Thinking Diva

Tonight was a huge reminder that I am who I am.  I believe that the core of our being is planted when we are very young.  No matter what happens along the way, that embedded core transforms into personality traits which in turn leads to our purpose and our being.  I believe that what we experience at a very young age and how we choose to interpret it creates who we will become.  I think that depending on the early experience (between the age of two to maybe ten) we place meaning on what happens, and then we continue to experience that throughout life based on the meaning we gave the experience.

Tonight was my WMBA (Woman’s Music Business Association) annual cocktail party and yearly award ceremony at the Acorn in Nashville.  As always I went alone, sat at a table alone the first 30 minutes as we all ate and after a glass of wine I was relaxed enough to mingle.  As a child I would always sit in the back corner of the room as I did tonight, my reason for this is so that I won’t draw attention to myself (as if no one wonders why the chick in the back of the room is sitting alone).  Throughout life I never enjoyed being in front of people, never enjoyed being the center of attention, never wanted to be called upon in class and I never wanted to win anything because I hated the thought of being in front of a crowd.  I believe it stems from my story (in earlier blog post) with kids making fun of me because of my speech impediment and I do realize at 45 that this is all self inflicted.

As I sat there tonight another trait from my childhood resurfaced, that of not paying attention.  I have always had a difficult time staying focused and using my time wisely.  These days it is referenced to as ADD and although I will not allow myself to be tested or to accept that title I do believe there is some truth that I may have a small percentage of this behavior.  I recently found an early report card (image attached) that stated that I needed improvement in those areas and it serves as a reminder that those issues have carried through to today some 36 years later.  I find it interesting those report card notes from my early years are still a part of who I am today.

As the award show started I quickly lost attention and struggled to stay focused on what was being said.  My friend Dina sent a text, she is leaving in the morning from New Orleans and wanted to know if I was interested in splitting a sack of raw oysters upon her return.  Being from Florida I couldn’t resist the temptation and as I was responding to her text quietly in the back of the room my name came across the loud speaker.  Like a deer in the headlights I looked up to see the whole room staring at me and clapping their hands.  In that moment fear gripped my entire body, somehow I was able to walk to the front of the room, not knowing why exactly but realizing I had won some award.  The microphone was handed to me and I was asked to speak…crickets.  I had no idea what I was just awarded nor did I have a clue what to say, so, as I have learned with age the best path to take is honesty.  I admitted that I was not paying attention, I was texting for oysters, showed the crowd gratitude for the award and nervously in my moment of embarrassment (auto pilot kicked in) I rambled off some story from my childhood and walked away ashamed.

With age I have come to realize that emotions pass very quickly when you don’t allow yourself to hold on to them.  My embarrassment subsided and later I was approached with congratulations and only wished I knew what for, the award was titled “Extra Mile Award”.  I have not won an award in many, many years so I am very honored to have won.  The WMBA is a wonderful organization and I feel privileged to be a part of it.  Although I do not feel I have done anything to earn an award I must have done something because I was voted in and it is with great honor.

Tonight, I learned a big lesson, texting is not only bad to do while driving but it is also bad to do at an award show.  I am glad that I was able to bring some laughter to everyone in the room tonight and I think with my new “Extra Mile Award” title I will go the extra mile and say even if some of my not so desirable traits are still with me from my childhood, I will use them in ways that bring laughter to others!  Yes my humiliation for some reason always brings laughter and I am ok with that because that brings me joy.  Sending love until next time…

The older I get the more I notice that I feel others sadness when dealing with the embarrassment of public humility.  It is the biggest reason I tend to watch less tv, especially the news.  It seems that no matter how thick our skin is there are times that something said can affect us in a negative and hurtful way.  We are often too busy worrying about what others think about us or we are passing judgment about others and we forget we all originated from the same cloth.  Tiger Woods is a perfect example, though I do not agree with his actions I believe the media has taken it too far, let the man deal with his bad choices on his own and in private.  It amazes me and saddens me that our society gets so much pleasure in others pain and humility.

In my younger-past life I was very sensitive to others opinions, to the stares of those who seemed to look down on me and to those who did not like me no matter how hard I tried to make them think differently.  I worked hard to be accepted and wanted everyone to love me.  I would sometimes do things I did not want or agree with for acceptance.  Thank God I am still here to talk about them because some of the things I did in my teens could have taken my life had the circumstances been different in even a split second of the moment.

I struggled in elementary school with a speech impediment that made me different, it made other kids talk down to me and it hurt.  While they were out playing kick ball, laughing and having fun I was in a classroom trying to learn how to talk like everyone else.  As I grew older those internal feelings grew and I allowed them to manifest into something I believed not something that truly was.  I never felt I was good enough, I never felt pretty enough and I allowed my thoughts to take over my choices by settling.  I stayed in relationships that offered reinforcement on my belief through manipulation because I thought I deserved less.  I never trusted because in my mind everyone was planning to hurt me, I was outwardly doing everything I could to be accepted but privately I was sad and very alone.  I believed that loving yourself meant that you were selfish and self centered and I had become a victim in my own thinking, I was living my story…one that I myself created in my own mind.  The person here before you now is very different from that person, although at times some of those old thoughts may resurface I am always aware and I am able to find my true self, that self that I know I love.

For me something happened…something shifted somewhere around the time I entered my forties.  Perhaps it was the mere fact that I finally began the battle of wanting to love myself and except, honor and be grateful for what I had, what I was and who I am.  I think the real factor was that I was truly tired of the struggle, of the sadness and I wanted to figure out how to be happy.  Wouldn’t it be great if we all could find that early in life so that discovering the truth self-love creates for us could be experienced by all.  Imagine how much more happiness we could have encountered in our lives if this were the case, now imaging how much more happiness your children could have if you teach these things to them now.

The idea for this post came to mind when I remembered an episode that happened on the playground in 1st grade way back when I was struggling with my speech impediment and my feeling of not fitting in.  I was friends with an african american girl named Karen and we would often take turns throwing the basketball after school on the basketball courts.  It is hard to believe that where I grew up there were practically no african american people who lived or went to school with me and there were no other ethnic kids in our school.  Even today I hate that we have to use titles to represent the color of skin (or sexual preference) to define a person who is not a straight caucasian.  On this particular day as we walked to the basketball court two boys started saying awful, judgemental things to Karen because of her color.  It was obvious she was used to being talked down to in that way and she began to walk away as the boy’s continued with their rudeness.  For whatever reason and without even thinking about my actions I stood next to her with a basketball planted between my arm and resting on my hip full of attitude and confidence as I told the boys we were staying and were playing whether they wanted us to or not.  Through her humility on that day in that instant I saw a faint smile and she stayed there with me regardless of the fear she was feeling.  At the time I did not realize what an impact that must of made on her but she stayed my friend until we moved on to different schools.  I never saw her as a color but as a girl that I liked to hang out with and I have to thank my mother for those morals because she always told me that I should always treat others as I would want to be treated because in Gods eyes we are all the same.

Most of my life I allowed myself to experience humility and felt it was what I deserved, boy did I have that all wrong and now I realize it was something I made up in my own mind.  I believe that this is the reason I have always felt drawn to those who are different, to those who might be considered strange, damaged or less fortunate…perhaps it is the reason I want so badly to give something back and to make others feel good about themselves.

In my quest the greatest lesson I have learned is that you can’t make everyone love you no matter how hard you try but you can make your thoughts about what people think or say mean NOTHING….it is all how you think and what you allow yourself to believe.  Most of the time we have it all wrong in believing that someone else is even thinking about us.  Insecurity runs rampant when we allow it to but we always have the choice to love ourselves enough for it not to matter.  This is what I choose, this is who I have become and my hope is that if I can touch even just one person out there in a way that changes their self-thought in a positive way I have made some sort of difference.  As always I am sending love to all because love is the truth of why we are here.  The greatest thing you can do in life is to give love and compassion so pass it on….