myself.  Maybe I have watched too many romantic movies lately or maybe  I have focused too much on the wisdom of Dr. Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay.  The point is that something has shifted inside of me in the past year and I have become so full of love and gratitude that I want to share it and make it contagious.  The more I give out the more it comes back to me and the more I smile.

Let me start with the things I love on an average day in the life of me….

I love my daily 7:20 AM call from Mom in Florida, just hearing her voice, the fact she wonders what I have planned and her saying to me “I love you” just before she hangs up.  I love the kisses I get from my 100lb, 1 year old big pink eared dog just before he rings the bell hanging on the back door to go out for his morning poo.  I love the painful hour of exercise I do everyday to get my day started and how it makes me feel, how it gives me time to think, clear my head, get focused and to breath.  I love the view I see from my treehouse on the hill looking out my kitchen window each and every morning as I make my morning coffee or tea, it makes me smile every single day.  I love that I have been fortunate enough to spend every day of my adult life thus far taking pictures, creating art and doing what makes my heart sing.  I love the checking in of my friends through out the day weather on FB, by text or by phone and I am so grateful for all those who acknowledge me, I have the greatest friends in the world.  I love Nashville and my home, the warmth it brings me and the fact that I survived the journey that brought me here.  I love that I have healed from that journey, that I have found inner happiness and that I smile more because of it.  As I end each day I love the comfort of my bed, the softness of my cotton sheets, the twinkle of the lights in the distance that I see from my bedroom window as I lay my head down to sleep. I love that I am healthy, alive and feel completely connected to something much bigger than I am (who I call God).

I believe love is the single most important thing we have yet we seldom see it because we get so caught up in the rush of everyday life.  If you could imagine for a moment that it was felt by all and replaced feelings of hate, judgement, arrogance and racism (among many others)…how do you think our world would look as opposed to the way it looks right now?  I could speak of love far longer than you might care to read so I will end by saying I love that I was given the gift of creativity, I believe I am good at it and that I am finding ways to use it to give back.  Life reflects how we think, love is what we all need, and I believe is what we were put here to do.  No matter how busy you are, how little money you have or how bad you may think your life is, today lets all begin to celebrate the month of “LOVE” and see what comes back.  What are the things that YOU LOVE in the average day of YOU?  Are you grateful?  Do you show your love to others?  This month give LOVE openly, and see where it takes you.  Love is a gift to us all, it is meant to be shared…you have no excuse not to love because it is free!

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!

I have spent many holidays alone since moving to Nashville eight years ago.  I have found that there is a distinct loneliness in doing that but at the same time it allows me to reflect on what I like or dislike about my life.  It enables me to see more clearly what I have to be grateful for and often what I want to change.  I will admit I would love to be with family or have a significant other to celebrate the holiday with but I believe this is an opportunity for me to think deeply during these quiet times and discover what is truly important.  Last night (Christmas Eve) I went to a church service alone and knew no one.  In the brief time there I was moved by some of the simplest things.  I witnessed a grandfather sitting in front of me holding his grandchild.  I watched her look lovingly and admiringly into his eyes, her small hands wrapped softly around his neck and I felt the presence of love as he kissed her cheek repeatedly.  I saw another small child in her grandmothers arms staring with amazement at the candle light with a smile that would make the coldest of hearts melt.  I witnessed the sound or people singing, smiling and laughing.  I saw people hugging, kissing and holding hands, their eyes showed true sparkles of love as they looked at each other throughout the night all in honor of the birth of Christ.  It reminded me once again how important love is in our lives and how simple it is to give and receive yet so often we don’t allow ourselves to experience it because we get so caught up in the busyness of our days. As the last song was being sung I slipped out the back feeling overwhelmed with emotion not wanting to make eye contact with anyone.

I sat in the parking lot as my eyed filled with tears and tried to figure out exactly what I was feeling, it was not necessary sadness because a part of me was so happy to have witnessed love all around me.  As I drove home I thought how different my night might be if I had still been in the relationship with my last partner or if I had decided to drive down to Florida to be with my family.  Then I thought about Todd and how only a year ago I was grieving his death.  I couldn’t help but take a right turn off my path home to drive by the house he had lived in and passed away in.  I couldn’t help but break down emotionally as I neared the house.  At that moment through teary eyes I was moved by what I saw and what I realized.  There was a Christmas tree in the living room window, the lights were on in many of the rooms and the house seemed to have a life to it.  As I turned the corner I saw in the light of the kitchen a very small child with a huge smile on his/her face and a memory came to mind of Todd holding me there more than a year and a half ago. Through the tears in that instant I realized how amazing life is, how much can change in a moment and how brief our time is here on this earth.  Seeing life in that house where only a year before there was none moved me in a way that can’t be expressed in words it can only be felt.  More and more I am realizing that life is about feeling things not just going through the motions.

As I sit here tonight writing these words alone on Christmas I can say I am ready to live because for the first time in a long time I am feeling life again.  Even feeling sad on occasion and lonely at times I realize as long as I turn those feelings into something positive I know what lies ahead is better than anything I could have ever have experienced in my past.  The reason is that with all the lessons of my past I take only the good, I forgive and I move forward believing there are better things out there for me as I become a better person through each lesson.

This year I have come to realize that like myself there are people out there struggling right now-feeling lost, lonely and unsure of what their future holds.  We are never, EVER alone!  Many people have lost jobs, lost homes, lost saving, lost relationships and lives have been stripped down like never before.  We are at a place where fear has taken hold and people seem to be sad or angry over their current state of affairs.  Yes it is a time of uncertainty, that has been proven over and over in the media.  I choose to believe that maybe….just maybe this is an opportunity like never before to be who we are truly supposed to be.  That the “stripping down”? is an amazing opportunity to look within ourselves in order to discover a treasure that each of us has to offer, something of ourselves, unselfishly to those around us, to love and to feel.  Maybe this is supposed to bring us together rather than separate us with the materialistic world we have grown to want. To realize a materialistic lifestyle distances us as individuals because in order to live that life style we stop feeling due to the busyness it creates.  Life is supposed to be felt, not covered up, not numbed but felt.  I have always believed that the deeper the hurt the greater the joy on the other side as long as you believe.  Love is what we all need because we are human and it is so easy to give. Regardless of how my holiday was spent it was absolutely perfect.  Although I felt somewhat lonely I realize that love is the answer to everything.  Happy holidays my friends and thank you for reading!

Today my best friend posted a blog about love (http://www.amyvenezia.com/2009/09/23/last-night-facebook-taught-me-about-love-and-peace/).  What is strange is that the idea came to her after a facebook post went sour for her yesterday.  Some people got snippy because they were associated with the thread and they decided they didn’t want to receive the emails from the thread anymore.  Strange that a month or so ago I started some art pieces centered around the word love.  What is also weird to me is I planned on writing about love yesterday but went into a different place that was more introspective when posting.  So today I too will write about love but from the initial thought I had a few days ago…

Do you say “I love you” to those you feel you have love for?  If you are in a relationship or talking to a parent, your child or a sibling those words might come easy but what about the other people in your life who have great meaning to you but are not in that realm?  I have never had a hard time saying those words to my sister, my mom, my nephew, my dad or to a man I might have been with whom I loved.  But to say it to a girlfriend or a guy friend had never crossed my mind.  The feeling is there for those other special people but why does it seem more difficult to say those words to them?  If you were lying on your death bed and your best friends were there at your side I bet those words would come out easily!  This has been on my mind a lot because my best friend Amy V. is the one who spoke those words to me first many months ago and I have since pondered the lasting effects they have carried in not only my heart but in my thoughts toward those other important people in my life.  I have struggled first with just replying back to her, it is coming easier but now I am thinking how do I take this and spread the goodness.  After all if we all spoke how we felt with each other honestly, if we all said those words, wouldn’t it feel better knowing they knew just in case something happened and tomorrow you or they were no longer here.  And then there is the fact that just the act of speaking those words make you feel better, I believe we are here to love so why not say it?

Love is the primary force of our existence, without love there is no happiness.  When you love your family, your job, your life or any other thing it brings you joy and you are happy.  When others love you it brings you joy, makes you feel wanted, makes you feel connected.  The saddest part of this equation is knowing that there are people out there who can’t even say “I love you” to any one in their lives.  I believe this is usually passed down through the generations and they may not have ever felt love because they never received it. So here I am today in love.  Just loving everyone and sending love to all of you, sort of like the “Hug” guy from several years back.  I love my family, my friends, my home, my Deisel and my life.  I love people….all people and that includes you…with more love in this world life has to be better don’t you think?  Take the time right now to tell someone you love them, not just those who are easy to say it to but say it to someone who might be surprised.  Do that and I bet you will feel a little flutter you didn’t know was possible right there in the center of your chest…

Last weekend I spent three days with my family down in Florida and it was by far one of the best visits I have had in years.  I spent a lot of time outdoors kayaking and boating with my sister and her boyfriend but also had some quality time with my mother.  With the recent passing of my step father and the past several years of his failing health, the last being the absolute worst, it was the first time I have been home and seen my mother calm and relaxed.  She had no plans, no where to be, nothing to do and wanted to spend time with me although if any wave of sadness came over her she was done visiting and headed home.  I have missed my mother dearly over the years, her deep love and devotion to my step father was her somewhat codependent focus in life and was what she lived for.  Living two states away and only getting home a few times a year limits the time I have to spend with family (I was the only one who moved from the nest) and talking on the phone is the best way we have to stay in touch.  These day’s mom appears a bit lost and at times she is filled with sadness, emptiness and loneliness.  I have often wondered what is worse, loving someone for 20+ years, losing them and dealing with the looniness that comes with living as two and suddenly becoming one, or growing old alone as an individual and feeling a sense of loneliness from time to time.  Not to beat a dead horse here, I do realize I just did a recent post on loneliness.  That is not what this post is about!

The past few times I have been home I have seen a big change in both of my parents and I guess I am seeing it in me as much as I don’t want to admit it.  Age is creeping in and is becoming more apparent than ever.  It’s weird how it is continuously happening but one day you somehow see it in a different light and it floors you. You notice the wrinkles on your parents face and see the changes in their bodies.  You realize they are not as invincible as they once were and see there ability is not as strong as you remembered.  You see they are weaker than before and you begin to want to protect and take care of them.   You realize that someday you will be in that place and face the reality that we do not have forever and that each day is one day less that you have to do, to be and to make a difference.  Within myself I have been aware of the aging process a lot the past two years and am trying to make the most of my time left.  I am unsure of what men feel but as a woman it is difficult to see the body change and to see the wrinkles appear.  You start to realize men no longer look your way because there is always a younger more beautiful face in the room, you miss the attention…perhaps that is my own insecurity for a later post and I should move on here.

Lately the strangest thing I have noticed is that each time I see my mother I see more and more of my grannie within her  Her features, the way her lips move when she talks, her stance.  Her mannerisms, her determination, her stubbornness and how when she wants to do something she wants to do it and if she wants to do it her way she will not allow anyone to tell her what to do.  But most of all her unlimited ability to love, to accept and to give to others just as grannie did.  She is a strong woman with deep convictions for what she wants yet a frail person filled with tenderness. At times she closes herself off and just wants to be alone.

With this visit I could see that she is still not ready to talk about my step dad and is careful in conversation to not bring up his name, when she does she tears up.  I felt a sense of her needing to get out of the house to get away from the constant reminder he is gone.  She did not really care to have me over, we met out at my sisters and other places.  I can see she is still not at the point of wanting to go through his personal things.  I get the sense she has closed off some rooms in the house, has tucked some things away so not to see them every day and she just is not ready to deal with the realization of his death.  That is just the way mom is, as far as I know she still has not visited my grannies grave site and that has been two years, she says it is just too hard, says grannie knows she loves her and she misses her.  We all grieve in our own way and can not judge other’s with how they may deal with death.

I know my mother as I am sure she knew hers and as she slowly begins to look like granny I wonder if I am slowly starting to look like mom.  I assume she deals with things much like I do as we are from the same core.  If so I think she is going to need time to find herself before she can face the actual act of letting my step dad go.  If so she will close off that part of her for a while because it is too painful, not wanting to see his things or be reminded in any other way that he is gone because just the emptiness of her bed and the loss of his presence is almost too much right now.  I don’t bring him up unless she does, I don’t ask questions or say anything that may remind her because I can’t stand to see tears in my mother’s eyes.  It seems so strange that through our parents, (if we are lucky enough to have a good relationship with them and if they are still around), we start to see so much of them in ourselves the older we get.  My grannie was one of the most beautiful people I have ever met.  She was full of life, strong willed, loving, giving and although she was this tiny frail little woman her spirit was as big as they come.  My mother is no different and I am so glad I have been blessed with the same genes.

At times it saddens me that I never had children and that the power of seeing all these beautiful changes in life will end with me, my hope is maybe someone out there will see within me the beauty of life that both my grannie and mother gave to me.  I guess in a way that is why I write and why I share with strangers hoping that someone out there will feel something in a world of numbness….life is about feeling, loving and giving something back, not the material things that you have.

I do hope someone reads these post and gets something out of them.