Thinking Diva

So much has happened lately, the emotions brought on by the flood, seeing people hurt and rebuild, watching people join together and the strange birth from out of no where of ReTune Nashville into my life.  I have had many moments of self reflection and with each moment I keep thinking of the gift of life and the road that led me here.  For me there is a newly found happiness of just being, I am happy 95% of the time with an occasional bad mood but I realize I am in charge of my mood so it has become easier to react to things based on how I want to feel.  Feeling good happens when I am in a good mood therefore I choose to be in a good mood no matter what.

For some reason the same two questions continue popping up in my mind. Who am I?  What is my purpose?  After all this time it is these two questions that never seem go away completely.  Even when I feel I have found myself, discovered a secret to life and maybe even stumbled upon my purpose. There will be a point in time where these questions will resurface because life is continuous, always moving in a forward direction even when I don’t feel that it is.  I thought mine was on hold the past 9 years but looking in the mirror at the lines slowly collecting around my eyes I am reminded that time is marching on.

So my story is clear, it is all the things I have done, places I have been, people who have filtered through my life in various ways over time and how I have allowed all of my choices to lead my life to where I am right now.  But who I am?  I am what I think I am and I do believe that sometimes it is not what others see.  So often we filter in opinions of our self based on a false meaning from what someone said or how we interpreted what someone said.  Who we are is up to us, we have a choice in how we see ourselves and we have a choice in what we choose to believe.

Who am I?  I do know that this is and will continue to change until the day I die because time will not stop as long as I am breathing. I am a woman who loves her family.  They are and will always be the most important part of me (even if Mom thought it was cute to dress me as a skunk for halloween).  I am a very open minded person yet at times I feel I am somehow trapped by my conservative upbringing.  Yes I marvel over those who can ink up their bodies in grande displays, not because they have the balls to do it but because they have the courage to be who they believe they are no matter how others look at them.  I am a woman who feels deeply and wants to give of myself more now than I have ever wanted in my past.  I know I am intelligent although at times I feel really dumb at certain things.  I feel attractive at times but I continue to question my identity with hopes of one day secretly winning a makeover and rediscovering a diamond that I always knew was there I just had no idea how to make it shine.  I am always trying to find ways to challenge my mind and to make money through what I love but I also have found a new joy in being quiet and living simple.  I love to talk when I am around those I know but when I am around strangers I am shy and reserved.  I feel healthy, I enjoy my work outs most every day, I feel better when I eat better and I love my dog.  I have, for the first time in my life become completely content with being single and although I would love to be asked out on occasion by someone I am attracted to I feel no panic in my lack of men or my not being in a relationship.  I believe when it is time it will happen and that it is all happening exactly as it should.  I am for the first time in my life living with no worry of where my career or time will take me, I have goals and dreams but I am ok with how things fall into place because I believe that there is something bigger guiding me in the right direction.  I trust my forward path will be as it should because I am healthier in my thinking, I am spiritual and I know I am being guided.  I have embraced self love in ways I never thought I could and I believe it has given me not only confidence but also restored happiness to my life that was missing for a very long time.  Most of all I have found an enormous amount of love with in me and it makes me want to pass it on knowing how powerful that is and how good it feels.

Perhaps I am just a bunch of words, and what if I am, what if to me words are just a way for me to cope and to grow.  What if words are also my secret gift to others without even knowing it.  Often as I am writing I imagine myself as the narrator of a movie, a simple story of an average person living an average life, but it is how the words are expressed that matters, that is also what makes the story stand on its own.  Words have the potential to make a story unfold but they also have the ability to make you feel the story.  The truth is my story really doesn’t matter to you.  Who am I?  Who are you?  What is your story?  Can you tell me in a way that will make me feel, can you tell your love ones things in ways that make them feel, what is it that they are feeling from your story.  Is it a good story, if not how can it be?  Maybe we would all be in a better place, perhaps a happier place if we thought about our story and spoke it in a way where people not only felt it but it brought a smile.  You are your story so start creating, the past is the past it doesn’t carry meaning unless you allow it to.  Think about it….I am!

Tonight was a huge reminder that I am who I am.  I believe that the core of our being is planted when we are very young.  No matter what happens along the way, that embedded core transforms into personality traits which in turn leads to our purpose and our being.  I believe that what we experience at a very young age and how we choose to interpret it creates who we will become.  I think that depending on the early experience (between the age of two to maybe ten) we place meaning on what happens, and then we continue to experience that throughout life based on the meaning we gave the experience.

Tonight was my WMBA (Woman’s Music Business Association) annual cocktail party and yearly award ceremony at the Acorn in Nashville.  As always I went alone, sat at a table alone the first 30 minutes as we all ate and after a glass of wine I was relaxed enough to mingle.  As a child I would always sit in the back corner of the room as I did tonight, my reason for this is so that I won’t draw attention to myself (as if no one wonders why the chick in the back of the room is sitting alone).  Throughout life I never enjoyed being in front of people, never enjoyed being the center of attention, never wanted to be called upon in class and I never wanted to win anything because I hated the thought of being in front of a crowd.  I believe it stems from my story (in earlier blog post) with kids making fun of me because of my speech impediment and I do realize at 45 that this is all self inflicted.

As I sat there tonight another trait from my childhood resurfaced, that of not paying attention.  I have always had a difficult time staying focused and using my time wisely.  These days it is referenced to as ADD and although I will not allow myself to be tested or to accept that title I do believe there is some truth that I may have a small percentage of this behavior.  I recently found an early report card (image attached) that stated that I needed improvement in those areas and it serves as a reminder that those issues have carried through to today some 36 years later.  I find it interesting those report card notes from my early years are still a part of who I am today.

As the award show started I quickly lost attention and struggled to stay focused on what was being said.  My friend Dina sent a text, she is leaving in the morning from New Orleans and wanted to know if I was interested in splitting a sack of raw oysters upon her return.  Being from Florida I couldn’t resist the temptation and as I was responding to her text quietly in the back of the room my name came across the loud speaker.  Like a deer in the headlights I looked up to see the whole room staring at me and clapping their hands.  In that moment fear gripped my entire body, somehow I was able to walk to the front of the room, not knowing why exactly but realizing I had won some award.  The microphone was handed to me and I was asked to speak…crickets.  I had no idea what I was just awarded nor did I have a clue what to say, so, as I have learned with age the best path to take is honesty.  I admitted that I was not paying attention, I was texting for oysters, showed the crowd gratitude for the award and nervously in my moment of embarrassment (auto pilot kicked in) I rambled off some story from my childhood and walked away ashamed.

With age I have come to realize that emotions pass very quickly when you don’t allow yourself to hold on to them.  My embarrassment subsided and later I was approached with congratulations and only wished I knew what for, the award was titled “Extra Mile Award”.  I have not won an award in many, many years so I am very honored to have won.  The WMBA is a wonderful organization and I feel privileged to be a part of it.  Although I do not feel I have done anything to earn an award I must have done something because I was voted in and it is with great honor.

Tonight, I learned a big lesson, texting is not only bad to do while driving but it is also bad to do at an award show.  I am glad that I was able to bring some laughter to everyone in the room tonight and I think with my new “Extra Mile Award” title I will go the extra mile and say even if some of my not so desirable traits are still with me from my childhood, I will use them in ways that bring laughter to others!  Yes my humiliation for some reason always brings laughter and I am ok with that because that brings me joy.  Sending love until next time…

I have to admit something is going on.  I am unsure of what it is but I can feel something deep inside that I can’t explain.  Over the past few years I have studied metaphysics a little and read numerous self-help books.  I have been on a spiritual search and feel I have come to an awakening of sorts but I still feel there is some little something still missing, I can’t put my finger on it and I have no idea what it is but I feel it is there.  Does any of that make sense to any one else?  I have been in Nashville now for almost 9 years and have hoped that in that amount of time I would burry my past, re-invent who I am and become an amazing new persona that could change the world.  Perhaps a little corny to the masses but I have always been a dreamer.  I think I have always hoped that I could be one of those people who had that instant life changing moment that would remold me into someone different, full of meaning, confidence and insight, someone who made a difference, someone you read about or see in some documentary on tv.  I have always thought that those things happened in a flash and one day you are just different.

This past week I was re-united with some old high school friends through facebook after I was tagged in some pictures posted from around 1981-1983. For some reason it has stirred up a lot of emotions and some realities I have not thought of before or perhaps they were just buried.  When I look at those people of my past and see where they are now, all of their lives seem to be centered around family, kids and their significant other. As I have said before, for the first time in my life I feel really comfortable with who I am and with not being in a relationship.  Yet, this week I am feeling like I have fallen short because I have no responsibility other than making sure I pay my bills each month.  I have no other obligations, no one to worry about, no where to be, no one who wonders where I am if I don’t come home (other than the big white pink eared dog).  All of a sudden it feels so strange to me and I have to admit I feel a little out of sorts.  I feel so free and content yet at the same time that I missed out on life’s true gift…that of giving life, a family, being a mom, giving my life to someone else rather than just focusing on myself.

Last night I pulled my old year books out wanting to see a picture of someone I heard had passed away, I knew the name but needed to connect a face.  I found myself engulfed in those books for an hour, looking at all the pictures and reading all the notes my friends had left in between each page.  The strangest part of the hour was knowing it was me back then but not really recognizing that person any more.   I read my senior yearbook post and it said that I hoped to be happily married “someday”, to have a successful career and to make my parents proud.  As I sat there a little teary eyed I realized how much we make words take on meaning that society has buttered us up into believing is the only way we will be happy.  I had a marriage and although I am sure it was happy in the beginning it was not in the end and it has made me wonder if I will ever cross that bridge again.  I know my career has been successful but where I stand right now I feel it is in need of some huge changes due to technology shifts and I am questioning everything in regards to what I am truly supposed to be doing.  I do feel like I have made my parents proud but at the same time I believe they were always proud of me so in a sense that was just an empty statement a 17 year old thinks when faced with the reality of adulthood.

I have felt lately I am floundering around like a fish out of water, even writing this feeling like there is really no direction just hoping something will shift in an instant, that a light bulb will go off and in that moment I will be a different person.  Even with self love and spirit how come I am not complete?  How can I love “ME” yet feel I am still looking for a purpose, I don’t want to call it career but I know what we do with our time holds as much importance as loving ourselves and believing in God or what ever you want to name it.  My idea of the person I want to be is someone who gives something back to the world in a way that truly makes a difference.  The person I feel like I am is invisible.  I think this goes back to the way we put meaning to things, the way we beat ourselves up at times.  The weirdest part of this whole thing is that I love “ME” right now, I do feel comfortable in my skin, with my spirituality and my relationship with God.  So if I have that knowing I never had that comfort in my past why does it still feel as if I am still falling short?

So many questions, so much more in this life to learn and wanting so badly to understand it all.  Sitting here this morning as I write, I am enjoying the gentle breeze coming through the window.  I can hear a flurry of birds, many different kinds in the distance chattering amongst themselves.  I can hear the neighbor talking baby talk to their little one as she speaks back in some strange language only a parent would understand.  Someone just cranked up some music, I think it is Tracy Chapman as I recognize the melody yet I can’t make out the song.  Such simple things yet all of them make me feel better.  In this exact moment of my self indulged confusion I feel a little relief just from the sounds softly filtering in, the perfect temperature, the sun, the blue sky.  Although it is not completely quiet I think this is what quiet is supposed to be.  Today no matter what my state of mind, or perhaps confusion I think I will spend my day alone out in my yard just being, enjoying the spring weather, doing a few chores and thinking about my life.  I am sure another post will come from this and my hope is that it will be insightful.  If not for you at least for me.  Have a wonderful weekend everyone, sending love and thank you for reading!  SMOOCH!!!!

I had the chance to spend some time with friends celebrating the arrival of spring but I opted to spend some alone time reflecting, enjoying time with the big white pink eared dog and loving the beautiful weather.  I began to think about my past life and the defining life moments that have occurred that have molded me into who I am.  I thought it might be therapeutic to write the list in order to feel the full release and to define each individually.

I started this blog years ago to share in hopes of helping people.  I have not figured out as of yet how to really get it out there and feel it touches very few people but still, I am here.  Although I often open myself up and share pretty deeply, there are things we all keep to our selves.  Things that no one, not even our closest friends or loved ones know of or quite possibly would even be able to understand.  I have posted things from my heart that people said I should not put out there because of what others would think.  I have said things that some believed I should remove because it would make others think of me in an undesirable way.  I have shared my thoughts and people have stated they thought I might need to seek professional help.  At the same time these things have gained praise, compassion and gratitude by others who’s emails have made me feel I am doing the right thing.  The truth is no matter what I share there will always be judgment of some kind.  As humans it is what we do and it is expected.  Although there are places I will not allow myself to share openly here, I feel there is some reason that little voice in my head keeps telling me to post what I am experiencing.

I believe that some people truly need help, that in-balance exist and that often prescribed drugs need to be taken.  I believe my high’s and lows are natural, that life is not always an upward plane and that at times we have to feel, to be humbled and to experience life.  If we are feeling pain yet know in our thoughts that it is supposed to be that way because that is the course of life I think we can keep things on track once we have the experience, regain our focus and then allow ourselves to move forward knowing it all leads to a better place.  I don’t want to hide, I don’t need to take some pharmaceutical drug a doctor thinks I need and I know that a bottle or recreational drug is not going to keep any painful thoughts from being experienced.  Numbing the experience is not going to make me a healthier person.  Life is our own journey, we set our path with each choice we make, we allow ourselves to place meaning on everything that comes into play and our thoughts determine our next move.  That being said no matter what, we are all going to hurt at times, we are all going to feel sad and sometimes…lost. We all experience health issues, break ups, broken hearts, broken friendships, losses and death.  At the same time if we look deeply into each of these things as they happen and allow ourselves to feel the hurt yet see what was also good in the experience we will eventually grow as an individual.  It is why people who have lost loved ones to tragedy often find a way to help others in need.  That those sad or seemingly negative experiences often lead to very uplifting and motivational publications, movies, businesses and organizations.  It is often what it takes in our lives to trigger something that helps us discover our purpose.

With all that was said above are you wondering what this post is actually about?  Well, I can’t say there is any one thing and although I honestly feel very happy with where I am in life for some reason at times I just feel a bit like a roller coaster (and I am getting really tired of some of you women blaming it on “THE CHANGE”).  This is life and lately my lower points happen when I see or remember something that reminds me of Todd.  I have never experienced the death of someone I have been intimate with, that I truly and deeply loved and that I feared would die because of their life style yet never believing it would actually happen.  Life is strange that way. I go through stages when it comes to Todd and lately he has been on my mind a lot.  I am wondering if maybe there are years of  emotional stages you go through when death has come in a tragic manner.  I think of him when I grab the remote, when I hear certain songs, drive by a certain place…there are things everywhere that make me think of him and not a single day goes by where he doesn’t filter through my mind.  Recently a friend gave me a jacket they had that was Todd’s, I went through all the pockets hoping I would find something he might have left, that he might have touched.  I didn’t want to but needed to wash it because it was extremely dirty, as I pulled it out of the dryer I couldn’t’ help but wonder what he had done the last time he wore it as tears fell down my cheeks.   I have been considering contacting some local establishments that deal with helping people who suffer from alcohol and drug addictions to offer my experiences with Todd and the reality of what can happen.  It would be a very difficult thing for me to do in person but I feel driven in some way to move in that direction.  Right now I am allowing my life to move forward on the ideas that come to mind and what I feel in my gut, this is one of them but I have yet to take action.

Several weeks ago I had a discussion about religion with a person I have not known for very long, we talked about Todd and some of the circumstances leading up to his death.  This person began to tell me in a polite yet Godly way that Todd more likely was not in Heaven, that he was in hell because of the sinful things he had done.  Now before I go on I will say that Religion and Politics are two things I don’t openly care to share or discuss, I feel we are all entitled to our choice in these areas and that judgment lies deeper in these two areas than any others.  That being said I have always admitted openly that I do believe in God and I am a spiritual person.  When this person made that statement it not only bothered me but it disturbed me.  I told the person they were entitled to their belief but I choose to believe differently and then ended the discussion.  I choose to believe that God does not punish, he loves, he forgives and he understands that as humans some of us are weaker than others.  It is not my place to judge other peoples actions, choices or where they end up, I don’t need to waist the energy on judgment of others I can only worry about my own actions.  I do have a choice in my thinking and what I choose to believe when it comes to Todd.  Todd was a wonderful loving person who also suffered from many painful things he could not overcome.  It has bothered me for several weeks now but in MY heart and mind Todd is in heaven and I know he will be there with a big grin on his face when it is my time to go.  I am not sure why I wanted to share that but I did want to get it off my chest and this seemed like the place to do it.

I realize this blog is a bit scattered in thought with this post but that is ok.  I am not trying to write a book, say something that will get me praise or earn friendships. I am just sharing and that isn’t something that should be proofread and edited a million times in hopes of pleasing everyone.  I love who I am, I love what I do, I love my family and friends and I feel very confident in my skin…I recently celebrated a birthday and I love that another year has allowed me to grow into the person I am right here…right now!  Love, love, love I can’t say the word enough, sending love out to all of you until next time!

The older I get the more I notice that I feel others sadness when dealing with the embarrassment of public humility.  It is the biggest reason I tend to watch less tv, especially the news.  It seems that no matter how thick our skin is there are times that something said can affect us in a negative and hurtful way.  We are often too busy worrying about what others think about us or we are passing judgment about others and we forget we all originated from the same cloth.  Tiger Woods is a perfect example, though I do not agree with his actions I believe the media has taken it too far, let the man deal with his bad choices on his own and in private.  It amazes me and saddens me that our society gets so much pleasure in others pain and humility.

In my younger-past life I was very sensitive to others opinions, to the stares of those who seemed to look down on me and to those who did not like me no matter how hard I tried to make them think differently.  I worked hard to be accepted and wanted everyone to love me.  I would sometimes do things I did not want or agree with for acceptance.  Thank God I am still here to talk about them because some of the things I did in my teens could have taken my life had the circumstances been different in even a split second of the moment.

I struggled in elementary school with a speech impediment that made me different, it made other kids talk down to me and it hurt.  While they were out playing kick ball, laughing and having fun I was in a classroom trying to learn how to talk like everyone else.  As I grew older those internal feelings grew and I allowed them to manifest into something I believed not something that truly was.  I never felt I was good enough, I never felt pretty enough and I allowed my thoughts to take over my choices by settling.  I stayed in relationships that offered reinforcement on my belief through manipulation because I thought I deserved less.  I never trusted because in my mind everyone was planning to hurt me, I was outwardly doing everything I could to be accepted but privately I was sad and very alone.  I believed that loving yourself meant that you were selfish and self centered and I had become a victim in my own thinking, I was living my story…one that I myself created in my own mind.  The person here before you now is very different from that person, although at times some of those old thoughts may resurface I am always aware and I am able to find my true self, that self that I know I love.

For me something happened…something shifted somewhere around the time I entered my forties.  Perhaps it was the mere fact that I finally began the battle of wanting to love myself and except, honor and be grateful for what I had, what I was and who I am.  I think the real factor was that I was truly tired of the struggle, of the sadness and I wanted to figure out how to be happy.  Wouldn’t it be great if we all could find that early in life so that discovering the truth self-love creates for us could be experienced by all.  Imagine how much more happiness we could have encountered in our lives if this were the case, now imaging how much more happiness your children could have if you teach these things to them now.

The idea for this post came to mind when I remembered an episode that happened on the playground in 1st grade way back when I was struggling with my speech impediment and my feeling of not fitting in.  I was friends with an african american girl named Karen and we would often take turns throwing the basketball after school on the basketball courts.  It is hard to believe that where I grew up there were practically no african american people who lived or went to school with me and there were no other ethnic kids in our school.  Even today I hate that we have to use titles to represent the color of skin (or sexual preference) to define a person who is not a straight caucasian.  On this particular day as we walked to the basketball court two boys started saying awful, judgemental things to Karen because of her color.  It was obvious she was used to being talked down to in that way and she began to walk away as the boy’s continued with their rudeness.  For whatever reason and without even thinking about my actions I stood next to her with a basketball planted between my arm and resting on my hip full of attitude and confidence as I told the boys we were staying and were playing whether they wanted us to or not.  Through her humility on that day in that instant I saw a faint smile and she stayed there with me regardless of the fear she was feeling.  At the time I did not realize what an impact that must of made on her but she stayed my friend until we moved on to different schools.  I never saw her as a color but as a girl that I liked to hang out with and I have to thank my mother for those morals because she always told me that I should always treat others as I would want to be treated because in Gods eyes we are all the same.

Most of my life I allowed myself to experience humility and felt it was what I deserved, boy did I have that all wrong and now I realize it was something I made up in my own mind.  I believe that this is the reason I have always felt drawn to those who are different, to those who might be considered strange, damaged or less fortunate…perhaps it is the reason I want so badly to give something back and to make others feel good about themselves.

In my quest the greatest lesson I have learned is that you can’t make everyone love you no matter how hard you try but you can make your thoughts about what people think or say mean NOTHING….it is all how you think and what you allow yourself to believe.  Most of the time we have it all wrong in believing that someone else is even thinking about us.  Insecurity runs rampant when we allow it to but we always have the choice to love ourselves enough for it not to matter.  This is what I choose, this is who I have become and my hope is that if I can touch even just one person out there in a way that changes their self-thought in a positive way I have made some sort of difference.  As always I am sending love to all because love is the truth of why we are here.  The greatest thing you can do in life is to give love and compassion so pass it on….

I slept in today and that is not something that happens often.  I actually was awake but couldn’t (for some reason) bring myself to want to get out of bed.  Today is Valentines Day and all week leading up to today I have read post, received emails and talked to friends who were dreading the day’s arrival.   “Love Stinks” parties and “Single Valentines” events for those sad souls who are without a partner.  Those who are in relationships complaining how the hype makes the holiday expensive with limited restaurant menu’s and expensive price tags.  All this stress over a day focusing on “LOVE”.   Why  do we really need a day to remind us to be grateful and celebrate the one or one’s we love.  Everyday we should be showing love and for a day that was created for the sake of love it seems so many are stressed out and wanting it to pass as quickly as possible.

I am happy today, my dad’s birthday was yesterday, this week several of my friends are celebrating their b-days and I have wonderful people I love in my life.  Today I started my day with a kiss and a hug to my big white pink eared dog and a call to my mom to say happy “V” day and “I love you”.  Sure, it would be great to have someone special to celebrate the occasion with and in time I will be in that place but I won’t need a “specific” day to remind me show love to that special someone, it will be shown everyday.

So I have to admit although I have been happy all week, grateful for the busy work week and looking forward to a little quiet relaxation time I have felt a little off.  I have been aware of it but not sure what it was about.  I avoided people all weekend and enjoyed spending time at home alone watching cheesy movies about falling in love.  I often with draw, I enjoy being alone at times, I am not feeling depressed in any way so although I am not feeling sociable I feel happy overall.  Perhaps I feel a little off because I am trying to use less sugar in my diet and have felt a little out of sorts over the experience and the failures at times.  I though it was the reason I was feeling restless all week and having a hard time focusing.

As I become a healthier person in mind, body and spirit I am learning that often things trigger past events in our lives.  That no matter how positive or happy we are there will always be times of reflection that might feel painful yet need to be experienced.  I believe these events happen because we need to be reminded of who we are, where we have been and by believing that happiness lies with in our own minds we keep moving forward.  These events are reminders for us to see the beauty in all things, good or bad, and to live life feeling and growing rather than being numb to the process.  More often than not if we keep a positive mind set and believe these events are there to help us grow we will see something beautiful on the other side from the experience.  Individually, for each of us this is our very own road of life, we make the decisions where and when to turn so we must live with where ever we end up!  I choose to be happy no matter where I land.

The truth is that Todd has been on my mind a lot this week and I think maybe Valentines is the trigger.  I have had some dreams of him, I have been missing him and I am sad that he is gone.  I never watch tv and this week found myself watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab, connecting so much with what was happening in the episode especially with the drama. For those of you who are new to my post, Todd passed away a year and a half ago of a drug overdose.  I dated him for two years prior and was unaware of his issues, after a year of dating and then moving in together I realized he had an addiction.  I tried to get him help and eventually had to break up with him because I could no longer handle his addiction.  It was a tough decision because I loved him dearly but I could no longer deal with the events that the drug and alcohol addiction had created in our lives, he died eight month later.  I have never been into drugs, I don’t even like to take aspirin and other than drinking alcohol on occasion I prefer to feel in control of my body, my mind and my actions.  I am very nieve to the habits and characteristics drugs create because I have no knowledge of what they do internally nor how they make you feel.  Now days everyone seems to be taking pharmaceutical drugs….personally I think these might be worse than any of the ones I knew about when I was younger.  The bottom line is that losing someone you love is tough especially when it is sudden and unexpected, it takes time to heal and although it gets easier over time things do resurface.  You do repeat the grieving process and remember the person who is no longer living.

Todd has been on my mind, although I have been happy this week there has been a slight unknowing sadness or feeling of being off.  I realized this morning while lying in bed that three years ago Todd had given me a beautiful saffire ring (not an engagement ring) for valentines, it was one of the most memorable and happy valentines I can remember ever having.

So here I am not sure why I am writing today but wanting to say something to lift my spirits and yours, at least those of you who may be feeling a bit down on this day of recognizing “LOVE”.  What I can say is this…I am ever so grateful that even though Todd has passed I had the opportunity to love him, to be loved by him knowing he loved me the best he could in light of his addiction and realizing that in life there are no guarantees.  We must remember to show our love to all those who are important to us, lovers, friends, family and even strangers.  Life is a constant learning platform with up’s and downs.  At times things may not seem fair, bad things do happen but the ability to think positive even when you might not be feeling it will make all the difference in your life and in being happy.

Love comes in many forms, kindness is the greatest and it is within all of us, it is free and always available to give. Today I am grateful for every single thing in my life.  Thinking of all those unfortunate people in Haiti and what they are having to endure makes me that much more grateful and makes me want to give more because I have the ability to do so.  Today I celebrate “Valentine Day” buy saying to all of you…those I know and those I do not, “I love you” for being who you are, for reading this and for being in my life.  Sending love out to everyone….until next time!  SMOOCH!!!!

This year I want you all to join me in celebrating February as the “LOVE” month.  No I have not regressed with age to the likes of a hippie although I have had someone call me a hippie chic recently.  Generally those who are in relationships feel the love during this month due to Valentines Day but I think the whole month (whether you are in love or not) should be celebrated with love.  I believe every month it should be celebrated but for now lets just focus on February!

This new place I have found in life revolves around being grateful for what I have, not allowing myself to focus on what I don’t and giving something back.  I have grown to understand the importance of self-love and now realize that having that allows me to give more love outside of myself.  Maybe I have watched too many romantic movies lately or maybe  I have focused too much on the wisdom of Dr. Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay.  The point is that something has shifted inside of me in the past year and I have become so full of love and gratitude that I want to share it and make it contagious.  The more I give out the more it comes back to me and the more I smile.

Let me start with the things I love on an average day in the life of me….

I love my daily 7:20 AM call from Mom in Florida, just hearing her voice, the fact she wonders what I have planned and her saying to me “I love you” just before she hangs up.  I love the kisses I get from my 100lb, 1 year old big pink eared dog just before he rings the bell hanging on the back door to go out for his morning poo.  I love the painful hour of exercise I do everyday to get my day started and how it makes me feel, how it gives me time to think, clear my head, get focused and to breath.  I love the view I see from my treehouse on the hill looking out my kitchen window each and every morning as I make my morning coffee or tea, it makes me smile every single day.  I love that I have been fortunate enough to spend every day of my adult life thus far taking pictures, creating art and doing what makes my heart sing.  I love the checking in of my friends through out the day weather on FB, by text or by phone and I am so grateful for all those who acknowledge me, I have the greatest friends in the world.  I love Nashville and my home, the warmth it brings me and the fact that I survived the journey that brought me here.  I love that I have healed from that journey, that I have found inner happiness and that I smile more because of it.  As I end each day I love the comfort of my bed, the softness of my cotton sheets, the twinkle of the lights in the distance that I see from my bedroom window as I lay my head down to sleep. I love that I am healthy, alive and feel completely connected to something much bigger than I am (who I call God).

I believe love is the single most important thing we have yet we seldom see it because we get so caught up in the rush of everyday life.  If you could imagine for a moment that it was felt by all and replaced feelings of hate, judgement, arrogance and racism (among many others)…how do you think our world would look as opposed to the way it looks right now?  I could speak of love far longer than you might care to read so I will end by saying I love that I was given the gift of creativity, I believe I am good at it and that I am finding ways to use it to give back.  Life reflects how we think, love is what we all need, and I believe is what we were put here to do.  No matter how busy you are, how little money you have or how bad you may think your life is, today lets all begin to celebrate the month of “LOVE” and see what comes back.  What are the things that YOU LOVE in the average day of YOU?  Are you grateful?  Do you show your love to others?  This month give LOVE openly, and see where it takes you.  Love is a gift to us all, it is meant to be shared…you have no excuse not to love because it is free!

Ahhh dating, we have all done it at some time in our life and know that it is either fun or not so fun.  This blog comes from my personal ideas of what I want when dating and what I have discovered I love about the process.  I have come to realize finally that in order to enjoy dating you must tell yourself  that you enjoy dating.  As I have said many times before your life reflects how you think.  I never allowed myself to enjoy dating in the past because in my mind I believed I hated it and that it was no fun to go through the uncomfortable process of meeting a stranger hoping to find love.  There will always be an occasional “BAD” date and definitely uncomfortable moments but I believe that when you decide to change your thoughts in a positive way things not only become fun but interesting!

To start I have never been very good at getting a date.  My girlfriends have said I don’t know how to flirt.  I am always that one girl that stands in the back or off to the side never making eye contact because of being shy.  My ex husband said he thought I was stuck up the first time he met me because of my being quiet and my stand-off-ish behavior.  My guy friends have said that I don’t pay attention and that overlook the interested guys and the opportunity to get a date.  I have discovered that once you embrace the idea many of these things fix themselves.  Getting a date can be as easy as smiling and making eye contact with someone I am interested in, figuring out where to find these men of attraction is a bit more difficult especially at 44.

My thoughts of dating in this very moment are that it is to be fun, be light hearted, and I must NOT be focused on wanting to find love.  I must allow time to happen and experiences to be as they are intended with no expectation knowing that if it is no longer fun I have the choice to move on.

I am in no way saying that I don’t want to be in a relationship nor that I’m not interested in finding love.  What I am saying is that dating is not necessarily those things and it can actually be fun, but only when you decide in your own mind that it can be.  I figure that if I spent half my life in relationships that I felt would not last and often was very unhappy in yet I stayed much longer than I should have…why not be single for a while and enjoy the experience solely for the sake of having fun and meeting new people.  I am learning that many times a date or a few might lead to the knowledge of  “this will never work” but can create a wonderful friendship.

I am a bit old fashion when it comes to dating, much like a young school girl in my thinking.  I’m shy with many aspects of  getting to know someone and I am always guarded when it comes to sex.  The other night I had a conversation with a man and he assured me that ALL men want sex and have it on their mind especially in the beginning stages of dating.  As a woman knowing this makes me a bit uncomfortable in how to act.  I often find myself being more reserved because I don’t want my date to perceive through playful flirting I want to sleep with him.  I was assured by my male friend that this is not the case with many women today and based on our conversation it is not uncommon for a woman to be intimate on the second or even first date.

While in the early stages of dating I prefer a guy to pursue me rather than my having to make an obvious effort although he will know that I am interested if I am.  My dating style is to be patient and get to know the guy for a while before becoming intimate, I don’t care what anyone says I feel sex changes things.

With all that being said I thought I would make a list of the things I have discovered that I love about the very early stages of dating so here is that list…even at 44 this sounds a bit elementary.

I LOVE…

*how good it feels when your date says “you’re really pretty”….and then says it again when he is walking away for the night

*when you get a text in the middle of the day you were not expecting that makes you smile and feel a little flushed at the same time

*when you look into the eyes of someone new that you are attracted to and feel excited knowing they are just as attracted to you as they look back

*when he purposely puts his arm around you for the first time and you realize how nice it feels

*how good flirting feels especially when it comes back to you

*the warmth of him sitting next to you without his actually touching you but your wanting him too

*anticipation of anything….and everything

*wanting him to hold your hand but waiting patiently for the moment to happen

*how even at 44 when a guy you have an interest in holds your hand for the first time and you still feel like that little girl did the first time a boy touched your hand under the table

*how on a blind date, if you are not interested or attracted you can still find humor in the situation and laugh about something, in that moment you realize it is a choice to either have fun…or not…or perhaps run

*when you realize he is not the right person as a mate but that you would love to be friends, he is mature enough (even if he wanted more) to realize a friendship could last a life time and quite possibly be better than a relationship ever could

*how silly,  fun and often romantic it can be to share food

*how goofy I am while trying to find something sexy to wear for a date with someone I am interested in, if only there were a hidden camera

*the nervousness of that initial introduction and the gentle ease of conversation when you know it is going well

*the anticipation of a kiss, wondering when it might happen and when it finally does feeling the butterflies take flight

*when your eyes meet and you get a strange feeling of shyness and warmth at the same time

*learning about the other person and watching their lips as they talk

*catching your self looking at their butt as they walk off to the bathroom and thinking how hot they look

*every aspect of body language and how interesting it can be from a nervous chin rub, the constant twirling of a coaster or a leg that moves enough to shake the table

*laughing, laughing and more laughing

*loosing track of time because you are having so much fun and then realizing it is really late…or early the next day

*the first kiss

*being attracted..did I mention butterflies?

*the nervousness of having them over to your place for the first time

*catching him looking at your breasts, feeling awkward yet flattered especially if he smiles with the embarrassment of being caught

*meeting his friends and noticing the secret buddy language that says you are the man for being be seen with this hot woman

*the smell of a good cologne and how it makes you more attracted to him because of how good he smells

*trying a new restaurant that neither of you have been to before

*how a slight touch and smile makes you blush when you are really into him

*the hug on the second date when you walk into the room or answer the door

*talking and laughing until morning without intimacy being any part of the equation knowing that in time that will possibly be a part of the equation

*discovering he loves something that you do

*his saying at the end of the first date….I would like to see you again

So I realize that there could be a list of the bad but I want to remain positive in my current state.  These are what things come to mind for now but there are sooo many more once you start to get your feet wet.  So as I end this post let me say I am having so much fun and truly for the first time in my adult life enjoying the act of dating.  What are your love’s I would enjoy knowing!  Until next time I am sending love out to you all…thank you for reading!

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!