Thinking Diva

Recently in a moment of awareness I discovered that it is easier to see the negative nature of others than it is to see my own negativity. I realized a few months back that I was deliberately putting out there that I did not want to be in a relationship when in fact I do, I was too scared to admit it to myself. The truth is I love being in a relationship, I enjoy having one man in my life and have never enjoyed dating several people while in search of a fit. I made a conscious decision over the past two years that I wanted to make healthier choices and the key for me was to become completely comfortable with myself first by not dating. In doing so I convince myself I didn’t want to date, but in truth I wanted to become a healthier person first so that I could attract a healthy person into my life. I needed to feel confident that I wanted a man to enhance my life not complete me, so my struggle was to feel complete first before allowing myself to date. When you begin to establish self love you begin to have self confidence. When you have self confidence you are much more aware of the people around you and your ability to make better choices, not only in dating but also in friendships. You begin to make healthier decisions because you are relying on your inner confidence by paying attention to inner feelings that come up while you are around other people. I believe it is all based on energy, if I am positive in my thinking my energy is higher and I will attract healthy, positive people in to my life. If I believe I am worthy of love then love will find me, if I believe I don’t deserve love then I won’t. I see the same thing working with friendship and business relationships, by believing they exist and that I deserve them I begin attracting healthy minded people into my life.

My decision to not date for a while was a healthy one, two years ago I made a list with all of the things I wanted in a man, I made it so detailed in fact that I had to laugh with the thought of how such a person could actually exist. It seemed as though I was being so picky that no one could have all those characteristics in real life, still I had read somewhere to do the exercise because it worked…so I did. I started to feel a shift in my thoughts several months ago when I realized that by saying to others out loud I did not want to date I was not being true to what I felt inside. The truth was that I did not care to date just anyone I wanted to meet the right one for me and I didn’t want to have to weed through men to find that one. I had so much fear of getting hurt there was no way I would attract someone into my life because I was putting negative energy out unknowingly. I believe when we are struggling with these sort of subconscious issues we put out mixed signals with our talking, tone of voice and body language. I want to be in a committed relationship and I was scared to admit my actual fear was if I found someone I was crazy about and told the world, I would be embarrassed that I exposed myself if the relationship fell apart. I didn’t want people to see my vulnerable side and I would then have to admit I was wrong. I was living in this fear and it was not even a reality. I was self projecting without even knowing it and I was not giving myself a chance of what if, because I was already focused on the negative. By saying I did not want to date I was hiding and hiding makes it easy to look good but by hiding you can not be found. We can not find the right person without allowing ourselves to look, to make mistakes and to try again. We must learn to trust not only others but ourselves. I had finally become very comfortable with my singleness and with allowing myself the possibility of what might be out there. Around the time I was having these thoughts I noticed something very interesting about myself…I had unknowingly started watching a lot of romantic comedies. The reason this is interesting is that for over a year I did not want to see anything showing love, intimacy or couples because it would bring up my inner loneliness and my fear that I would never find the right guy. In reality it had nothing to do with anyone else, I just lacked self confidence and my “Self Talk” needed to change. I needed to believe there was someone out there for me and feel it was true rather than believe no such man existed. It made me sad to see others in love because I wanted to experience that so badly but deep down I had doubts that I deserved love because I lacked the confidence to admit I was good enough or that it existed. I coped by telling everyone I didn’t want a relationship and that I loved being single. I knew that I needed the time to work on myself, on my thinking and to become a healthier individual but I was also putting a very negative message out to keep my heart safe. When you have the ability to become aware of your negative self conscious “Talk”, just that awareness can begin shifting your thoughts. I then noticed I had all of a sudden started watching movies about love and I no longer felt lonely, instead I felt happy because I felt there was a possibility that love would come into my life because I knew I was living in a better mind set. I felt an inner confidence focusing on the excitement of being in a relationship rather than the negative feeling of believing the right man was not out there for me. I started to believe that wonderful feeling of sharing my life with a partner again would someday exist. I smiled thinking of what that would feel like and what the possibility of love could bring into my life. I know this all may sound silly but I really do feel it is all on the way I have to trust it will happen as it should and just focus on feeling good no matter what.

Another thing that showed me a shift in my thinking was the birth of ReTune Nashville. For years I have asked for and prayed that something would come into my life that would allow me to give back, not just a financial give but a giving of myself to others with out expecting anything in return. ReTune was an accident brought on by a silly idea originating from an unplanned, unfortunate event…a flood. The inner fulfillment this project has brought to me so far is beyond words and we are not even half way to achieving our mission. It has only strengthened my belief in prayer and in positive thinking, we don’t always get what we want right away or when we think we need it. Sometimes someone else knows better when things are supposed to come into being, we just have to believe it is on the way and that it is happening exactly as it should.

What I am attempting to share here is that we need to really pay attention to what we are putting out there, what are we subconsciously sharing with the world? We need to pay attention to our thoughts, what we say and our response to sensitive issues. We often operate in auto pilot repeating ideas and thoughts that may not be as positive as we think. We may be unconsciously putting negative ideas out there because it has over time become a mechanism to protect our hearts from being hurt. We may be playing it safe without even knowing it by operating from fear of what happened in the past. If we open our hearts, take chances and experience the possibility of wonderful things we allow ourselves to experience life not just live it. If we are playing it safe for fear of making a wrong decision or getting our heart broke chances are we are not really living our full potential. If we are experiencing happiness our energy is higher and better things are more likely to come our way and to continue.

I want to live from this point on as if it were my last day on earth. I want to create more, give more, share more and love deeper than I have ever done in my past. The worst thing that can happen is I could fall down a few times but I still have the strength to get up and keep trying so there is absolutely no excuse for my not creating an extraordinary life for myself, even now at 45.

How about you, what are you saying to yourself that could be turned around in a way to make you feel stronger and happier. Pay attention to things that don’t feel good and become aware of what your self conscious mind is saying. Be honest with yourself and with others in a positive way and I can assure you that your life will become a happier place. Give it a try and let me know what you find out! Sending love out to all of you, now it is your turn to spread the word and make a difference!

The older I get the more I notice that I feel others sadness when dealing with the embarrassment of public humility.  It is the biggest reason I tend to watch less tv, especially the news.  It seems that no matter how thick our skin is there are times that something said can affect us in a negative and hurtful way.  We are often too busy worrying about what others think about us or we are passing judgment about others and we forget we all originated from the same cloth.  Tiger Woods is a perfect example, though I do not agree with his actions I believe the media has taken it too far, let the man deal with his bad choices on his own and in private.  It amazes me and saddens me that our society gets so much pleasure in others pain and humility.

In my younger-past life I was very sensitive to others opinions, to the stares of those who seemed to look down on me and to those who did not like me no matter how hard I tried to make them think differently.  I worked hard to be accepted and wanted everyone to love me.  I would sometimes do things I did not want or agree with for acceptance.  Thank God I am still here to talk about them because some of the things I did in my teens could have taken my life had the circumstances been different in even a split second of the moment.

I struggled in elementary school with a speech impediment that made me different, it made other kids talk down to me and it hurt.  While they were out playing kick ball, laughing and having fun I was in a classroom trying to learn how to talk like everyone else.  As I grew older those internal feelings grew and I allowed them to manifest into something I believed not something that truly was.  I never felt I was good enough, I never felt pretty enough and I allowed my thoughts to take over my choices by settling.  I stayed in relationships that offered reinforcement on my belief through manipulation because I thought I deserved less.  I never trusted because in my mind everyone was planning to hurt me, I was outwardly doing everything I could to be accepted but privately I was sad and very alone.  I believed that loving yourself meant that you were selfish and self centered and I had become a victim in my own thinking, I was living my story…one that I myself created in my own mind.  The person here before you now is very different from that person, although at times some of those old thoughts may resurface I am always aware and I am able to find my true self, that self that I know I love.

For me something happened…something shifted somewhere around the time I entered my forties.  Perhaps it was the mere fact that I finally began the battle of wanting to love myself and except, honor and be grateful for what I had, what I was and who I am.  I think the real factor was that I was truly tired of the struggle, of the sadness and I wanted to figure out how to be happy.  Wouldn’t it be great if we all could find that early in life so that discovering the truth self-love creates for us could be experienced by all.  Imagine how much more happiness we could have encountered in our lives if this were the case, now imaging how much more happiness your children could have if you teach these things to them now.

The idea for this post came to mind when I remembered an episode that happened on the playground in 1st grade way back when I was struggling with my speech impediment and my feeling of not fitting in.  I was friends with an african american girl named Karen and we would often take turns throwing the basketball after school on the basketball courts.  It is hard to believe that where I grew up there were practically no african american people who lived or went to school with me and there were no other ethnic kids in our school.  Even today I hate that we have to use titles to represent the color of skin (or sexual preference) to define a person who is not a straight caucasian.  On this particular day as we walked to the basketball court two boys started saying awful, judgemental things to Karen because of her color.  It was obvious she was used to being talked down to in that way and she began to walk away as the boy’s continued with their rudeness.  For whatever reason and without even thinking about my actions I stood next to her with a basketball planted between my arm and resting on my hip full of attitude and confidence as I told the boys we were staying and were playing whether they wanted us to or not.  Through her humility on that day in that instant I saw a faint smile and she stayed there with me regardless of the fear she was feeling.  At the time I did not realize what an impact that must of made on her but she stayed my friend until we moved on to different schools.  I never saw her as a color but as a girl that I liked to hang out with and I have to thank my mother for those morals because she always told me that I should always treat others as I would want to be treated because in Gods eyes we are all the same.

Most of my life I allowed myself to experience humility and felt it was what I deserved, boy did I have that all wrong and now I realize it was something I made up in my own mind.  I believe that this is the reason I have always felt drawn to those who are different, to those who might be considered strange, damaged or less fortunate…perhaps it is the reason I want so badly to give something back and to make others feel good about themselves.

In my quest the greatest lesson I have learned is that you can’t make everyone love you no matter how hard you try but you can make your thoughts about what people think or say mean NOTHING….it is all how you think and what you allow yourself to believe.  Most of the time we have it all wrong in believing that someone else is even thinking about us.  Insecurity runs rampant when we allow it to but we always have the choice to love ourselves enough for it not to matter.  This is what I choose, this is who I have become and my hope is that if I can touch even just one person out there in a way that changes their self-thought in a positive way I have made some sort of difference.  As always I am sending love to all because love is the truth of why we are here.  The greatest thing you can do in life is to give love and compassion so pass it on….

With all the media coverage over Michael Jackson’s passing, the loss of Farrah and now the death of Nashville’s Steve McNair one can’t help but feel sad and a little numb. I find it unsettling that so much media coverage happens over the famous, that people seem to honor and celebrate the lives of the well known but the everyday Joe is often buried and forgotten  with out any acknowledgement, that someone like Todd (an earlier post) was not even honored by his own family.  It is still a life and no matter who it is they gave something good to someone in their lifetime.  Wouldn’t it be grande if we all could have a celebration and words of greatness spoken like the stars do just because we lived.  With so many high profile people passing as well as people in my own life I have found myself often questioning what is all this for…what is my purpose?  Lately it seems to be about survival in regards to money, making it and not spending it if possible.  I am smart enough to know that money is not my purpose.  I have found myself feeling bored with life, wanting to be moved by something, wishing for some sort of change but unable to figure out a way to get out of the paralyzed state I seem to be in…I am so frustrated.  MJ’s memorial was much more moving to me than I imagined.  I am not one to get star struck and honestly was getting a little tired of the overwhelming coverage of MJ.  I was curious how the memorial would be carried out and that was the primary reason I decided to turn on the tube 30 minutes after it started  I have to say surprisingly I was very moved, tears fell and I felt the power of his passing in a different way than I expected.  The most moving thing for me was the connection I felt to God and the reality that music can bridge countries, cultures and ethnicticity.  I felt the beauty of life in his memorial, of connection and of unity.  I saw the power music can bring, the power it has over our bodies in movement, how it is felt and how it can breed love in such an unexplainable way.  Lately I feel that music is the one thing that can always move me especially when I can connect with the story and the beat.

I am really questioning my worth, my life and my happiness these days.  I feel as though I am moving along at a snails pace in regards to accomplishments and like lightning as far as the time I have here.  I know aging is a part of this equation but I also know the lack of money I have available due to the economy is a big factor.  Like so many others I am being affected and it bothers me to not be as social as I would like to be because I am staying home more in order to spend less.  Money is such a strange thing…people who have it never worry about it but often try to find happiness through spending it and never do.  People who don’t have money wish they did and live believing if only they could afford _____ they would be happy.

Recently I attended a party (consisting of mostly 20 somethings) with a friend and I felt like we were two cougars in a sea of boys…and girls.  Lot’s of flirtatious looks from the guys and judgmental stares from the gals.  The most interesting thing I noticed at this party is that the guest list seemed to include people with a lot of money but no one seemed happy, drunk yes but not happy.  Perhaps I was reading into it but it was an interesting night of observation.  Everyone was pretty, both the guys and the gals hair was perfect, fingernails and toes carefully prepped, dress attire was high fashion and all were well groomed.  The thing that disappointed me was that I didn’t hear a single interesting or deep conversation.  No one person stood out of the crowd (except maybe us old farts) and everyone seemed a little bored, continuously picking up their phone to text or call someone.  Not one person walked up to me and offered an introduction only a stare almost as if in disbelief I was there.  Standing around observing the crowd got me to thinking…this is my nephew’s generation, lacking in the desire to connect with others and over stimulated with media to the point they are bored with everything. They don’t seemed genuinely engaged with each other and can’t function without texting, emailing or talking on their phones.  No one seems completely in tune with anyone else because at any moment a text might break the focus.  It seems sad and I feel disconnected.

With all this reflecting I can say I am working very hard to make all these observations mean something in a positive way.  I believe that life is supposed to be lived in a happy and engaging way.  When you have a clear mind free of noise, guilt and medication I think you begin to understand why you are here.  Believing this makes it that much more important for me to try and stay healthy, live life in moderation knowing that balance is the key to everything.  I am taking these strange, sometimes frustrating and often bad experiences and learning about life.  These are very strange times and I not only want to be living my life with purpose and happiness but I also want to live an extraordinary life not a mediocre one…and so I am reminded, “this too will pass!”

Friday night I went to a party where there were more people than I normally feel comfortable with and found myself wondering why people brag about parties that big, I prefer 30 people or less not 50+.  I get a little clostiphobic when I am shoulder to shoulder with people I don’t know and I tend to move off to a back corner while swimming in my anxiety.  As I stood back looking around, watching people slowly get louder with the addition of more alcohol, I noticed some faces I recognized but as usual had no idea what their names were.  This is the one thing about myself I have always disliked and wished I could change…my inability to remember.  While studying art education in college I remember doing name recall exercises in groups and being amazed how some of the others could go as many as 10-15 people in a row remembering each persons name.  My ability is maybe 2 and soon even that recall disappeared.  It was similar in school with my ability to remember things for test, I would study my ass off and then when the test was placed in front of me I would go completely blank from the anxiety.  It was also an issue in speech class and at writers nights making the sharing of my music publicly so painful I eventually disappeared back into my cave and I have not performed in public in over 4 years.  I have always had issues with concentration and paying attention and wondered if it is ADD or just a part of who I am.  So here I was standing off to the back, anxious and irritated with myself.  Every now and then someone would walk up say hi and ask how I was doing, after reminding me the last time we had met…I had no recollection.  I felt I was being disrespectful and was a bit ashamed so I soon decided to head home and end the discomfort.

Once home and eventually in bed I began thinking about how different our lives are even from 4 years ago in regard to being sociable.  Parties and getting out are still an old school way of social networking but nowadays we do business, interact and make friends with complete strangers on the internet everyday often not thinking twice about who they really are.  We know only what they provide through comments on others pages, through their blogs and their pictures.  Being from such a different generation it seems so strange yet in ways refreshing how the internet has brought people together without even having had the opportunity to meet face to face in person.  So often I am surprised when someone comes up and says hi knowing me from a picture in their friends list and as usual my having no idea who they are…online dating seems even more strange.

So with all this internet stuff are we being real or are we allowing others to only see what or who we want to be?  I have to admit at times I have embellished things a bit online but I can’t help being honest most of the time so I feel I share my weaknesses more than I do my successes.  I share because it is therapeutic for me and because I feel like it helps others in some strange way.  My goal is to inspire without the worry of bragging because me me me me has always been a little difficult for me.  Still there is a part of intrigue that comes with a world wide web presence.  We can be whoever we want to be and even those who are closest to us may never know the depth of our being.  In that I can see both great and terrible things.  For me it is the ability to share with strangers with wonder if anyone really reads this, if so are they getting anything out of my words or is it just fluff?