Thinking Diva

I started this blog years ago to share in hopes of helping people.  I have not figured out as of yet how to really get it out there and feel it touches very few people but still, I am here.  Although I often open myself up and share pretty deeply, there are things we all keep to our selves.  Things that no one, not even our closest friends or loved ones know of or quite possibly would even be able to understand.  I have posted things from my heart that people said I should not put out there because of what others would think.  I have said things that some believed I should remove because it would make others think of me in an undesirable way.  I have shared my thoughts and people have stated they thought I might need to seek professional help.  At the same time these things have gained praise, compassion and gratitude by others who’s emails have made me feel I am doing the right thing.  The truth is no matter what I share there will always be judgment of some kind.  As humans it is what we do and it is expected.  Although there are places I will not allow myself to share openly here, I feel there is some reason that little voice in my head keeps telling me to post what I am experiencing.

I believe that some people truly need help, that in-balance exist and that often prescribed drugs need to be taken.  I believe my high’s and lows are natural, that life is not always an upward plane and that at times we have to feel, to be humbled and to experience life.  If we are feeling pain yet know in our thoughts that it is supposed to be that way because that is the course of life I think we can keep things on track once we have the experience, regain our focus and then allow ourselves to move forward knowing it all leads to a better place.  I don’t want to hide, I don’t need to take some pharmaceutical drug a doctor thinks I need and I know that a bottle or recreational drug is not going to keep any painful thoughts from being experienced.  Numbing the experience is not going to make me a healthier person.  Life is our own journey, we set our path with each choice we make, we allow ourselves to place meaning on everything that comes into play and our thoughts determine our next move.  That being said no matter what, we are all going to hurt at times, we are all going to feel sad and sometimes…lost. We all experience health issues, break ups, broken hearts, broken friendships, losses and death.  At the same time if we look deeply into each of these things as they happen and allow ourselves to feel the hurt yet see what was also good in the experience we will eventually grow as an individual.  It is why people who have lost loved ones to tragedy often find a way to help others in need.  That those sad or seemingly negative experiences often lead to very uplifting and motivational publications, movies, businesses and organizations.  It is often what it takes in our lives to trigger something that helps us discover our purpose.

With all that was said above are you wondering what this post is actually about?  Well, I can’t say there is any one thing and although I honestly feel very happy with where I am in life for some reason at times I just feel a bit like a roller coaster (and I am getting really tired of some of you women blaming it on “THE CHANGE”).  This is life and lately my lower points happen when I see or remember something that reminds me of Todd.  I have never experienced the death of someone I have been intimate with, that I truly and deeply loved and that I feared would die because of their life style yet never believing it would actually happen.  Life is strange that way. I go through stages when it comes to Todd and lately he has been on my mind a lot.  I am wondering if maybe there are years of  emotional stages you go through when death has come in a tragic manner.  I think of him when I grab the remote, when I hear certain songs, drive by a certain place…there are things everywhere that make me think of him and not a single day goes by where he doesn’t filter through my mind.  Recently a friend gave me a jacket they had that was Todd’s, I went through all the pockets hoping I would find something he might have left, that he might have touched.  I didn’t want to but needed to wash it because it was extremely dirty, as I pulled it out of the dryer I couldn’t’ help but wonder what he had done the last time he wore it as tears fell down my cheeks.   I have been considering contacting some local establishments that deal with helping people who suffer from alcohol and drug addictions to offer my experiences with Todd and the reality of what can happen.  It would be a very difficult thing for me to do in person but I feel driven in some way to move in that direction.  Right now I am allowing my life to move forward on the ideas that come to mind and what I feel in my gut, this is one of them but I have yet to take action.

Several weeks ago I had a discussion about religion with a person I have not known for very long, we talked about Todd and some of the circumstances leading up to his death.  This person began to tell me in a polite yet Godly way that Todd more likely was not in Heaven, that he was in hell because of the sinful things he had done.  Now before I go on I will say that Religion and Politics are two things I don’t openly care to share or discuss, I feel we are all entitled to our choice in these areas and that judgment lies deeper in these two areas than any others.  That being said I have always admitted openly that I do believe in God and I am a spiritual person.  When this person made that statement it not only bothered me but it disturbed me.  I told the person they were entitled to their belief but I choose to believe differently and then ended the discussion.  I choose to believe that God does not punish, he loves, he forgives and he understands that as humans some of us are weaker than others.  It is not my place to judge other peoples actions, choices or where they end up, I don’t need to waist the energy on judgment of others I can only worry about my own actions.  I do have a choice in my thinking and what I choose to believe when it comes to Todd.  Todd was a wonderful loving person who also suffered from many painful things he could not overcome.  It has bothered me for several weeks now but in MY heart and mind Todd is in heaven and I know he will be there with a big grin on his face when it is my time to go.  I am not sure why I wanted to share that but I did want to get it off my chest and this seemed like the place to do it.

I realize this blog is a bit scattered in thought with this post but that is ok.  I am not trying to write a book, say something that will get me praise or earn friendships. I am just sharing and that isn’t something that should be proofread and edited a million times in hopes of pleasing everyone.  I love who I am, I love what I do, I love my family and friends and I feel very confident in my skin…I recently celebrated a birthday and I love that another year has allowed me to grow into the person I am right here…right now!  Love, love, love I can’t say the word enough, sending love out to all of you until next time!

I slept in today and that is not something that happens often.  I actually was awake but couldn’t (for some reason) bring myself to want to get out of bed.  Today is Valentines Day and all week leading up to today I have read post, received emails and talked to friends who were dreading the day’s arrival.   “Love Stinks” parties and “Single Valentines” events for those sad souls who are without a partner.  Those who are in relationships complaining how the hype makes the holiday expensive with limited restaurant menu’s and expensive price tags.  All this stress over a day focusing on “LOVE”.   Why  do we really need a day to remind us to be grateful and celebrate the one or one’s we love.  Everyday we should be showing love and for a day that was created for the sake of love it seems so many are stressed out and wanting it to pass as quickly as possible.

I am happy today, my dad’s birthday was yesterday, this week several of my friends are celebrating their b-days and I have wonderful people I love in my life.  Today I started my day with a kiss and a hug to my big white pink eared dog and a call to my mom to say happy “V” day and “I love you”.  Sure, it would be great to have someone special to celebrate the occasion with and in time I will be in that place but I won’t need a “specific” day to remind me show love to that special someone, it will be shown everyday.

So I have to admit although I have been happy all week, grateful for the busy work week and looking forward to a little quiet relaxation time I have felt a little off.  I have been aware of it but not sure what it was about.  I avoided people all weekend and enjoyed spending time at home alone watching cheesy movies about falling in love.  I often with draw, I enjoy being alone at times, I am not feeling depressed in any way so although I am not feeling sociable I feel happy overall.  Perhaps I feel a little off because I am trying to use less sugar in my diet and have felt a little out of sorts over the experience and the failures at times.  I though it was the reason I was feeling restless all week and having a hard time focusing.

As I become a healthier person in mind, body and spirit I am learning that often things trigger past events in our lives.  That no matter how positive or happy we are there will always be times of reflection that might feel painful yet need to be experienced.  I believe these events happen because we need to be reminded of who we are, where we have been and by believing that happiness lies with in our own minds we keep moving forward.  These events are reminders for us to see the beauty in all things, good or bad, and to live life feeling and growing rather than being numb to the process.  More often than not if we keep a positive mind set and believe these events are there to help us grow we will see something beautiful on the other side from the experience.  Individually, for each of us this is our very own road of life, we make the decisions where and when to turn so we must live with where ever we end up!  I choose to be happy no matter where I land.

The truth is that Todd has been on my mind a lot this week and I think maybe Valentines is the trigger.  I have had some dreams of him, I have been missing him and I am sad that he is gone.  I never watch tv and this week found myself watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab, connecting so much with what was happening in the episode especially with the drama. For those of you who are new to my post, Todd passed away a year and a half ago of a drug overdose.  I dated him for two years prior and was unaware of his issues, after a year of dating and then moving in together I realized he had an addiction.  I tried to get him help and eventually had to break up with him because I could no longer handle his addiction.  It was a tough decision because I loved him dearly but I could no longer deal with the events that the drug and alcohol addiction had created in our lives, he died eight month later.  I have never been into drugs, I don’t even like to take aspirin and other than drinking alcohol on occasion I prefer to feel in control of my body, my mind and my actions.  I am very nieve to the habits and characteristics drugs create because I have no knowledge of what they do internally nor how they make you feel.  Now days everyone seems to be taking pharmaceutical drugs….personally I think these might be worse than any of the ones I knew about when I was younger.  The bottom line is that losing someone you love is tough especially when it is sudden and unexpected, it takes time to heal and although it gets easier over time things do resurface.  You do repeat the grieving process and remember the person who is no longer living.

Todd has been on my mind, although I have been happy this week there has been a slight unknowing sadness or feeling of being off.  I realized this morning while lying in bed that three years ago Todd had given me a beautiful saffire ring (not an engagement ring) for valentines, it was one of the most memorable and happy valentines I can remember ever having.

So here I am not sure why I am writing today but wanting to say something to lift my spirits and yours, at least those of you who may be feeling a bit down on this day of recognizing “LOVE”.  What I can say is this…I am ever so grateful that even though Todd has passed I had the opportunity to love him, to be loved by him knowing he loved me the best he could in light of his addiction and realizing that in life there are no guarantees.  We must remember to show our love to all those who are important to us, lovers, friends, family and even strangers.  Life is a constant learning platform with up’s and downs.  At times things may not seem fair, bad things do happen but the ability to think positive even when you might not be feeling it will make all the difference in your life and in being happy.

Love comes in many forms, kindness is the greatest and it is within all of us, it is free and always available to give. Today I am grateful for every single thing in my life.  Thinking of all those unfortunate people in Haiti and what they are having to endure makes me that much more grateful and makes me want to give more because I have the ability to do so.  Today I celebrate “Valentine Day” buy saying to all of you…those I know and those I do not, “I love you” for being who you are, for reading this and for being in my life.  Sending love out to everyone….until next time!  SMOOCH!!!!

It is strange how your body feels when your heart  is really let down.  The thoughts of what was race through your mind along with what could have been, your heart aches and you don’t even think about food.  There is a strange emptiness within, a bit of a lost feeling and a loneliness.  Days go by and you go through the motions mostly wanting to crawl into bed and sleep only so you will forget how bad you hurt.  You hide out not wanting to see or talk to people and if you do go out it doesn’t take away the hurt , it only covers it up for a bit. The hardest part is getting your mind to stop and to refocus in a forward direction, never allowing yourself to feel anger or self pity.

I had a very long post prepared from my Thanksgiving week planned to go here but I have put it on hold for a bit.  This is so that I can move forward.  I started this blog to share my experiences in order to help others, so many times it has come back around and taught me about myself while helping, I think I am sharing today hoping to get comments that will help me so please feel free to email me if you have something to say.

My life over the past few months had taken a turn and was amazingly happy, fun and different.  It was a world wind, something I wanted and something I needed.  Although I wanted to go slow it had a mind of its own.  The ride was wonderful but it did not last for reasons that right now really don’t matter. Standing where I am and always looking at things with an open mind I can say I have learned more about me than anything. This was the first time in my life I allowed myself to experience each moment with out judgment but being completely aware of what my gut was telling me. Right now it is a disappointment only because of the fun and happiness I experienced that is no longer there, the reality of the situation was there in my gut a while back. I am proud that all the work I have done over the past few years gave me that awareness, prepared me and is giving me strength to deal with it in a positive manner.

What I have learned over these few months is that being open with someone needs to be done slowly.  Most people will say things when you first get to know them wanting so badly to make a good impression and I believe that is a natural part of human nature.  I am a very honest and open person and I think it is difficult for some to understand or to sometimes take that side of me.  If you feel a certain way because of something someone says I believe you have the option to allow it to effect you the way you choose.  There can not be blame in others words because we have the ability to think what we want. Most of all I have learned that there are no guarantees.  We can choose to be cautious and hold our self back from experiencing things due to fear or we can choose to take a chance and enjoy what ever comes knowing in a moment things could change.  I will always choose taking a chance but I also choose to always be myself and never loose that part of me while in a relationship. A good relationship is not always saying or doing what the other expects from you, it is the joining of two different people and when there are uncomfortable situations you discuss them.  If there is no discussion and you hold them in you allow that to manifest and nothing good ever comes from manifesting negative feelings. Communication and honesty is always the best method for getting to know someone and knowing if you are compatible.

Regardless of this feeling I am experiencing right now I know these things about myself and my beliefs.  I am a good person and I have a lot of love in my heart for others.  I have a lot of energy, I have a hard time sitting still especially watching tv and I don’t need a lot of sleep, I realize this is hard for some to take.   I like to learn, I like to see things, I love being creative and I enjoy music.  I enjoy being healthy through exercise and food.  I believe food in excess and drinking has become a vital part of socialization with in our culture.   With drinking weather it is “full on party time” or “just a few drinks a day” it is still allowing something to numb your awareness through comfort.   I can take it or leave it and it doesn’t need to be a part of my daily routine although I do enjoy it from time to time.  My being is not defined through others it comes from with in and it grows and improves from both positive and negative experiences and how I allow them to affect me.  I choose being positive no matter what, never blaming because I always have a choice.   When I hurt I want to allow myself to feel it knowing that my spirit is teaching me something about myself.  I believe there is something positive to be learned in every situation.  Most of all I know that everything is happening just as it should and with that alone I can move forward.  Though I am feeling a bit down there is a smile right around the corner. I will not allow myself to manifest a bad attitude, my sadness will be brief because I know there are so many more wonderful and beautiful things ahead that I still need to experience.

I will close by saying that I truly believe I am feeling good in this moment about my self and my situation because I have learned to love who I am.  Because of that I will focus on my thoughts, they will be directed on myself and my healing while overcoming this whirlwind.  Life is so sweet and has so many amazing things to offer.  I am grateful for all that I have, especially my wonderful parents, friends and the big eared white dog who is and always my little angel.

My next post will be my experience of change over the Thanksgiving week and will come soon.  Right now I am healing my heart and I am doing good.  Sending love out to all of you…thank you for reading!

He was a very big part of my life. He was a lover, a companion, a roommate and a best friend. Todd Garrett I will always love you and I will only remember the good things. RIP