Thinking Diva

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!

2009, it is finally here, thank God!  I have set the resolutions in motion and so far I am doing pretty good.  Like so many others, on the top of the list is to get healthy, eat better and lose some weight.  I have always been one to work out regularly so that is not a problem area for me but the eating healthy is another thing.  I have stepped up the cardio a bit, changed the weight training regiment and cleaned out the fridge and pantry of the bad stuff and replaced it with good, healthy food (ok there are still a few bad things in there but I am feeling strong).  The first few days were pretty easy but now I am starting to crave some of the really bad foods that I had no problem eating when I was in my 20′s.  I confess pizza and wings, especially during football season are my toughest things to give up.

Other things on the list for this year include working harder on marketing, spending more time creating art, being more patient with life and other things, being grateful every single day-even on the bad ones, learning to trust again and getting back into the dating game (that will take a bit longer), getting outdoors more this summer, blah, blah, blah.  The bottom line is being a better person, giving something back and feeling good about who I am.

So with all that here are a few things I have realized coming into the new year….

• if you are trying to cut back on coffee don’t meet a friend at a coffee shop
• if you are feeling weak with bad food urges don’t watch the food or travel network…especially the man vs. food show
• eating more protein makes you toot..or is that all the fresh veggies?
• soy milk is actually not that bad but tofu sucks, and so do those veggie burgers, but if you like them I have a whole box from costco you are welcome to have
• I heard on some radio show the other day that cucumbers lift a woman’s libido…to hell with the cucumbers try being single and not dating for 10 months ( I will address this in the next blog…)
• don’t go to a mexican restaurant if you don’t want to eat the chips or drink margaritas…at least not if you are weak like me in those areas
• never, ever put message oil on your skin right after a bath…trust me on this one
• if I were truly a starving artist I would be able to fit into those skinny jeans…you know the ones we all have in the closet
• those who say sex is over rated have obviously never had great sex
• one wrong letter in a word when sending a text on an iphone can really change the entire meaning of what you are trying to say…example you ask: “this exercise bike is licking my ass” when what I meant to say was “this exercise bike is kicking my ass,” keep laughing Amy!
• puppies like to chew things…that includes dirty underwear so be sure to keep them out of reach
• I enjoy being behind the camera not in front of it
• it is really hard to work out with a puppy in the room (but easy to laugh)
• the movie “The Notebook” will make you cry every time you watch it, and when you’ve been single for a long time any romance will make you cry
• wine tasting = wino’s….most of the time
• there is no such thing as portion control when you pop a bag of microwave popcorn  at home by yourself
• if a dog barfs you have approximately 11 seconds to take care of it or he will do it for you
• wrinkles really suck and no cream seems to help…but drinking a few glasses of wine before looking in the mirror does seem to make the person looking back at you better looking
• no matter how many years fall between you and your divorce, there are times you still breakdown, weather it’s the memories of the good times, the bad or just the reality that you made a vow under God for life and failed.
• those new Braun electric toothbrushes ROCK!!
• irritation sets in quick when the remote doesn’t work
• I don’t care what anyone say’s…COLD weather sucks!  I would rather be sitting in a hammock in the sun reading a book than sitting in my bed with 3 layers of clothes trying to stay warm…NES hiking the fuel cost on my electric bill hasn’t helped things!
• puppy breath soon turns into poopy breath
• in a split second your life as you know it can change into something you never thought before, be grateful for what you have, cherish every minute, love everyone and believe that there is still lot of good around you…without a positive outlook, even through the darkness, we don’t have a prayer finding happiness.  With it we can live our dreams, I truly believe that!

So puppy is not much of a puppy any longer….you would think with the size of those ears he would hear the word NO!!

My new buddy...Deisel

That’s all for now but please share your realizations, I am sure you have a few!

pa·tience

noun-the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

adjective - enduring or capable of enduring hardship or inconvenience without complaint.

As I am working on being a better person I am also working on having more patience with how I do things, with the decisions I make and with life in general. In the past I always moved fast, reacted quickly and made discisions spontaneously. That being said…and knowing that spontaneity can be a good thing I often found myself in uncomfortable or unpleasant situations. Without over analyzing this I think the reason is that I did not give myself time to let things sink in and I was always looking at what the result might be rather than paying attention to what was happening at the exact moment the decision was made. If you look at the divorce rate or at the number of people who are unfaithful I can bet that most of the decisions that led to those choices was due to the lack of patience.

Patience is not easy…it is not easy when people are preasuring you, it is not easy when your life is operating a hundred miles an hour or when passion or emotion come into play. It is something that many people may not have with you while you are practicing it. It is something that takes discipline and commitment. I recently read the book “A New Earth” and it has resonated in me in a way I can not explain. It is not because it states things I am not aware of or things that I had never heard of before but it is because of the new way those things were presented to me. One in particular is the part about being in the “NOW”. I have found myself at times sitting, walking or even driving and saying to myself what is it to just be…right here right now. It can be a very empowering moment if you are capable of stopping your mind and just being there in the moment. This being in the now is teaching me patience and the importance that it plays in my life as a whole. Some would say I am over thinking, that I am not being fair to those around me or that I am being selfish. All I can say is that I know in my heart it is making me a better person and that I am making better decisions because of it. For 43 years I lived worrying about what others thought of me or what they wanted of me or needed from me. By worrying about everyone else I never felt fulfilled with in my own skin because I was not paying attention to what I needed. Now it is about me…. what I think, what I want and what I deserve. Thats not selfish thats taking care of me first so that I can be a better person to those around me.

My patience is not intended to hurt anyone, it is not intended to make anyone uncomfortable or to create tension. For me, with patience, it is my intention to be fully aware of my emotions and intuitions as they are happening. To be sure before I act, make a decision or move in any forward direction. it is because I am ready and that I feel confident with the direction or choice that I choose. One step at a time as slowly as it might be in order to feel right for me. If others get upset or don’t want to wait around or feel neglected then they will make their choices based on what they feel and it is out of my control at that time. I love the saying…”no one can make you feel a certain way, you allow yourself to feel that way”. I think about that anytime I have feelings that I think someone else created within me. I see no reason to move fast anymore in my life. I want to look forward to each day as it is happening and to enjoy what each day brings. My life is half over and it seems like I got to 43 in a flash, I want to slow down.

I guess as stated in the definition of patience above the annoyance, misfortune, pain and irritation is perhaps what those not directly being patient feel. Perhaps they are the things felt directly or indirectly while experiencing patience. What ever the case it involves feeling something and today in a world where everyone seems to be numb I think feeling is a good thing. There is a quality that comes with patience. I want quality in my life, I deserve it and I will take my time to experience it. In the end I will know I made my decisions from paying attention and not rushing. Right now I believe that patience will lead me to a happier life and that is what I am looking for!!!

I have been told many times that I am a strong woman. Not just with how I handle life occurrences or because of the success of my business but also because I have packed my things 3 times in my life, relocated to a new city miles away from family and friends, not knowing anyone and started over. Each time was a difficult process and each time I was forced to think for myself, work harder in order to take care of myself and to live with courage. Finding Nashville, settling here and realizing I had found the place I belong has been the most satisfying life experience to date.

I have been told that I trust too easily. In many cases..most cases it has led me into bad relationships because I was too busy believing what I wanted about the other person, only seeing the good things and making the other person feel loved. I did not allow myself to see what was really going on or perhaps it was that I just did not want to admit it. I have experienced things in relationships that have made me stronger as a person and taught me that the most important thing in this life is to love yourself first, to take care yourself first and that in turn makes you a better person for those around you.

On many occasions I have been told that I don’t except compliments well and I have to admit that is true, I am getting better but it is something that is difficult for me because I have never been comfortable with attention being on me. Perhaps it is a bit of my shyness coming out and it is a little humbling at times.

Of all the things I can say about myself the one that I am most proud of is that I truly love others. I always give from my heart and no matter what the outcome might be I know I am compassionate, honest and that all intent toward the other person, weather it was a friend or a lover, has come from love.

I am telling you these things because these wonderful gifts were given to me by the most beautiful person in the world…my Mother. She instilled all of those things within me from the day I took my first breath and I am so grateful that she is my mother. She always encouraged me to dream big, to believe that anything is possible and most importantly to never treat anyone else in a way I would not want to be treated. She showed me strength with her hard work and her ability to bounce back from things that were difficult. Most of all she always….always showed me love and compassion and that I know has carried on to me as it did from her mother to her.

Today I am over 600 miles away from this beautiful woman I love so much. It has brought tears to my eyes many times not being with her to show her how much she truly means to me. A phone call never really feels as good as a hug and a smile. So this is to thank my mother for being such a beautiful person and to thank God for having chosen her for me. Though she will probably never see this post I plan to write a letter to her this week to tell her everything she means to me. It is something I have started every Mothers day but never finished nor sent. I want this year to be different if not for the fact that I am trying to be a better person it is for the fact that we never know what tomorrow will bring. My wish is to have many more Mothers day’s ahead with her but it is also important to me to know that she knows how I feel, that I am proud of her, that she did a great job raising me and that I love her. I think sometimes things are better said on paper because we sometimes tend to hold back when we are face to face. So to my Mother…the most beautiful woman in the world, I love you.

And one more thing I must say, there are 3 another women I must also thank who affected my life from the time I took my first breath. The first is my Grandmother Pearl Sutton, she adopted my father when he lost his mother at birth. She was a vital part of my life and it would take way to long to explain her important role in my life. I wrote a song about her that explains what she was to me (that is on another myspace page for you to find on your own-LOL). She not only showed me love but she introduced me to God and to this day I thank her for giving me that gift. I have to thank my Grandmother Louise Seiler (my mother’s mother) for giving me all the things my mom gave, we lost her last year and today I know my mother is missing here deeply. Lastly someone I consider to be like my second mom and is still a friend to my Mother today. Her name is Christi Comstock…I am forever grateful she was in my life as well. She is the person who set me into an artistic direction if life. She inspired me to be creative, to have an open mind and to be gentle and caring to others. She also showed me how to dream and will forever hold a special place in my heart. She lost her grandson a few months ago (another blog) and I know it is difficult for her with her loss and knowing what her daughter is feeling today.

As I just finished that last line above I realized how truly blessed I am to have had 4 beautiful, strong, loving women be a part of my life. Each has given me something I am proud to now call my own. I may never have children to pass those things on to but I will live my life giving those things from my heart to others knowing that just like those beautiful 4 women it all stems from love….it would be nice to know you might be willing to pass it on!

Before I get started I want to say I try hard to keep my blog’s positive but we can’t always be positive. We all experience low points and I want to share this day regardless of how it may appear…positive or not. I am human and this has been a downer of a day. There are some personal things going on in my life that I don’t want to get into and I am sure that they factored into this Easter day but I want to share the other parts..mainly to let them go and hope that maybe someone can relate. It will be long that I am sure of, it is very rare that I am without words.

I did not sleep very well last night. I was up early…5am. It is Easter and I have already decided to go to church…something I have not done in a while. I am very spiritual and I believe in God but I have had a difficult time finding a church I feel comfortable with, I have had a hard time with organized religion because of some experiences in the past. I do not feel it is right to judge others especially in church and it saddens me that so many do. God does not judge, he is always there for us and realizes we are human and not perfect. It is my belief that he doesn’t care what color you are, what religion you choose or what sexual orientation you are and I don’t feel it’s is right for a church to judge especially acting under God. OK so as usual I have gotten off of the subject here. It is also my 43rd birthday today. When I awoke I was immediately sad. After doing 3 loads of laundry and anxiously trying to find something to occupy my time I showered, tried several outfits on, hating everything in my closet and finally settling for some blue dress paints with a brown shirt. I have wanted to go to a Sunday service at the Nashville Center for Spiritual Living after going to a Friday night movie by Louise Hay there a month or so ago. They state their belief is that of God but in the realm of spiritual enlightenment and abundance. A new language for me over the past year or so based from readings of Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, Jack Canfield and others. That was my destiny for Easter Sunday.

So today as I had my first cry around 6:30AM I also had a thought…Easter is the celebration of Jesus resurrecting and the fact that I am dealing with some life changing events and it being my birthday struck a chord. Although it felt very positive I was still sad and unsure of the entire reason why. Perhaps finally after 43 years of making crappy decisions with love this was a sign of new things to come. Of resurrection and new beginnings. I have done well over the past several months. I have stayed positive and things I never imagined could come my way in my career are happening. Today it did not matter how hard I tried to keep my thoughts positive I was just sad. I have never cared much for having birthdays, I do not deal with being the center of attention very well although my humor often makes it happen without choice. That is why I never advertise my birthday and today was no exception. I have told no one.

Feeling sad and having doubts about leaving the house I forced myself to go to the church. As I sat close to the back (so I could make a quick escape in the end) I felt uncomfortable being there alone and not knowing anyone or what to expect. Struggling to control my thoughts and tearing up I noticed a familiar face…my friend Shauna was taking a seat right in front of me, when we realized we were both there I felt a bit more comfortable. I also felt it was strange that out of all the churches in town she just happened to be trying the same one as I was. The service was different but in a good way. At the end for what ever reason I almost lost it when everyone joined hands and swayed while singing a song then raising all of our hands in the end. The energy was amazing, I felt so connected and I was fighting with all I had to keep from crying. I could no longer hold back for some reason when Shauna turned to see what I thought and my tears started hers. We hugged, she invited me to lunch with friends, I declined and promptly lost her in the hall as I made my way as quickly as possible to my truck to go home. Once again crying, feeling crappy and sad I decided to stay busy. Mowed the grass, weed eat was a pain to get started after winter, washed the truck and finished the last 2 loads of laundry finishing the day with a long hot bath, crying…crying …crying eating bad food, drinking a half bottle of wine and finding myself here.

Ok…blah, blah, blah but here is the deal. Why am I so sad. I know as much as I hate to admit it, it is partly because it is my birthday and I am getting old. As a woman age is not a glamorous thing. Men seem distinguished and experience it much more willingly. None of my friends either know or have offered to have dinner or a drink. I can’t blame them I gave no notice and now I am feeling sorry for, well ME. So I have to wonder what this is all about for me. I love my alone time but today I didn’t want to be alone even though I made every effort to be alone. I even lied to my Mother after her third call saddened that I was spending my special day alone saying I wanted to be alone and I was happy. Truth is I am not happy, tomorrow I will be I can assure you that but today I am not. Today I am lonely, sad and an emotional cry baby. I do feel this is some sort of awakening, I am hoping to have more insight by the time I finally get to bed later tonight. I can say I have found some pleasure after happening upon an old childhood favorite movie “The Sound of Music”. It brings back so many nice young feelings reminding me of how I had so much belief in love, fairy tale love I guess. I think now is a good time to cut out, I think I will go read. I know that sometimes we just need to let go in order to discover, I hope that is what this is. My desire is to learn how to live fearlessly…stay tuned!

What do you say to someone when they lose a child…I have tried all week to connect with an old childhood friend who is like a sister to me, she lost her 16 year old son last Sunday in a car accident. My sister called from Ocala around 10:30 AM last Saturday crying and the my first thought was that something bad has happened. The hardest part of living in Nashville is I am so far from my family and you realize how helpless that makes you in a time of emergency. When she told me that Kim’s son had been in an accident around 9:00 AM and had been air lifted to Shands in Gainesville I knew it was bad. After hanging up the phone I felt as if I was loosing one of my family members. I got on my knees for the first time in a long time (atleast the getting down on my knees part) and prayed. As much as I hate to admit it something deep inside me said he would not make it, it actually made me mad that I thought it because I did not want to be negative under the circumstances and I wanted to believe there was still hope. Because I am practicing the law of attraction and trying to find my inner spirit I have been paying more attention to my inner thoughts, atleast the ones that I feel are leading me somewhere. That thought was not one I wanted to feel or believe at the time.

I grew up in a small town called Salt Springs on a lake about 30 miles outside of Ocala, Florida. My closest friends were Kim and her brother Lamar (AKA Marzie) Gay. Their mother, Christi was and still is like a second mother to me. There is a closeness with them that I can’t explain. Even though years often go by with out connecting, when we finally do, it is as if it were yesterday we were running through the woods playing. I have always felt a special bond…a closeness to them that never goes away even after 40+ years. Perhaps because we spent atleast our first 14+ years of life growing together. My family with their family. It was very special and contains many of my most memorable childhood experiences. So much so that I feel Christi (Kim’s mom) is the main reason I pursued art and became a photographer. Christi was a graphic designer and artist and my earliest memory as a child was her giving Marzie and I some artistic project to keep us entertained. Lamar, her husband at the time (their father) was very artistic as well.

On Sunday my sister called me around 10 AM to tell me that Kim’s son, Daniel (Danny) Walrath had passed away from the head injury he suffered from the accident. I was in Costco and tried to hold it together until I got home. I closed the bathroom door and sat on the floor feeling sad and empty as the tears fell. I have struggled with the fact that at 42 I more than likely will not have kids in my lifetime. I missed the boat on that one, by settling into unhealthy relationships time and time again and have been feeling a bit uneasy with the fact that I will never experience what most people say is the most gratifying part of life…having a child. So as I sat there on the floor thinking about how awful this was I couldn’t fathom what it might feel like to lose your own child. This whole week I have felt the weight of Danny’s death and the pain they all must be going through and I am sad. Life is full of so many surprises and I just don’t understand. Some of the things that have gone through my mind this week after being sad and then mad is why does God take someone so young with so much to look forward to in their future. Why not take someone like me, I have no obligations to anyone other than myself and I am not making any earth shaking acts of goodness in this world. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Over the past week I have tried several times to reach both Christi and Kim by phone to say….well what ever it is you are supposed to say. I did leave a message for Christi and after breaking down on the message wondered how badly I would upset her in person if I couldn’t even hold it together with voice mail. Even now typing this the tears keep coming and it all still feels so hard to believe. Today they had the viewing and Saturday will be the funeral. My mother had already told them I would be unable to attend the funeral and they understand. They have said with the overwhelming number of friends and family, connecting by phone means so much more.

So after a week of thinking about all this, the only conclusion I can come to is that we all have a purpose on this earth, something that we were put here to do, that we may not know or understand and mine surely is still to come. Somehow, someway I want to make a difference. And Daniel’s purpose…well, perhaps it was to touch all the lives of those he came across in the 16 short years he lived and to remind us how precious life is. That we have no idea when it will be our time or someone we love’s time to go. Tell the people you love that you love them and tell those who are important to you that they matter, don’t just think about it DO it, you may not have another chance.

Tomorrow I will once again try to reach Kim by phone. So what do you say to someone when they lose a child…it seems so much harder by phone than to just show up with no words and give a hug. The only thing that comes to mind right now is that I am sorry and I love her like a sister, she is and always will be family to me.

My friend Jeremy say’s it best in this song….

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=27694869

In loving memory of Daniel (Danny) Walrath RIP.

Life holds so many secrets and many times uncovers things that so often make no sense. Belief seems to be my primary source of comfort both when I am at my lowest point and when I am at my highest point in life. Through a lot of personal work over the years I have uncovered my stories, tried hard to let them go rather than bury them and move forward so that I could change my path in life. I have lived through good and bad times, feel as though I have made a lifetime of mistakes (as we all do) and have no hard feelings nor blame for anyone but myself. I put myself in every situation I was in right or wrong and knew in my gut if it felt right or wrong when I was in each place. It was in those times that I knew and never paid attention or didn’t want to believe that the situations was wrong for me. I choose to snub the inner voice and let things take a path that time proved was not supposed to be, each time for the hope of being loved and finding happiness. Those are the choices that I have learned the most from and I know now that they were all made for only one reason. I want love… to be loved and to feel loved and that can not happen until I love me. I have said it over and over and will probably say it again but at least now it is a constant thought. I can’t sort of love me or sometimes love me, I have to love who I am and be ok with me, there is no other way, it cant work outside of me until it works with in me. I have known that and fought with it all my life.

Tonight however I had an profound thought…..that enormous light bulb went off and I pondered this “loving me” knowledge from a different perspective. There is another side to this I never really thought of before now, it is a two way street, I can not be loved or feel loved by someone who does not love them self. It can’t work, it doesn’t work and it has not worked in any of my past relationships. It was not necessarily that the choices were bad it was more the fact that, in my opinion, none of the men of my past truly loved themselves and because of that they were incapable of loving me. Now don’t get me wrong…that does not make up for infidelity, dishonesty or verbal abuse but it does make since. Seeing that, believing that and knowing how it all works it is now my belief that to find true and meaningful love you have to first love yourself and then you will attract that love back into your life because you will see what is healthy and what is not. When you become healthy inside you bring healthy people into your life. It is no different than if you are rich and successful you draw rich successful people into your life. If you are angry and unhappy you draw angry and unhappy people into your life…and on it goes.

I guess we all feel we learn more from the mistakes than from the good things, I only wish we could focus more on the good things and less on the mistakes. I have been sad for a while, hopeful at times and unsure of the road ahead. I can’t say what won’t be happening next year but I can say with great assurance that it will hold many new and wonderful things for me both personally and in business. I have put it into motion and will only allow happiness to come my way. I am tired, I want to smile, I want to laugh and I want to…well just be happy. Right now I am willing to myself great times, great friends and lots of money! Love….well, the only focus on love for now is to love me, to focus on what I need to do and to get myself together so that I can love and be loved the way it was intended. I am grateful for everything I have and I have plenty. I am grateful for all that I have had both right and wrong because it has brought me to this place…this place of thinking, acceptance, admission, certainty, conclusion, confidence, expectation, faith, feeling, intuition, knowledge, mindset, thinking, trust and understanding. In that sentence is everything I have been searching for, for the past 42 years, if I had only looked at the Rogets Thesaurus sooner….see for yourself!

http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/belief

I am not sure why but it seems I always get sad this time of year. I am not sure if it is because of the cold weather, the upcoming holiday’s or just age creeping in on me. It was this time of year when I asked my husband for a divorce many years ago, in fact it has since been around this time of year that most of my past relationships have ended. This is the time of year my work slows down and money gets tight, when that happens it is often hard to stay happy. It was this time last year that my good friend and mentor Rusty Flynn came through town…later near Christmas I would learn he ended his life because of a life long battle with depression. I lost my grandmother this year and I miss her dearly, it is even harder to know that this is the first holiday season in my mothers life that she will not celebrate with her mother.

I have made an effort here to keep my blogs uplifting, to always end on a positive note no matter how down I was at the time of posting. I will do my best to uphold that with this one but at the same time I feel the need to just get the words and feelings out no matter where they might lead. That being said I guess I will say this in advance, no matter how positive people may appear on the outside as human beings we all have times of darkness and struggle where we have to face our inner fears. The positive only comes after we reflect on the negative and it only comes if we put an effort into believing that something good always happens from our suffering. We can choose to stay in a sad state and live with out hope or we can choose to allow sadness to come and know that in time it will pass if we believe it is so. The power of our mind and our thoughts is within us and as difficult as it is to control the ability to learn how to do so and the discipline that it takes is the difference between living a life of abundance or living a life of mediocrity.

These feelings have been following me for a few weeks now and I can’t figure out a solution. I have searched my mind over to figure out where this sadness is coming from within me, what is the cause and how can I fix it. The answer…is actually more of a question, and it makes it that much more difficult to answer. Why is it that I so often feel so lonely, so empty. Is this something we all feel or is it just one of those things that over time has become part of “my story”. I have heard over and over that if you believe there is a God and what he or she stands for, that you can’t be lonely. I do believe there is a higher power and I believe this is only a place we start from, that there is much more after we are gone but I still feel lonely. Am I doing something wrong? I have also heard that if you love yourself you bring worth to your inner being and it seems to me that in turn there would be no feeling of loneliness because you would feel content. I still feel lonely. I will admit that loving myself is still a struggle but it is getting better.

So my story…the one of loneliness. Well I was not abandoned as a child nor was I left by a parent but I did spend a lot of time alone. In fact, even now I love being alone, sometimes I believe too much. I have a wonderful family, I have always felt loved by them and always known that no matter what, they have always been there for me. As a child the 4 year difference in age of my younger sister, the fact that my parents worked a lot and that we lived in the country made for many hours a day alone, usually after school. I would sit under my favorite patch of pine trees, lie on my back watching the clouds roll by over head and daydream. Often I would write but mostly it was just about lying there and thinking. What I thought of back then…other than wanting to be a singer/artist and I am sure boy’s, I can’t really say for sure but I know I was very reflective and very introverted. Even when my parents were home I spent a lot of time in my room or in my little jonboat floating in the stillness of the quiet lake we lived on. I don’t really remember being sad but I do remember feeling alone. I guess if I felt alone I more than likely was sad now that I think about it. Over the years it has always been there, especially in my relationships. So does that mean I expect more from those I date or does it mean I somehow attract people into my life who continue to give me that empty and alone feeling because I am getting something out of it. Maybe my “addiction” to loneliness causes me to seek out those types of people because they continue to feed me that from which I am subconsciously seeking. That sounds so stupid but we do repeat things, good or bad that make us feel comfortable. Comfortable not necessarily in a “feel good” way but in a complacent way because it is easy.

Lately I feel even more lonely when I see children. It saddens me that I may never experience the love that is exchanged with being a parent, knowing you are needed and loved in a unconditional way and loving in the same respect. So how is it that I have a wonderful family and so many incredible, loving friends but I can still feel so alone at times…so empty. And why is it in those times when I feel so alone that I don’t want to be around anyone, it just doesn’t make any sense…

I am not sure of what to share today but when I got out of bed I thought… its time to blog so here I am.

Hmmm…I will start with health and age because I am feeling a little stiff this morning. This year I turned 42, it is tough to say that number and I believe age for women is so much more difficult because in our minds our appearance is what we are focused on more than anything else. The lines on my face are becoming more prominent and things are changing that no matter what I do I can’t seem to stop. I feel pretty healthy, other than those extra pounds I always want to rid of, overall I feel good about myself for my age. I work out 5 to 6 days a week, I am not a fanatic but I do try to do something active that accounts as exercises each week. Honestly it helps my body to hurt less and keeps my stress level down so I am quite dedicated in that regard. My job requires a lot of strength with all the gear I have to tote around so I have to stay fit. On Wednesday I went to a new/used bookstore off of Charlotte. This place was packed with books, videos and music. I found myself looking through fitness DVDs. In the 90′s I used to do Billy Blanks Tao Bo video series religiously. Looking through the DVDs I though…I am in good shape lets go with the hardest, longest one for the buck “Billy Blanks Elite Boot Camp”. Last night I skipped the cardio at the gym and went to the basement to try it out. I made the first 30 minutes with no problem but DAMN…that last 30 liked to kill me! My ass was burning so bad I had to stop at intervals during the work out and wait for the burn to stop. Some of the words that came from my mouth were “damn, holy shit, you have to be kidding me and no way”…after the video I wobbled up the stairs drenched in sweat, took a hot shower, ate a salad and followed it with a cup of sherbert. Billy definitely broke me. So far this morning I have doused my neck with liquid heat and tried to pop my back and neck to ease the tension on my right side, my butt is not hurting yet but usually that takes a day or so. I figure if I can do that video once a week I will have an ass of steel and be healthier than I ever imagined a video could make me…or need a chiropractor and a neck brace. Over all with age I can say I have more confidence and I don’t beat myself up as much as I did when I was younger. It might be that “I just don’t give a damn what you think” factor. In fact a friend gave me a shirt last week that said “my give a damn is busted” because she said she thought it was me. That comes when you have spent most of your life worrying what others think about you and one day you realize what matters is what I think because I have to live with myself!

This summer has been busy with work and I am so thankful for all the good that has come to me over the past year. I have found solace in reading books on topics like “The Law of Attraction”, “The Secret”, “Beyond Positive Thinking” and Wayne Dyer has definitely made a change in me that will stay with me the rest of my life. Every morning before I get up I run through my list of intentions and I am grateful. Each night I am grateful and with that thinking things seem to be more peaceful in my life.

So this blog is not packed with great words of wisdom, maybe the stiffness in my neck is hampering my ability today. If you have made it through my jabber to this point I want to ask those of you who practice this “power of intention” way of thinking….will you share with me? If you have a story or something that will motivate me please tell me. Things are really weird when you start changing the way you have thought all your life, you have to BELIEVE or nothing happens. The more I BELIEVE the more things seem to happen. A few weeks ago I had a dream about a guy from high school who dated my best friend, I could not remember his name but his face was clear. It was more a memory than anything, an event that happened, replayed in my mind. I spoke with my Mom earlier this week and she asked if I remembered a guy named Joe ____ from school, it didn’t mean much at first but as she told me of the plane crash I realized it was the same guy I had thought of earlier. Weird. So since that time my mind feels a little cloudy, I keep thinking did I somehow make this up. Was the dream after that fact. The past few months have been like that, the more I practice intending what I want, letting go of my control and allowing things to come to me the more it seems to happen. It is not easy because I find myself being skeptical and falling back to some of my old ways. Weird things are happening though. People will call that I am thinking of, I will be sitting in the office hoping that a job will come my way, and the phone will ring. Weird, beautiful things. Gratitude seems to be the most important thing of all and my heart gets weak when I think of how gifted I have been in my life. Life is so busy and slowing down is important for our well being. That being said there is one more thing I want to include here that just popped into my mind. There is a woman on myspace who emailed me a year or so about my blogs and what they meant to her. I signed up for her blog but never really check them because I it seems I am always too busy. The other day out of the blue I got a myspace blog update and I went to her space and began reading. Tears fell as I read of her struggles. I am going to include her page link here because I think she could use some love. I have been without words as to how to respond to her but felt compelled each day. Today will be the day…if you have the time maybe you could do the same. I believe we all come from the same place and when we leave we go back to that place. I hate that we try so hard to be above others and that we judge when we are here it is not what we were put here to do. Give love and you will receive love, that is all we really need to find happiness in this life. Her name is ELE…here is her link:

http://www.myspace.com/iamele

So here I am, my motivation is in overdrive, I feel good and I am going a hundred miles a minute. I may look 42 but I feel like I am still 20 something, ready to conquer the world. Best part is I don’t have the depression or insecurity I had at 20…just a few more aches and pains. So the lesson here, a burning butt and a clear mind makes 42 not look so bad! So there is my 42 and a few other things…

I have been trying to spend more time alone and in silence lately because I feel as if my life has been on auto pilot, out of control and I have had no direction. It has been months since I have written or even had the desire to do so and that is not like me. Life has taken hold spun me around and passed me by. Stumbling around, going with the flow I had to stop, turn it all off and just think…in silence.

At first it was awful, uncomfortable and it made me restless. I have always admired those who had the ability to meditate because I cant seem to slow my thoughts down on any given day until I pass out from exhaustion. How do they do it, how do they find the calmness and the control. SILENCE!!

I am realizing that with silence comes the ability to experience calmness. With calmness comes clarity and it is something I have needed for a long time. No tv, no music, no chatter just silence. Im always trying to change things about myself, I feel Ive been in flux and that I have had no control. When your mind and heart hurt you tend to try and stay preoccupied in order to not focus on what your problems are. Chaos keeps us from facing things that might not be pretty or that we dont want to admit to ourselves. Silence covers up nothing and all that is, takes on a new meaning, everything becomes real. At first your mind tends to run a thousand miles an hour thinking in all different directions. You may be restless or bored and just want to do something, anything. Sadness may visit for a moment or for several but then if you give yourself enough time something beautiful happens. You experience clarity, you start to think clearly and with no distractions. You start to realize what you dont like and what you do. Your body feels truly relaxed and so does your mind. So many people today never experience silence unless it is when their eyes are closed and they are asleep. Many people hate silence and have no idea why…they always have to have the tv or radio on or be doing something to keep busy. Many are scared of silence and I believe there are many that couldnt handle it. Accustomed to noise, even if just a distraction keeps the mind numb. Noise keeps you from having to think or atleast from having to focus. Why is it that we are only asked to be silent in the memory of someone…is it because that is what it takes to remember.

I feel like the world is just a bunch of noise, or perhaps that life is noise and I just want to stop. I need a moment to collect my thoughts. To figure out with complete clarity what the hell it is I am supposed to be doing, what am I here for. I know it cant be to keep falling down just to pick myself back up. My hope for now is that if I can learn to be silent, just for a moment it will be long enough to save myself from being swallowed by a life that is speeding by way too fast. I want to stop, I have to stop, turn it off and just think…