Apr 17 2010

Hoping for a life changing moment, reflecting on past memories = self indulged confusion?

I have to admit something is going on.  I am unsure of what it is but I can feel something deep inside that I can’t explain.  Over the past few years I have studied metaphysics a little and read numerous self-help books.  I have been on a spiritual search and feel I have come to an awakening of sorts but I still feel there is some little something still missing, I can’t put my finger on it and I have no idea what it is but I feel it is there.  Does any of that make sense to any one else?  I have been in Nashville now for almost 9 years and have hoped that in that amount of time I would burry my past, re-invent who I am and become an amazing new persona that could change the world.  Perhaps a little corny to the masses but I have always been a dreamer.  I think I have always hoped that I could be one of those people who had that instant life changing moment that would remold me into someone different, full of meaning, confidence and insight, someone who made a difference, someone you read about or see in some documentary on tv.  I have always thought that those things happened in a flash and one day you are just different.

This past week I was re-united with some old high school friends through facebook after I was tagged in some pictures posted from around 1981-1983. For some reason it has stirred up a lot of emotions and some realities I have not thought of before or perhaps they were just buried.  When I look at those people of my past and see where they are now, all of their lives seem to be centered around family, kids and their significant other. As I have said before, for the first time in my life I feel really comfortable with who I am and with not being in a relationship.  Yet, this week I am feeling like I have fallen short because I have no responsibility other than making sure I pay my bills each month.  I have no other obligations, no one to worry about, no where to be, no one who wonders where I am if I don’t come home (other than the big white pink eared dog).  All of a sudden it feels so strange to me and I have to admit I feel a little out of sorts.  I feel so free and content yet at the same time that I missed out on life’s true gift…that of giving life, a family, being a mom, giving my life to someone else rather than just focusing on myself.

Last night I pulled my old year books out wanting to see a picture of someone I heard had passed away, I knew the name but needed to connect a face.  I found myself engulfed in those books for an hour, looking at all the pictures and reading all the notes my friends had left in between each page.  The strangest part of the hour was knowing it was me back then but not really recognizing that person any more.   I read my senior yearbook post and it said that I hoped to be happily married “someday”, to have a successful career and to make my parents proud.  As I sat there a little teary eyed I realized how much we make words take on meaning that society has buttered us up into believing is the only way we will be happy.  I had a marriage and although I am sure it was happy in the beginning it was not in the end and it has made me wonder if I will ever cross that bridge again.  I know my career has been successful but where I stand right now I feel it is in need of some huge changes due to technology shifts and I am questioning everything in regards to what I am truly supposed to be doing.  I do feel like I have made my parents proud but at the same time I believe they were always proud of me so in a sense that was just an empty statement a 17 year old thinks when faced with the reality of adulthood.

I have felt lately I am floundering around like a fish out of water, even writing this feeling like there is really no direction just hoping something will shift in an instant, that a light bulb will go off and in that moment I will be a different person.  Even with self love and spirit how come I am not complete?  How can I love “ME” yet feel I am still looking for a purpose, I don’t want to call it career but I know what we do with our time holds as much importance as loving ourselves and believing in God or what ever you want to name it.  My idea of the person I want to be is someone who gives something back to the world in a way that truly makes a difference.  The person I feel like I am is invisible.  I think this goes back to the way we put meaning to things, the way we beat ourselves up at times.  The weirdest part of this whole thing is that I love “ME” right now, I do feel comfortable in my skin, with my spirituality and my relationship with God.  So if I have that knowing I never had that comfort in my past why does it still feel as if I am still falling short?

So many questions, so much more in this life to learn and wanting so badly to understand it all.  Sitting here this morning as I write, I am enjoying the gentle breeze coming through the window.  I can hear a flurry of birds, many different kinds in the distance chattering amongst themselves.  I can hear the neighbor talking baby talk to their little one as she speaks back in some strange language only a parent would understand.  Someone just cranked up some music, I think it is Tracy Chapman as I recognize the melody yet I can’t make out the song.  Such simple things yet all of them make me feel better.  In this exact moment of my self indulged confusion I feel a little relief just from the sounds softly filtering in, the perfect temperature, the sun, the blue sky.  Although it is not completely quiet I think this is what quiet is supposed to be.  Today no matter what my state of mind, or perhaps confusion I think I will spend my day alone out in my yard just being, enjoying the spring weather, doing a few chores and thinking about my life.  I am sure another post will come from this and my hope is that it will be insightful.  If not for you at least for me.  Have a wonderful weekend everyone, sending love and thank you for reading!  SMOOCH!!!!

6 comments   |  tags: blog, blogging, discovery, enlightenment, finding-happiness, growth, lack, life, looking-back, self, self love, self-discovery, self-reflection, sheri oneal, thinking diva | posted in life

Apr 12 2010

Here is my life defining list….what does your’s look like?

I had the chance to spend some time with friends celebrating the arrival of spring but I opted to spend some alone time reflecting, enjoying time with the big white pink eared dog and loving the beautiful weather.  I began to think about my past life and the defining life moments that have occurred that have molded me into who I am.  I thought it might be therapeutic to write the list in order to feel the full release and to define each individually.

This is my life defining list:
  1. Not staying in the car one time when I should have around the age of 4, I can’t explain the circumstances but Dad was pretty mad, that is what I remember most.  I guess this was all about right and wrong, obeying and disobeying.  It is too bad that the earliest moment I have is this unpleasant one but sometimes we don’t have a choice in the matter.
  2. Watching my dog Buffy die before my eyes after getting hit by a car at the age of 6 when an elderly man drove down the wrong dirt road looking for a friends house. To this day I feel sad thinking about what he must have felt watching a little girl scream hysterically trying to hold her dog as it died.  I am certain it hurt him more that it did me and that he probably re-lived that moment of sadness many times over.  I got another puppy a few weeks later and learned about life, death and how sometimes things can happen unexpectedly.
  3. Freezing up during cheerleading try outs my freshman year of high school.  I didn’t want to be a cheerleader but mom had hoped it for me, stage fright caused my mind to go blank and I just stood there embarrassed.  That episode drove me to take speech classes which eventually led me to a teaching degree in hopes of overcoming my fear of being in front of people.  When I moved to Nashville I helped host a writers night and made myself perform my music on stage thinking it would get easier in time.  To this day I have a tendency to go blank when I am extremely nervous and stage freight has never gone away for me, it is just as bad as it was way back when.  What I have realized is that it happens when I am singing or doing something I am uncomfortable with, I can stand in front of a room and talk photography all day with no fear.
  4. The last day I visited my grandma Pearl in the hospital before she died and coming back the next day not knowing she had passed only to find an empty bed.  She was one of the most amazing role models in my early life and I know there is a lot of her in me to this day.  At the age of 17 this was the first time I ever lost someone really close to me and it was huge.  I realized how fragile life is, what it felt like to loose someone close and that we have to cherish the time we have with those we love.  She often comes to mind when things happen that she warned me about back when I was too young to understand what she was saying to me as a child.  She was an amazingly wise woman and I know I still carry a part of her with me.
  5. Watching a best girlfriend slip out the bedroom window of a man I was in love with when I was 20. Packing my life on a whim and moving from the small town of Ocala, Florida to Atlanta, Georgia with a broken heart, broken spirit and not knowing a single person…one of the biggest life lessons and choices of my early adult life. The lesson on trust and love still resonates in me, the courage I found to change my life most definitely showed me how strong and independent I am as a woman.  This is where I changed from a girl to a woman!  I also learned to be forgiving with boundaries.
  6. My first year away from home at the age of 21 in a big city learning how to find work, to support myself, to make new friends and being over 600 miles away from my family for the first time in my life.  It was a huge life change, it was my initiation into adulthood and I became completely independent from my family for the first time.
  7. Moving back to Florida after being laid off from an amazing job in the photography industry and having a falling out with my roommate.  Experiencing broken dreams, finding myself homesick and starting my life over a second time within a year.  It was six months later when I met the man I would later call my husband.
  8. My wedding day, one of the most moving and emotional days of my life.  Even though we are no longer together it was the most amazing day of happiness AND stress I have ever experienced.
  9. After 9 years in the photography business, signing my first lease and opening my first photography studio.  It was one of the scariest yet most rewarding years I have ever had and I became a self employed business woman!
  10. The day I had my aha moment and realized I didn’t deserve to be verbally abused any more, it would lead me to closing my studio, getting divorced, packing everything I owned and walking away from the life I had known.  That time in my life showed me I had more courage than I ever thought existed and it would bring me to Nashville where I knew no one. It allowed me to re-invent who I wanted to be as a mature 35 year old adult.  It was the best life change to date and I have become happier and more content with who I am now than ever before in my past.
  11. Losing my grandma Seiler and attending her funeral.  She was another amazingly vibrant woman in my life and I feel so fortunate to have had her as a grandmother.  At the funeral I was brought back together and re-connected to my extended family who had been estranged due to a family feud more than 20 years prior.  Grannie Seiler had said to me once that she hated the fact that it would take her death to bring everyone back together, it is something she prayed for yet had the wisdom to know how it would play out.  It is sad that it takes a death to re-connect loved ones who are related to each other yet humbling that time can dissolve inner turmoil.  It is also sad that a death can also separate families due to selfishness and greed rather than love and compassion.  All of these experiences and emotions have made me a stronger more forgiving and loving person.
  12. Hearing the news that one of my early photography mentors had committed suicide and experiencing his loss.  He had visited me a few weeks before when passing through Nashville.  He had been dealing with the after math of a heart by-pass, had always suffered from severe depression and seemed to just want to talk that night.  I remember making him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sitting there watching him eat while he told me in his own way how proud he was of me.  He had watched me grow from a young 23 year old with no self confidence into a 40 year old successful business woman full of life.  This event taught me the seriousness of depression and how even if you give and show love to them they still feel alone and sad.  It also showed me how powerful the internet has become in our lives.  I posted a note on the back end of my myspace page about my memories, love and compassion for Rusty and it ranked in the top 5 google search for his name.  People who knew him from all over the country began contacting me about him and the words I posted.  His sister was so touched she read my words at the funeral with out my knowing she would do so.  I learned how easy it is to share with people in this day and age just by posting your thoughts and putting them out there.
  13. The choice I made to break up with a man I was deeply in love with because his drug and alcohol addiction was so bad I felt I could no longer do anything to help, I was feeling as if my emotional state was failing and that I had no other choice but to let him go.  Eight months later I would take the police to his home where they would find him dead of an overdose after being missing for 4 days.  I am still learning from this one, if you have read previous blogs you can see the struggles.  The biggest lesson is that substance abuse is serious, it is an awful thing to watch someone suffer with and there comes a point where you have to let them go if they don’t have the desire to help themselves hoping they will find the strength to do so.  It doesn’t get better with your showing that person more love, giving ultimatums or showing them anger.  They want to get better but often don’t have the strength to get outside help, they experience sadness, guilt and self hatred yet continue because at a certain point they no longer have control over the substance and/or they just don’t care.  They have to want to change you can’t make them change.  The toughest part of this life changing moment is that I set him free hoping it would help and often wonder could I have done more because the result was devastating.
These things are what resonate in me right now as my most pivotal life changing moments to date, why they ended on 13 I am not sure and definitely NOT superstitious.  I have omitted a few because they are too personal to share.  I know life is ever changing and there will be many more that lie ahead.  As I look back over this list I can see from an outsiders prospective it must look a little depressing because there seems to be many moments centered around death, break-ups and unhappy events.  All I can say is that maybe we get the most out of life during the worst of times because we have no other choice but to face the winds of change.  Perhaps it is with in those times that we have more strength and more courage than we ever thought we had because we feel we have no other choice. We begin to move in an uncomfortable forward direction taking each day as it comes because that is the only option that we have.  It is at those times that we need to be aware, where we end up will be based on our attitude. If we believe that life will get better and that we want something better we will start to do things from a positive place that will bring those positive things into our lives, if we believe life sucks then it will.
What does your list look like, maybe if you take the time right now to reflect you will learn more about how much you have grown as a person than you ever realized.  Writing my list down felt like a release, it reminded me how strong of a woman I really am because of the choices I made and where they took me.  It also reminded me how spiritual I have become and how important it is for me to pray and to be grateful.  The most important thing to remember is that we must be patient, that things will happen as they should and we need to feel these things as they happen no matter how painful or liberating.  Life is a journey through a kitchen of flavors…the best ones are those that are savored slowly and with love.  I plan to make mine as succulent and juicy as I possibly can, being patient knowing how good each bite will be makes it worth the wait!   Mmmm I’m hungry, how about you?

3 comments   |  tags: discovery, drugs, enlightenment, gratitude, growth, hurt, life, looking-back, loss, self, self-discovery, self-reflection | posted in life

Feb 14 2010

Feeling a little off on this “V” day but sending love…

I slept in today and that is not something that happens often.  I actually was awake but couldn’t (for some reason) bring myself to want to get out of bed.  Today is Valentines Day and all week leading up to today I have read post, received emails and talked to friends who were dreading the day’s arrival.   “Love Stinks” parties and “Single Valentines” events for those sad souls who are without a partner.  Those who are in relationships complaining how the hype makes the holiday expensive with limited restaurant menu’s and expensive price tags.  All this stress over a day focusing on “LOVE”.   Why  do we really need a day to remind us to be grateful and celebrate the one or one’s we love.  Everyday we should be showing love and for a day that was created for the sake of love it seems so many are stressed out and wanting it to pass as quickly as possible.

I am happy today, my dad’s birthday was yesterday, this week several of my friends are celebrating their b-days and I have wonderful people I love in my life.  Today I started my day with a kiss and a hug to my big white pink eared dog and a call to my mom to say happy “V” day and “I love you”.  Sure, it would be great to have someone special to celebrate the occasion with and in time I will be in that place but I won’t need a “specific” day to remind me show love to that special someone, it will be shown everyday.

So I have to admit although I have been happy all week, grateful for the busy work week and looking forward to a little quiet relaxation time I have felt a little off.  I have been aware of it but not sure what it was about.  I avoided people all weekend and enjoyed spending time at home alone watching cheesy movies about falling in love.  I often with draw, I enjoy being alone at times, I am not feeling depressed in any way so although I am not feeling sociable I feel happy overall.  Perhaps I feel a little off because I am trying to use less sugar in my diet and have felt a little out of sorts over the experience and the failures at times.  I though it was the reason I was feeling restless all week and having a hard time focusing.

As I become a healthier person in mind, body and spirit I am learning that often things trigger past events in our lives.  That no matter how positive or happy we are there will always be times of reflection that might feel painful yet need to be experienced.  I believe these events happen because we need to be reminded of who we are, where we have been and by believing that happiness lies with in our own minds we keep moving forward.  These events are reminders for us to see the beauty in all things, good or bad, and to live life feeling and growing rather than being numb to the process.  More often than not if we keep a positive mind set and believe these events are there to help us grow we will see something beautiful on the other side from the experience.  Individually, for each of us this is our very own road of life, we make the decisions where and when to turn so we must live with where ever we end up!  I choose to be happy no matter where I land.

The truth is that Todd has been on my mind a lot this week and I think maybe Valentines is the trigger.  I have had some dreams of him, I have been missing him and I am sad that he is gone.  I never watch tv and this week found myself watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab, connecting so much with what was happening in the episode especially with the drama. For those of you who are new to my post, Todd passed away a year and a half ago of a drug overdose.  I dated him for two years prior and was unaware of his issues, after a year of dating and then moving in together I realized he had an addiction.  I tried to get him help and eventually had to break up with him because I could no longer handle his addiction.  It was a tough decision because I loved him dearly but I could no longer deal with the events that the drug and alcohol addiction had created in our lives, he died eight month later.  I have never been into drugs, I don’t even like to take aspirin and other than drinking alcohol on occasion I prefer to feel in control of my body, my mind and my actions.  I am very nieve to the habits and characteristics drugs create because I have no knowledge of what they do internally nor how they make you feel.  Now days everyone seems to be taking pharmaceutical drugs….personally I think these might be worse than any of the ones I knew about when I was younger.  The bottom line is that losing someone you love is tough especially when it is sudden and unexpected, it takes time to heal and although it gets easier over time things do resurface.  You do repeat the grieving process and remember the person who is no longer living.

Todd has been on my mind, although I have been happy this week there has been a slight unknowing sadness or feeling of being off.  I realized this morning while lying in bed that three years ago Todd had given me a beautiful saffire ring (not an engagement ring) for valentines, it was one of the most memorable and happy valentines I can remember ever having.

So here I am not sure why I am writing today but wanting to say something to lift my spirits and yours, at least those of you who may be feeling a bit down on this day of recognizing “LOVE”.  What I can say is this…I am ever so grateful that even though Todd has passed I had the opportunity to love him, to be loved by him knowing he loved me the best he could in light of his addiction and realizing that in life there are no guarantees.  We must remember to show our love to all those who are important to us, lovers, friends, family and even strangers.  Life is a constant learning platform with up’s and downs.  At times things may not seem fair, bad things do happen but the ability to think positive even when you might not be feeling it will make all the difference in your life and in being happy.

Love comes in many forms, kindness is the greatest and it is within all of us, it is free and always available to give. Today I am grateful for every single thing in my life.  Thinking of all those unfortunate people in Haiti and what they are having to endure makes me that much more grateful and makes me want to give more because I have the ability to do so.  Today I celebrate “Valentine Day” buy saying to all of you…those I know and those I do not, “I love you” for being who you are, for reading this and for being in my life.  Sending love out to everyone….until next time!  SMOOCH!!!!

no comments   |  tags: addiction, being single, dating, discovery, drugs, enlightenment, finding-happiness, growth, life, looking-back, loss, lost-love, love, relationships, romance-relationships, self-discovery, self-reflection, Valentines Day | posted in life, love

Jan 2 2010

2010 has arrived…my list of discoveries!

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!

no comments   |  tags: dating, discovery, enlightenment, finding-happiness, goals, gratitude, growth, life, looking-back, love, men, plans, plans-hope, relationships, resolutions, romance-relationships, self, self-discovery, self-reflection | posted in Sharing

Sep 9 2009

Perhaps this is all God’s way of shaking things up…

The past month and a half has flown by.  I have hardly been able to catch my breath, not because I have been blessed with tons of work-unfortunately, but because I have made up my mind to work as hard as I can on my passion-photography, writing and art when time allows.  I have been prepping the art room, ordering supplies and searching for items and ideas so that I can get my work out there.  My energy was up and running, I was doing great and then last week I hit a wall.

I suddenly realized that keeping your spirit high is difficult when your family members are struggling.  It is weird, almost as if I feel their pain through me even though I am miles away and only connected by daily phone calls.  I find so many things going on in my life strange right now, like the fact that I had to put my pup down last October and my sister has put 2 down this year and at least 4 friends have had to do the same.  Weird that my Dad is getting married on the day of  Todd’s B-day, that Todd passed 7 days after my dog was put to sleep on the b-day of my close friend I was with the night he died. Sad that my step father passed only a few months later, that my nephew got married the week or two before my step fathers death and his wife is expecting a baby.  It seems odd that my new pups b-day is the same date as my ex before Todd. That I let my studio go in February, my friend broke up with his GF, sold his condo and moved in with me the week after.  He got laid off, his boss died right after the downsize then lost his next job only to find himself wanting more from life, traveling abroad to Italy for a month alone hoping to find himself and realizing that the search had only begun.  I recently found out that my old friend and studio partner had a heart attack a few months ago at 49 (she is alive and doing better), what is strange is it happened around the same time I posted about my bad dream in a blog here….that dream-blog just so happen to be about her.  Other people close to me are breaking up, having weird things happen and also facing really big changes…it all just makes my head spin and is often just too much to comprehend.  I have never had so many things happen in less than a year and these are just the things directly associated to me. I don’t want to read into anything but isn’t it strange the quiencidence of all the dates when there are so many days in a year?  What about all those notable people in the media that have died this year…Farrah, MJ, DJ AM, Ted Kennedy, Cronkite, McMahon, Bea Arthur, DeLuise, Les Paul, Steve McNair and Jet Travolta just to name a few.  It all just seems like too much all at once, it feels overwhelming, the extreme reminders of death and then life, past and present…

Oddly enough, with all of this negative change sprinkled with some goodness mixed in, with the losses, the gains and the lack of work and money I can still see light ahead.  I am excited about the possibility of change, of new beginnings, of the uncomfort and the fear.  All these experiences make me believe maybe we are all being reminded that life is short, that we need to stay aware and we need to realize we all have more to do here than we realize. Perhaps this is all God’s way of shaking things up just enough to make bring us to our senses or to awaken us.  Those of us lucky enough to be living with our eyes open might realize we have a chance to make new and better choices.  To recognize we all have a purpose and that we are not just here to go through the motions, make money and gain status.  That we deserve to be happy but we have to be in the drivers seat to know what happiness is for ourselves.  That we have to admit our past failures, to face the truths of our choices, to forgive, to send love, to let go and to move on.  A month ago I had 3 different ex’s contact me in the same week, one of which I haven’t heard from in ages, it seemed strange to me-like a reminder of my past poor choices.  I have realized this week that I still have some deeply seeded anger buried from the hurt toward my ex husband that needs to be released somehow.  I have realized that some people no matter what the circumstances can not take accountability for their actions, always need to be right, to accuse others and will always live with a lack of integrity because they can’t be honest with themselves or with others.  With that I realize I can choose to not let those people affect me, I can distance myself and only surround myself with positive people whom I have respect for and that makes me happy just knowing it is within my own power to choose.

With all this strangeness I can’t help but wonder how all the changes in the earth, the weather, the geographical changes and with gravitational pull affect how we are acting as people.  If animals have the ability to sense things internally through atmospheric pressure changes and through instinct what are we experiencing. I am not alone, many of my friends and others are experiencing unbelievable life experiences and big changes.  How much of these changes are directly related to our culture, with all the processed food we eat, the way we farm our fruit, veggies and meat, with our view on religion, with judgment of others and with what we watch on tv or listen to on the radio.  With all my struggle and reflection it has made me want to conserve more, eat better, drink less and watch less tv.  In fact the news junkie in me has gone cold turkey for a month to CNN and you know what…I feel so much better without the constant chatter of negativity every day.  I want to be healthier, to have a clearer mind, to be able to think clear enough so that I can listen to my spirit give me clues to what it is I am supposed to be doing, to discover my purpose and how to give more of my self to inspire others.  I know this time of confusion and of clarity is also paving the way to a partner I believe is out there but not yet discovered.  Maybe age is creeping in, maybe I am reading too many books or Oprah is influencing me far too much (haha something my ex husband would say when he was mad at me).  What ever it is I have found that I stay angry, sad, frustrated and confused much less than before and I seem to smile more, give more of myself to others, I show more love to myself and I feel good living an honest life.  I have come to trust that no matter what life still goes as it is supposed to, the bad and the good eventually passes, that it is best to just feel what you can now with no expectations other than joy, that it is all meant to be just as it is playing out.   And with all the strangeness I have experienced in less than a year…I am truly happy regardless of the wall I have hit!

2 comments   |  tags: discovery, enlightenment, growth, looking-back, plans-hope, self, self-discovery, self-reflection | posted in life

Mar 21 2009

Being grumpy, a birthday celebration, creating art and being blessed…

I”ve been sad and grumpy all week!  So much so I have avoided people the best I can because I hate passing along negative energy to others and I don’t want people to feel like they need to avoid me.  I am feeling really ADD right now, I’ve been anxious all week and here are some of my random thoughts…

I guess we all have our moments of sadness and/or irritation and mine seems to be now.  It was a year ago the 23rd that I broke it off with Todd, I would have never thought he would not be living a year later.  My GF lost her Mom last week to a heart attack and although I never met her I have cried on and off at the thought of her loss and with the thought of her dealing with it.  I have also been thinking about my Mom a lot and how much I love her.  Work has been stressful.  I have had a ton of bids but am finding things are changing in my business with the economy the way it is.  People are wanting more for less and I am wondering how much I can do before it no longer feels worth having my own business with the overhead.

I want to be a REAL artist and each day that becomes more clear to me.  My friends say that I am but I still struggle with what an artist truly is.  I don’t want to be the starving kind but  the one that galleries fight over.  I dream about owning an old 2 story building on Charlotte where I have a huge open space with tall ceilings and lots of window light up stairs to create BIG art.  Below is a small gallery and a space someone else leases as a coffee shop.  I am not just an artist but I am a photographer and a writer…some how I am able to make it all work together.  I can see it all so clearly…but how do I get there.  How do I get people to want to buy my work?  What is no one wants to, what if it is not good enough.  I want to sell my work and make a good living, do I have what it takes to do that?

I have never enjoyed celebrating my birthday, this year with the help and encouragement of some close girl friends I am taking a step forward, having a celebration for myself and embracing my age.  It is not easy for me but perhaps necessary.  I am unsure of what men feel inside with the aging process but as a woman I have felt challenged.  Especially with the younger, beautiful girlfriends I have in my life.  When I was younger I had older friends and they all said I acted more mature than my age, now most of my friends are younger and say I don’t look or act my age.  Hmmm, I wonder what happened over the years?  So tomorrow around 7pm the festivities will begin.  My friend is making me his special….summertime punch.  Another friend is making her famous RUM cake, in lieu of gifts people are bringing munchies and drink.  I hope that it will stay warm long enough for us all to enjoy the deck and I am really looking forward to my friends playing some music later in the evening.  I have some of the nicest, coolest and inspiring friends I have ever had in my life, I am truly blessed.  I am not looking forward to being the B-day girl but I am looking forward to having great company around me on Saturday night.  I have 45 RSVP’s so does that mean 20 will come?  That is a lot for my little house.

Do you ever just want to have someone to make out with, nothing more just kissing…ok so that was a random thought but being single often leaves one thinking about things.  Especially when your other single friends are out doing these things.  I don’t even have anyone I want to make out with, that is the sad part.

So here is where I wrap it all up with something other than rambling, something that makes it worth your reading this far.  I know that despite my wrinkles, my dryer skin and the fact that men just don’t look at me like they used to,  I do feel more confident in my own skin.  I have no regrets for any of my past decisions because I know it all brought me to where I am right now.  I am happier now, even with what has happened in the last year, I am a happier person.  I might not have started off that way the beginning of this week or in the beginning of this blog but now, right now I am feeling happy.  I am blessed to have a roof over my head, no debt, good health, a puppy that makes me smile every day, an incredible family and beautiful friends.  I am sooo blessed.  In the morning I head to a couples house to take some pics, a personal project I am working on to keep me creative and motivated in these slow times.  Tomorrow night I will celebrate.  On Monday (my actual birthday) I will report back about all these things and even share some pictures.  Happy Birthday to me!!!

1 comment   |  tags: gratitude, looking-back, self-reflection, wonder | posted in life

Dec 29 2008

A bad dream, looking back and giving love!

With all bad that is happening here and around the world I feel like if we just let go of our stupid egos,realized we all started the same, that we are all connected, equal in likeness and just showed more love and compassion to one another allowing our differences and excepting them as gifts the world would be a happier place.

Click to continue reading “A bad dream, looking back and giving love!”

1 comment   |  tags: dreams, finding-happiness, life, looking-back, love | posted in life