Thinking Diva

I slept in today and that is not something that happens often.  I actually was awake but couldn’t (for some reason) bring myself to want to get out of bed.  Today is Valentines Day and all week leading up to today I have read post, received emails and talked to friends who were dreading the day’s arrival.   “Love Stinks” parties and “Single Valentines” events for those sad souls who are without a partner.  Those who are in relationships complaining how the hype makes the holiday expensive with limited restaurant menu’s and expensive price tags.  All this stress over a day focusing on “LOVE”.   Why  do we really need a day to remind us to be grateful and celebrate the one or one’s we love.  Everyday we should be showing love and for a day that was created for the sake of love it seems so many are stressed out and wanting it to pass as quickly as possible.

I am happy today, my dad’s birthday was yesterday, this week several of my friends are celebrating their b-days and I have wonderful people I love in my life.  Today I started my day with a kiss and a hug to my big white pink eared dog and a call to my mom to say happy “V” day and “I love you”.  Sure, it would be great to have someone special to celebrate the occasion with and in time I will be in that place but I won’t need a “specific” day to remind me show love to that special someone, it will be shown everyday.

So I have to admit although I have been happy all week, grateful for the busy work week and looking forward to a little quiet relaxation time I have felt a little off.  I have been aware of it but not sure what it was about.  I avoided people all weekend and enjoyed spending time at home alone watching cheesy movies about falling in love.  I often with draw, I enjoy being alone at times, I am not feeling depressed in any way so although I am not feeling sociable I feel happy overall.  Perhaps I feel a little off because I am trying to use less sugar in my diet and have felt a little out of sorts over the experience and the failures at times.  I though it was the reason I was feeling restless all week and having a hard time focusing.

As I become a healthier person in mind, body and spirit I am learning that often things trigger past events in our lives.  That no matter how positive or happy we are there will always be times of reflection that might feel painful yet need to be experienced.  I believe these events happen because we need to be reminded of who we are, where we have been and by believing that happiness lies with in our own minds we keep moving forward.  These events are reminders for us to see the beauty in all things, good or bad, and to live life feeling and growing rather than being numb to the process.  More often than not if we keep a positive mind set and believe these events are there to help us grow we will see something beautiful on the other side from the experience.  Individually, for each of us this is our very own road of life, we make the decisions where and when to turn so we must live with where ever we end up!  I choose to be happy no matter where I land.

The truth is that Todd has been on my mind a lot this week and I think maybe Valentines is the trigger.  I have had some dreams of him, I have been missing him and I am sad that he is gone.  I never watch tv and this week found myself watching an episode of Celebrity Rehab, connecting so much with what was happening in the episode especially with the drama. For those of you who are new to my post, Todd passed away a year and a half ago of a drug overdose.  I dated him for two years prior and was unaware of his issues, after a year of dating and then moving in together I realized he had an addiction.  I tried to get him help and eventually had to break up with him because I could no longer handle his addiction.  It was a tough decision because I loved him dearly but I could no longer deal with the events that the drug and alcohol addiction had created in our lives, he died eight month later.  I have never been into drugs, I don’t even like to take aspirin and other than drinking alcohol on occasion I prefer to feel in control of my body, my mind and my actions.  I am very nieve to the habits and characteristics drugs create because I have no knowledge of what they do internally nor how they make you feel.  Now days everyone seems to be taking pharmaceutical drugs….personally I think these might be worse than any of the ones I knew about when I was younger.  The bottom line is that losing someone you love is tough especially when it is sudden and unexpected, it takes time to heal and although it gets easier over time things do resurface.  You do repeat the grieving process and remember the person who is no longer living.

Todd has been on my mind, although I have been happy this week there has been a slight unknowing sadness or feeling of being off.  I realized this morning while lying in bed that three years ago Todd had given me a beautiful saffire ring (not an engagement ring) for valentines, it was one of the most memorable and happy valentines I can remember ever having.

So here I am not sure why I am writing today but wanting to say something to lift my spirits and yours, at least those of you who may be feeling a bit down on this day of recognizing “LOVE”.  What I can say is this…I am ever so grateful that even though Todd has passed I had the opportunity to love him, to be loved by him knowing he loved me the best he could in light of his addiction and realizing that in life there are no guarantees.  We must remember to show our love to all those who are important to us, lovers, friends, family and even strangers.  Life is a constant learning platform with up’s and downs.  At times things may not seem fair, bad things do happen but the ability to think positive even when you might not be feeling it will make all the difference in your life and in being happy.

Love comes in many forms, kindness is the greatest and it is within all of us, it is free and always available to give. Today I am grateful for every single thing in my life.  Thinking of all those unfortunate people in Haiti and what they are having to endure makes me that much more grateful and makes me want to give more because I have the ability to do so.  Today I celebrate “Valentine Day” buy saying to all of you…those I know and those I do not, “I love you” for being who you are, for reading this and for being in my life.  Sending love out to everyone….until next time!  SMOOCH!!!!

Ahhh dating, we have all done it at some time in our life and know that it is either fun or not so fun.  This blog comes from my personal ideas of what I want when dating and what I have discovered I love about the process.  I have come to realize finally that in order to enjoy dating you must tell yourself  that you enjoy dating.  As I have said many times before your life reflects how you think.  I never allowed myself to enjoy dating in the past because in my mind I believed I hated it and that it was no fun to go through the uncomfortable process of meeting a stranger hoping to find love.  There will always be an occasional “BAD” date and definitely uncomfortable moments but I believe that when you decide to change your thoughts in a positive way things not only become fun but interesting!

To start I have never been very good at getting a date.  My girlfriends have said I don’t know how to flirt.  I am always that one girl that stands in the back or off to the side never making eye contact because of being shy.  My ex husband said he thought I was stuck up the first time he met me because of my being quiet and my stand-off-ish behavior.  My guy friends have said that I don’t pay attention and that overlook the interested guys and the opportunity to get a date.  I have discovered that once you embrace the idea many of these things fix themselves.  Getting a date can be as easy as smiling and making eye contact with someone I am interested in, figuring out where to find these men of attraction is a bit more difficult especially at 44.

My thoughts of dating in this very moment are that it is to be fun, be light hearted, and I must NOT be focused on wanting to find love.  I must allow time to happen and experiences to be as they are intended with no expectation knowing that if it is no longer fun I have the choice to move on.

I am in no way saying that I don’t want to be in a relationship nor that I’m not interested in finding love.  What I am saying is that dating is not necessarily those things and it can actually be fun, but only when you decide in your own mind that it can be.  I figure that if I spent half my life in relationships that I felt would not last and often was very unhappy in yet I stayed much longer than I should have…why not be single for a while and enjoy the experience solely for the sake of having fun and meeting new people.  I am learning that many times a date or a few might lead to the knowledge of  “this will never work” but can create a wonderful friendship.

I am a bit old fashion when it comes to dating, much like a young school girl in my thinking.  I’m shy with many aspects of  getting to know someone and I am always guarded when it comes to sex.  The other night I had a conversation with a man and he assured me that ALL men want sex and have it on their mind especially in the beginning stages of dating.  As a woman knowing this makes me a bit uncomfortable in how to act.  I often find myself being more reserved because I don’t want my date to perceive through playful flirting I want to sleep with him.  I was assured by my male friend that this is not the case with many women today and based on our conversation it is not uncommon for a woman to be intimate on the second or even first date.

While in the early stages of dating I prefer a guy to pursue me rather than my having to make an obvious effort although he will know that I am interested if I am.  My dating style is to be patient and get to know the guy for a while before becoming intimate, I don’t care what anyone says I feel sex changes things.

With all that being said I thought I would make a list of the things I have discovered that I love about the very early stages of dating so here is that list…even at 44 this sounds a bit elementary.

I LOVE…

*how good it feels when your date says “you’re really pretty”….and then says it again when he is walking away for the night

*when you get a text in the middle of the day you were not expecting that makes you smile and feel a little flushed at the same time

*when you look into the eyes of someone new that you are attracted to and feel excited knowing they are just as attracted to you as they look back

*when he purposely puts his arm around you for the first time and you realize how nice it feels

*how good flirting feels especially when it comes back to you

*the warmth of him sitting next to you without his actually touching you but your wanting him too

*anticipation of anything….and everything

*wanting him to hold your hand but waiting patiently for the moment to happen

*how even at 44 when a guy you have an interest in holds your hand for the first time and you still feel like that little girl did the first time a boy touched your hand under the table

*how on a blind date, if you are not interested or attracted you can still find humor in the situation and laugh about something, in that moment you realize it is a choice to either have fun…or not…or perhaps run

*when you realize he is not the right person as a mate but that you would love to be friends, he is mature enough (even if he wanted more) to realize a friendship could last a life time and quite possibly be better than a relationship ever could

*how silly,  fun and often romantic it can be to share food

*how goofy I am while trying to find something sexy to wear for a date with someone I am interested in, if only there were a hidden camera

*the nervousness of that initial introduction and the gentle ease of conversation when you know it is going well

*the anticipation of a kiss, wondering when it might happen and when it finally does feeling the butterflies take flight

*when your eyes meet and you get a strange feeling of shyness and warmth at the same time

*learning about the other person and watching their lips as they talk

*catching your self looking at their butt as they walk off to the bathroom and thinking how hot they look

*every aspect of body language and how interesting it can be from a nervous chin rub, the constant twirling of a coaster or a leg that moves enough to shake the table

*laughing, laughing and more laughing

*loosing track of time because you are having so much fun and then realizing it is really late…or early the next day

*the first kiss

*being attracted..did I mention butterflies?

*the nervousness of having them over to your place for the first time

*catching him looking at your breasts, feeling awkward yet flattered especially if he smiles with the embarrassment of being caught

*meeting his friends and noticing the secret buddy language that says you are the man for being be seen with this hot woman

*the smell of a good cologne and how it makes you more attracted to him because of how good he smells

*trying a new restaurant that neither of you have been to before

*how a slight touch and smile makes you blush when you are really into him

*the hug on the second date when you walk into the room or answer the door

*talking and laughing until morning without intimacy being any part of the equation knowing that in time that will possibly be a part of the equation

*discovering he loves something that you do

*his saying at the end of the first date….I would like to see you again

So I realize that there could be a list of the bad but I want to remain positive in my current state.  These are what things come to mind for now but there are sooo many more once you start to get your feet wet.  So as I end this post let me say I am having so much fun and truly for the first time in my adult life enjoying the act of dating.  What are your love’s I would enjoy knowing!  Until next time I am sending love out to you all…thank you for reading!

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!

What causes loneliness…something I have been pondering a lot the past few weeks.  I have always been one to enjoy my quiet time, my alone time, what I like to think is the time I am most creative.  Perhaps growing up in the country without a lot of friends close by, spending afternoons as a small kid alone in the woods with a notepad writing while mom and dad worked was the beginning of my life persona.  In that time it was safe for a child to roam alone and for me it was the birth of my being.  So lately my life is full, full of creative work time, full of phone talk to the family in Florida, full of friend time and full of summer fun.  For some reason lately I have a usually small yet sometimes larger feeling of loneliness within me I can’t figure out.  I have hardly dated over the past year, I have not really had an interest and in my past 8 years since my divorce felt I was wandering a bit, jumping in too soon and overlooking what I needed in relationships just to fill a void.  I told myself after the last relationship it was time to change, I set some rules with myself, to not allow myself to get serious, to not get involved and to allow myself to live a while as a single person, embrace it and be happy.  The past year has been just that, I have discovered who I am again, learned to be independent from a man and to wake up every day allowing myself to do what ever I want to do and worry about no one else but myself.  It has been liberating, it has been challenging and lately it has become…well, a bit lonely.  After living alone for most of the year I recently allowed a “guy friend” to move in and perhaps that is where my thoughts began to change, strangely where the loneliness began to start peeking its little head in my settled mind.  When you see two people showing affection and happiness with being together it is enlightening for old farts like myself, especially when it is someone you know.

I admit I have some issues to get over with regards to opinions of men and their wondering minds…hands and other parts, with commitment, exclusiveness and cheating.  Things that I am struggling with because of my past choices and with wanting to believe there are men who are different, I know there are good honest people who live with integrity in every choice they make out there.  My best GF who happens to be 10 years younger tells me I need to really work hard on these things because they will show up if I continuously focus on them in the negative rather than believing there is a positive side.  I take full accountability for my past choices both with life and with men, hold no blame in others and realize I knew the red flags early on but did not pay attention.  I made my own choices and no one made me make them.  I have absolutely no regrets with my life except maybe that I wished I had traveled abroad as a 20 year old.

With this post as always I am trying to be positive and honest, I need to fully acknowledge my fears with men…if only women had a body part they could think from to blame for uncontrollable actions, that actually sounds like a lot of fun.  Enough said, truth is we as human beings want to be with someone who we are attracted to, to be touched and to feel connected in a deeper way than just sexual.  At least that is what I choose to believe.  I would like to believe there are relationships out there where people truly feel connected and can see themselves with the same person even when they are old.  Call me a dreamer but I want a relationship that feels like the words of a great country love song where you feel every word is a reflection of you and the other person intertwined both in love and in companionship.  Keith Urban says it better than most for me….

In the past year I have seen what I want to believe was true love many times and it always makes me smile, believe and then feel a bit sad with loneliness.  So perhaps this loneliness I am feeling lately is my spirit nudging me, saying to me to let go of the past…really let go not just think I have, to see through new eyes- like a child believing there is only good out there as if never having had experience bad, nothing to compare to, trusting my gut and opening myself to the possibilities.  Someone once said to me as I was going through a broken heart, “just think Sheri, even though you hurt right now look how beautiful it is that you now have the chance to experience the wonderful feelings that come with falling in love with someone again…..”  I wish I could remember who said that to me because it has stayed with me over the years, through many breakups and still makes me smile.

So what is it that causes loneliness..I guess the lack of something that we really need to be human.  It is tough to have a completely balanced life, to have the beautiful relationship, the perfect career, to love yourself, to live with confidence and to be happy all of the time because there always seems to be something missing, something out of alignment.  I believe in my past (for myself) it was the lack of self love, confidence and the confusion of spirit…what some may call “God”.  For the first time in my life I am no longer confused with spirit and I talk to my God everyday because I realize it is a part of me, within me and not something out side of me I am trying to find.  Although I still want to lose a few pounds and hate seeing the visual result of age in my skin I am ok with who I am.  Maybe my recent loneliness is my spirit reminding me that because those things are aligned my fears with men need to be challenged and that it is time to fill that void.  To know that because the most important internal things have been conquered now it is time to allow myself to find something outside of myself to add to the fulfillment.  Knowing now that being happy with myself on the inside is key, because by loving myself first I can love someone else honestly and share who I am knowing if it is not right I am ok being alone.  I am ok, I really am and that makes me smile, still…it sure would be nice to have someone to hold me once in a while!

Ahhhh life is so grand with all it’s twist and turns, age is my journal of things learned, lost and discovered…life is so beautiful if you allow it to be and see with open eyes and an open mind!

How can a guy have multiply sex partners in the same week with out any feelings of regret and how can men be so excited about having sex and not be excited about falling in love?

Today as I as I was headed downtown to show my portfolio I was hit with the song “You Found Me” by the the Fray.  It was in that few minutes I had the realization I still have a lot of healing to do.  I actually remember hearing another song of theirs called “How To Save A Life” nearly a year ago on an episode of scrubs I watched with Todd.  It resonated then to our situation, it made me sad because he was so far gone into a sad and depressed state then, but this song…it rips my heart apart.  With his passing and the manner in which it happened every lyric of that song now haunts me.  I thought I had moved forward a little but now I realize that the healing is going to take a while maybe a long while, I am unsure, this was not just a break up it was a death.

I recently allowed my self to return to the dating scene, I have enjoyed the company but wonder if my resistance to move to fast shows. I am cautious, I am being careful, I don’t think I am very warm at times, I feel a little withdrawn, I am not really interested in being touched, I believe I am being smart and patient!  I want to get to know someone, to spend time, to laugh but from my experience so far it seems men want to move fast, they want to touch right away, is it just a sex thing?  Are women really being like the girls on sex and the city these day’s and jumping in the sack after only a few dates?  I often wonder if I am an old soul or perhaps just a romantic dreamer hoping the love of my life falls in love with who I am first rather than obsessing about how I am in bed. Maybe it is that I just have not met the right date…one I actually have chemistry with.  Men are definitely visual and seem to be ok with a woman if she is attractive even if there is nothing they have in common.  I am different, I find myself wanting more than a pretty face, needing some connection to even have an interest no matter how hot a guy is.  When TG and I first broke up I admit I went on a few spontaneous dates more so because I knew he was and I had hoped it would ease my mind some, that wonderful breakup syndrome we go through in the beginning.  But when a guy wants to grab my tit on the 2nd date or makes a similar impression I am totally turned off.  If there are any guys who actually read this….sex changes things, we all know that.  I am not looking for just a sex partner, at least not right now (although at times the thought does sound interesting).  The few dates I have been on were either to that extreme or just made me feel as if the idea of more than 2-3 dates of getting to know me on a personal level not a physical one was more than the date could handle.  Turned off, you better believe it!  Maybe now I have a bad attitude toward men in general, whatever the case I am happy right where I am.  If I meet someone and there is an interest on each end then I am up for the start of the process.  If it takes a quick turn and I get turned off then that is that.  If however there is a spark, we have a lot in common and we laugh a lot, I think there is potential.

I am for the first time in my adult life completely comfortable with being single.  I can take care of myself, I don’t have a lingering loneliness, I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel complete, I don’t need someone to validate me and I am not sitting around waiting.  I am living my life, doing things I love to do, making new friends and loving the life I have created.  If the right guy comes along…and I know someday he will, he will NOT complete me because I know I have already done that!  But he will compliment my life, he will make me smile when I think about him, he will laugh with me and be open with his thoughts.  I will be proud to talk about him to my friends and I know that he loves me for who I am not only on the outside but who I am on the inside!  Keep laughing those of you who doubt, I have seen it and I believe, life is short and there is still so much more to do, why not be patient and happy!

11 months ago I broke off a 2 year relationship that just was not working, unfortunately he passed away 7 months later and it has made the healing a bit more difficult.  Normally I would have gone out right away with my searching and most likely jumped into something right away.  That was how it always happened, never giving myself time to really deal with everything and drowning my failures with the excitement of something new.  This time I really thought hard and figured if I could continue to keep jumping into serious relationships for several years and not being happy, why not work on staying single and being happy for a change.  With the exception of a few…very few dates I have gotten a bit comfortable with my singleness.  The best thing singleness has given me is time for me, in the past I always became lost in the other person…a bit of codependency perhaps.  I realize now it was because I did not know who I was, I did not love myself and it was easier to love someone else so I would not have to face those things.  I was trying so hard to find someone who could make me feel whole but didn’t realize that wholeness is not something someone else gives you it comes within.  We have to feel complete within ourselves before we can ever have a healthy relationship with someone else.  I have searched within my self to find out what I like to do, what I want and how to overcome some personal issues that were blindly leading me into those unhealthy relationships.  I feel like my mind is clearer, I know more about what I am looking for in a man and best of all that I can survive with out one.  All that being said I have to be honest in saying I do want a partner.  I want to be in love and to be happy sharing my life with someone.  When in a relationship I am loyal, honest and committed but I expect the same from my partner.

So here I am, no longer a 30 something, looking out at the options and thinking it seems a bit tougher than it was back in my younger years.  I tried the online dating thing a few times years ago but have realized it is not for me.  Where I stand now, I think I am ready to finally open my eyes, if someone comes along, is interested and I reciprocate then we will see where it goes.  I have been married, it is not something I am against but it is also not something I am searching for and it will not happen again unless I really feel in my gut it is right.  With age I have become wiser, pickier and complacent.  I don’t want someone who feels they have to make choices for me, take care of me or speak for me.  I can take care of myself and I want a partner not a keeper.  I want someone who compliments my life who I can laugh with and who I adore.  There are many things I remember from the past online dating world that to this day makes me laugh and makes me run.  I won’t speak for other women and realizing men & women are wired differently, I may be off on my interpretations but the few things below are real turn off’s!

“I work hard and play hard”  A man who works hard is a great turn on to me and I am generally not attracted to the lazy but the playing hard….all that says to me at my age is he parties too much and chances are he is way more than I care to deal with, just having to make a statement like that makes me think perhaps he has a bit of an ego.

When a guy picks an age range that doesn’t include his own or picks one young enough to be his daughter….that says he is after one thing and it is not deep conversation.  I have always found it troubling that a 40 year old man would list he is interested in a woman in her 20 something.  Eye candy is great for getting looks and building ego but I can’t imagine it is all that fulfilling.  As adults we change so much every 10 years.  I want someone who is on the same path of maturity as I am and I prefer someone who sees the beauty with in not just on the outside.  This is one of those “wired differently” issues I am sure…women tend to love men more for who they are, the exterior then becomes more attractive.  Men like the package and are more attracted to that first….am I right here?

“If you have baggage don’t bother!”  Now come on, there is not one of us lucky enough to not have baggage at our age!  I think baggage is good because it means you have life experience it is just what you do with that baggage that matters.  Do you share, pass it on or toss it under the bed because it is behind you and there is no reason to revisit??

A man who states they like candle light dinners and long walks…strikes me as stretching the truth to fill that ever playing ideal of what women want.  Tell us what you really like and what you want, chances are if  it is going last we are going to find out sooner or later any way.

And a few things I think might be universal in what women want…..
-the toilet seat down
-compliments but keep in mind timing is everything
-chew with you mouth closed, manners say a lot
-laughter and playfulness
-clothes in the hamper not on the floor
-fast cars are ok but fast hands…not so much
-good listening skills, it really matters and yes sometimes we do test you…
-pet lovers understand pet lovers and visa versa…
-attraction, just like men if it is not there nothing can be expected
-intimacy and attention on occasion
-and most imporantly….honesty

So this started short and ended long as usual.  As far as dating goes some may think I am too picky or perhaps a bit uptight.  I have always been one to openly express my ideals knowing and believing we are all different and entitled to our own opinions.  I am in no rush to get into a serious relationship but with valentines just around the corner and being very much a single woman, maybe, just maybe it is time to start getting my feet wet again, trouble is I might have forgotten just how exactly that is done, any ideas???

Well here it is the long awaited blog, and it is long…thanks to all of you who have emailed me such kind words telling me how these touch, you it means more than you know. It is the only reason I am still here. Well, where do I start, I am not sure. I will just let my mind go and lets see where we end up. I can’t promise it will be some prolific life lesson but I will promise it will be honest. Sometimes I reread what I have posted in the past and I wonder who it was that put the words there on the page. How can I be so insightful but so fucked up? If only I could learn from my words, if I would just pay attention to them, put them in action after I write them down and live by them. I will be honest and say that many times the words fall out of my mind and onto the page with out me even thinking of them. Sometimes it is as if someone is speaking through me and I am the delivery person. Looking back on “Truth” and seeing where I am now 9 months later honestly is not very flattering. That post was written with lots of confusion, anger and fear, I had caught my live in boyfriend cheating with a past cheat…if that makes sense. Still I let him stay and now finally I believe I am strong enough to let this one go. You can’t change a leopards spots…as they say. Truth is I knew it from the start, so why did I keep it going punishing myself, wollering in the hurt and believing because it is all I know of relationships there would be nothing better anyway.

Over the past months I have come to realize that like everyone else, I am a victim of life. If I can find quiet within my mind for a time I am able to see what I like and what I don’t and gain the desire to change, then like the switch of a tv channel my mind races back into overload and I cant focus on what is really important because I am back in the race. Deep down I know what is right for me and what I need but once again that feeling of being stuck, of fearing what it would take to change, all the work and then what if so its back in the race….we all do it! In our own minds we feel more comfortable being uncomfortable. Just saying it you can see how stupid it is. How can making changes for good reasons be harder than staying where you are for bad reasons? I can’t believe it is harder only that it is comfortable, it is what we are used to. Changing creates fear and that is why we have such a hard time doing it. I am realizing now at 41 that if I don’t take the initiative to make something happen I will be stuck with my bad “Truths”. All those things I am angry at myself for not doing, or for doing for the wrong reasons will never go away. No matter what I do or where I go they will follow me, knowing that I can see I have a choice. I can stay comfortable being uncomfortable or I can be uncomfortable and face my fears, hope that I do better the next time and learn from what I did wrong the last time.

As time passes by I feel tired, the wind has been let out of my sail and I have been at a stand still, STUCK. I am starting to see that the reason I am so tired is not my age but my choices, and the reason for my choices is because I am in the race and that is life. If I care about myself and I truly want change for good reasons I have to learn how to stop and find the quiet in my mind so I can think clearly. Then I have to commit to making that quiet a part of my regular schedule, like going to the gym or eating dinner. If I don’t commit to making it a regular part of my life I will get right back in the race and loose sight of everything good that I hoped for while thinking clearly. It sounds so simple but when you throw in a relationship, work, a social life, family and friends it gets complicated and time becomes less available. As a creative person I am seeing that the quiet not only helps me think clearly with my choices but it also helps with my creativity.

Now back to the part about caring about myself. I am a codependent, compliant, non responsive person who takes more pride helping others than myself. I have always tried harder to make others happy before myself because I did not want to be selfish. Only problem is that by being that person I have neglected my happiness and if I am not happy first how can I expect to have happy relationships or a happy life…it doesn’t happen through someone else, it has to start with me! So realizing all of this over the past 9 months I can see what has to be done.

1)I have to get happy with myself, I have to eliminate the negative things that I know right now are not good for my well being and I need to replace them with positive things.

2)I have to commit to finding quiet so that I can make clear choices based on my needs, that’s not selfish it is healthy.

3)I have to put it all into motion and not say without doing, this is the hardest one because this is where the fear comes in.

4)I have to dream, to think of all the great things I have available to me and to open my mind. I need to see that there are so many possibilities for me I could never run out of new things to try and each thing has the potential to help make my quality of life better.

5)Finally, I have to believe and my believing can not happen without having some sort of connection with spirit, a connection and belief that there is a higher power and this is not all in vain. That this is only the beginning of a beautiful journey.

So there are my thoughts for now. Yes I am reading a lot of books and I am surrounding myself with wonderful friends. I am also doing things for me, a lot of things and by doing so I am seeing so many possibilities. To me those translate into hope, without hope what do we really have? For now I feel good, we all have bad days and I am sure there are some up ahead especially with some of the choices I am making but I am positive and motivated to live a better life, to stop beating myself up so I am trying. Let me know your thoughts…I would love to hear from you, just don’t ask me for a date!