Thinking Diva

So much has happened lately, the emotions brought on by the flood, seeing people hurt and rebuild, watching people join together and the strange birth from out of no where of ReTune Nashville into my life.  I have had many moments of self reflection and with each moment I keep thinking of the gift of life and the road that led me here.  For me there is a newly found happiness of just being, I am happy 95% of the time with an occasional bad mood but I realize I am in charge of my mood so it has become easier to react to things based on how I want to feel.  Feeling good happens when I am in a good mood therefore I choose to be in a good mood no matter what.

For some reason the same two questions continue popping up in my mind. Who am I?  What is my purpose?  After all this time it is these two questions that never seem go away completely.  Even when I feel I have found myself, discovered a secret to life and maybe even stumbled upon my purpose. There will be a point in time where these questions will resurface because life is continuous, always moving in a forward direction even when I don’t feel that it is.  I thought mine was on hold the past 9 years but looking in the mirror at the lines slowly collecting around my eyes I am reminded that time is marching on.

So my story is clear, it is all the things I have done, places I have been, people who have filtered through my life in various ways over time and how I have allowed all of my choices to lead my life to where I am right now.  But who I am?  I am what I think I am and I do believe that sometimes it is not what others see.  So often we filter in opinions of our self based on a false meaning from what someone said or how we interpreted what someone said.  Who we are is up to us, we have a choice in how we see ourselves and we have a choice in what we choose to believe.

Who am I?  I do know that this is and will continue to change until the day I die because time will not stop as long as I am breathing. I am a woman who loves her family.  They are and will always be the most important part of me (even if Mom thought it was cute to dress me as a skunk for halloween).  I am a very open minded person yet at times I feel I am somehow trapped by my conservative upbringing.  Yes I marvel over those who can ink up their bodies in grande displays, not because they have the balls to do it but because they have the courage to be who they believe they are no matter how others look at them.  I am a woman who feels deeply and wants to give of myself more now than I have ever wanted in my past.  I know I am intelligent although at times I feel really dumb at certain things.  I feel attractive at times but I continue to question my identity with hopes of one day secretly winning a makeover and rediscovering a diamond that I always knew was there I just had no idea how to make it shine.  I am always trying to find ways to challenge my mind and to make money through what I love but I also have found a new joy in being quiet and living simple.  I love to talk when I am around those I know but when I am around strangers I am shy and reserved.  I feel healthy, I enjoy my work outs most every day, I feel better when I eat better and I love my dog.  I have, for the first time in my life become completely content with being single and although I would love to be asked out on occasion by someone I am attracted to I feel no panic in my lack of men or my not being in a relationship.  I believe when it is time it will happen and that it is all happening exactly as it should.  I am for the first time in my life living with no worry of where my career or time will take me, I have goals and dreams but I am ok with how things fall into place because I believe that there is something bigger guiding me in the right direction.  I trust my forward path will be as it should because I am healthier in my thinking, I am spiritual and I know I am being guided.  I have embraced self love in ways I never thought I could and I believe it has given me not only confidence but also restored happiness to my life that was missing for a very long time.  Most of all I have found an enormous amount of love with in me and it makes me want to pass it on knowing how powerful that is and how good it feels.

Perhaps I am just a bunch of words, and what if I am, what if to me words are just a way for me to cope and to grow.  What if words are also my secret gift to others without even knowing it.  Often as I am writing I imagine myself as the narrator of a movie, a simple story of an average person living an average life, but it is how the words are expressed that matters, that is also what makes the story stand on its own.  Words have the potential to make a story unfold but they also have the ability to make you feel the story.  The truth is my story really doesn’t matter to you.  Who am I?  Who are you?  What is your story?  Can you tell me in a way that will make me feel, can you tell your love ones things in ways that make them feel, what is it that they are feeling from your story.  Is it a good story, if not how can it be?  Maybe we would all be in a better place, perhaps a happier place if we thought about our story and spoke it in a way where people not only felt it but it brought a smile.  You are your story so start creating, the past is the past it doesn’t carry meaning unless you allow it to.  Think about it….I am!

The older I get the more I notice that I feel others sadness when dealing with the embarrassment of public humility.  It is the biggest reason I tend to watch less tv, especially the news.  It seems that no matter how thick our skin is there are times that something said can affect us in a negative and hurtful way.  We are often too busy worrying about what others think about us or we are passing judgment about others and we forget we all originated from the same cloth.  Tiger Woods is a perfect example, though I do not agree with his actions I believe the media has taken it too far, let the man deal with his bad choices on his own and in private.  It amazes me and saddens me that our society gets so much pleasure in others pain and humility.

In my younger-past life I was very sensitive to others opinions, to the stares of those who seemed to look down on me and to those who did not like me no matter how hard I tried to make them think differently.  I worked hard to be accepted and wanted everyone to love me.  I would sometimes do things I did not want or agree with for acceptance.  Thank God I am still here to talk about them because some of the things I did in my teens could have taken my life had the circumstances been different in even a split second of the moment.

I struggled in elementary school with a speech impediment that made me different, it made other kids talk down to me and it hurt.  While they were out playing kick ball, laughing and having fun I was in a classroom trying to learn how to talk like everyone else.  As I grew older those internal feelings grew and I allowed them to manifest into something I believed not something that truly was.  I never felt I was good enough, I never felt pretty enough and I allowed my thoughts to take over my choices by settling.  I stayed in relationships that offered reinforcement on my belief through manipulation because I thought I deserved less.  I never trusted because in my mind everyone was planning to hurt me, I was outwardly doing everything I could to be accepted but privately I was sad and very alone.  I believed that loving yourself meant that you were selfish and self centered and I had become a victim in my own thinking, I was living my story…one that I myself created in my own mind.  The person here before you now is very different from that person, although at times some of those old thoughts may resurface I am always aware and I am able to find my true self, that self that I know I love.

For me something happened…something shifted somewhere around the time I entered my forties.  Perhaps it was the mere fact that I finally began the battle of wanting to love myself and except, honor and be grateful for what I had, what I was and who I am.  I think the real factor was that I was truly tired of the struggle, of the sadness and I wanted to figure out how to be happy.  Wouldn’t it be great if we all could find that early in life so that discovering the truth self-love creates for us could be experienced by all.  Imagine how much more happiness we could have encountered in our lives if this were the case, now imaging how much more happiness your children could have if you teach these things to them now.

The idea for this post came to mind when I remembered an episode that happened on the playground in 1st grade way back when I was struggling with my speech impediment and my feeling of not fitting in.  I was friends with an african american girl named Karen and we would often take turns throwing the basketball after school on the basketball courts.  It is hard to believe that where I grew up there were practically no african american people who lived or went to school with me and there were no other ethnic kids in our school.  Even today I hate that we have to use titles to represent the color of skin (or sexual preference) to define a person who is not a straight caucasian.  On this particular day as we walked to the basketball court two boys started saying awful, judgemental things to Karen because of her color.  It was obvious she was used to being talked down to in that way and she began to walk away as the boy’s continued with their rudeness.  For whatever reason and without even thinking about my actions I stood next to her with a basketball planted between my arm and resting on my hip full of attitude and confidence as I told the boys we were staying and were playing whether they wanted us to or not.  Through her humility on that day in that instant I saw a faint smile and she stayed there with me regardless of the fear she was feeling.  At the time I did not realize what an impact that must of made on her but she stayed my friend until we moved on to different schools.  I never saw her as a color but as a girl that I liked to hang out with and I have to thank my mother for those morals because she always told me that I should always treat others as I would want to be treated because in Gods eyes we are all the same.

Most of my life I allowed myself to experience humility and felt it was what I deserved, boy did I have that all wrong and now I realize it was something I made up in my own mind.  I believe that this is the reason I have always felt drawn to those who are different, to those who might be considered strange, damaged or less fortunate…perhaps it is the reason I want so badly to give something back and to make others feel good about themselves.

In my quest the greatest lesson I have learned is that you can’t make everyone love you no matter how hard you try but you can make your thoughts about what people think or say mean NOTHING….it is all how you think and what you allow yourself to believe.  Most of the time we have it all wrong in believing that someone else is even thinking about us.  Insecurity runs rampant when we allow it to but we always have the choice to love ourselves enough for it not to matter.  This is what I choose, this is who I have become and my hope is that if I can touch even just one person out there in a way that changes their self-thought in a positive way I have made some sort of difference.  As always I am sending love to all because love is the truth of why we are here.  The greatest thing you can do in life is to give love and compassion so pass it on….

Ahhh dating, we have all done it at some time in our life and know that it is either fun or not so fun.  This blog comes from my personal ideas of what I want when dating and what I have discovered I love about the process.  I have come to realize finally that in order to enjoy dating you must tell yourself  that you enjoy dating.  As I have said many times before your life reflects how you think.  I never allowed myself to enjoy dating in the past because in my mind I believed I hated it and that it was no fun to go through the uncomfortable process of meeting a stranger hoping to find love.  There will always be an occasional “BAD” date and definitely uncomfortable moments but I believe that when you decide to change your thoughts in a positive way things not only become fun but interesting!

To start I have never been very good at getting a date.  My girlfriends have said I don’t know how to flirt.  I am always that one girl that stands in the back or off to the side never making eye contact because of being shy.  My ex husband said he thought I was stuck up the first time he met me because of my being quiet and my stand-off-ish behavior.  My guy friends have said that I don’t pay attention and that overlook the interested guys and the opportunity to get a date.  I have discovered that once you embrace the idea many of these things fix themselves.  Getting a date can be as easy as smiling and making eye contact with someone I am interested in, figuring out where to find these men of attraction is a bit more difficult especially at 44.

My thoughts of dating in this very moment are that it is to be fun, be light hearted, and I must NOT be focused on wanting to find love.  I must allow time to happen and experiences to be as they are intended with no expectation knowing that if it is no longer fun I have the choice to move on.

I am in no way saying that I don’t want to be in a relationship nor that I’m not interested in finding love.  What I am saying is that dating is not necessarily those things and it can actually be fun, but only when you decide in your own mind that it can be.  I figure that if I spent half my life in relationships that I felt would not last and often was very unhappy in yet I stayed much longer than I should have…why not be single for a while and enjoy the experience solely for the sake of having fun and meeting new people.  I am learning that many times a date or a few might lead to the knowledge of  “this will never work” but can create a wonderful friendship.

I am a bit old fashion when it comes to dating, much like a young school girl in my thinking.  I’m shy with many aspects of  getting to know someone and I am always guarded when it comes to sex.  The other night I had a conversation with a man and he assured me that ALL men want sex and have it on their mind especially in the beginning stages of dating.  As a woman knowing this makes me a bit uncomfortable in how to act.  I often find myself being more reserved because I don’t want my date to perceive through playful flirting I want to sleep with him.  I was assured by my male friend that this is not the case with many women today and based on our conversation it is not uncommon for a woman to be intimate on the second or even first date.

While in the early stages of dating I prefer a guy to pursue me rather than my having to make an obvious effort although he will know that I am interested if I am.  My dating style is to be patient and get to know the guy for a while before becoming intimate, I don’t care what anyone says I feel sex changes things.

With all that being said I thought I would make a list of the things I have discovered that I love about the very early stages of dating so here is that list…even at 44 this sounds a bit elementary.

I LOVE…

*how good it feels when your date says “you’re really pretty”….and then says it again when he is walking away for the night

*when you get a text in the middle of the day you were not expecting that makes you smile and feel a little flushed at the same time

*when you look into the eyes of someone new that you are attracted to and feel excited knowing they are just as attracted to you as they look back

*when he purposely puts his arm around you for the first time and you realize how nice it feels

*how good flirting feels especially when it comes back to you

*the warmth of him sitting next to you without his actually touching you but your wanting him too

*anticipation of anything….and everything

*wanting him to hold your hand but waiting patiently for the moment to happen

*how even at 44 when a guy you have an interest in holds your hand for the first time and you still feel like that little girl did the first time a boy touched your hand under the table

*how on a blind date, if you are not interested or attracted you can still find humor in the situation and laugh about something, in that moment you realize it is a choice to either have fun…or not…or perhaps run

*when you realize he is not the right person as a mate but that you would love to be friends, he is mature enough (even if he wanted more) to realize a friendship could last a life time and quite possibly be better than a relationship ever could

*how silly,  fun and often romantic it can be to share food

*how goofy I am while trying to find something sexy to wear for a date with someone I am interested in, if only there were a hidden camera

*the nervousness of that initial introduction and the gentle ease of conversation when you know it is going well

*the anticipation of a kiss, wondering when it might happen and when it finally does feeling the butterflies take flight

*when your eyes meet and you get a strange feeling of shyness and warmth at the same time

*learning about the other person and watching their lips as they talk

*catching your self looking at their butt as they walk off to the bathroom and thinking how hot they look

*every aspect of body language and how interesting it can be from a nervous chin rub, the constant twirling of a coaster or a leg that moves enough to shake the table

*laughing, laughing and more laughing

*loosing track of time because you are having so much fun and then realizing it is really late…or early the next day

*the first kiss

*being attracted..did I mention butterflies?

*the nervousness of having them over to your place for the first time

*catching him looking at your breasts, feeling awkward yet flattered especially if he smiles with the embarrassment of being caught

*meeting his friends and noticing the secret buddy language that says you are the man for being be seen with this hot woman

*the smell of a good cologne and how it makes you more attracted to him because of how good he smells

*trying a new restaurant that neither of you have been to before

*how a slight touch and smile makes you blush when you are really into him

*the hug on the second date when you walk into the room or answer the door

*talking and laughing until morning without intimacy being any part of the equation knowing that in time that will possibly be a part of the equation

*discovering he loves something that you do

*his saying at the end of the first date….I would like to see you again

So I realize that there could be a list of the bad but I want to remain positive in my current state.  These are what things come to mind for now but there are sooo many more once you start to get your feet wet.  So as I end this post let me say I am having so much fun and truly for the first time in my adult life enjoying the act of dating.  What are your love’s I would enjoy knowing!  Until next time I am sending love out to you all…thank you for reading!

2010 has arrived and so many of us have prepared the usual list of New Years resolutions.  I have never been much for resolutions but I do set goals each year in both my personal and professional life by reflecting on my past year and deciding what changes I want to happen in order to be a happier person.  Each year my first priority always seems to start with my eating habits because diets and challenges all seem to be temporary.  Learning more about nutrition, eating fresh -not processed foods and eating smaller portions is a constant goal.  At 40 something my metabolism is not as it used to be and it is much more challenging to keep my body healthy.  I am excited about finding new ways of staying healthy, I prefer referring to it as “Staying Healthy” rather than wanting to be thin.

When I awoke this morning I though I would make a list of some of the things I have discovered in my life up to this point…here is what I came up with:

*As a woman-feeling healthy, eating right and steady exercise does wonders for self esteem!

*My biggest challenge in life is patience, if I can slow down and enjoy the ride it always has a better outcome.

*Being single can really, really be fun!

*I have no idea how to flirt, actually I stink at it because I was told that by a guy recently.  I need to work on this one.

*Winter sunrises and sun-set are absolutely beautiful!

*I have no idea how to cut wings and pizza out of my diet…or at least to replace them with a healthy alternative.  These two foods are always the first thing that come to mind when I want something really bad!

*The person who invented the chocolate chip cookie was a personal trainer who’s pleasure was seeing the pain of lunges in the eyes of the cookie eater.

*The world needs more love…in every city, state and country, I always feel a bit like a hippie from the 60′s saying that out loud but I do believe it is the most important and underachieved thing in most of our lives.  It is also the one thing that makes us feel the best at any given time when we truly feel it in our hearts.

*I have learned that with age my heart continues to soften and giving something back is becoming more and more important to me.

*That Mr. Deisel is really Mr. Barker and is continuously trying to communicate with his ancestors far away….God help my neighbors, I am working on this issue!

*If you love yourself you have self-confidence, if you have self-confidence you make healthy choices, making healthier choices makes you happier and your life becomes more fulfilling.

*You can not make everyone who comes into your life happy merely by being nice, that some people will always place blame, always be the victim and no matter what you say or do nothing will change their outlook.  With this I have also learned that you must let these people go and pray that they find love within to fix what they believe they don’t have.

*I may not know a thing about men after all!  Over and over we are told that they are very simple creatures of habit….define simple please!

*Life is exactly what we create, creation happens with the way we think. There is no one else to blame in regards to what our lives look like so we need to make our thoughts align with what we want and be accountable.

*I have learned that I have a world of things to be grateful for and I am so, so fortunate for all that I have.

*I have come to realize that I may not have ever really been in love after all.  The thought occurred to me recently while talking to a friend about love and questioning the circumstances of my past relationships.  Do I get so caught up in the excitement of someone showing me attention that I confuse the intimacy and a somewhat codependent time of being together as love.  I am not sure, I have never thought of it in this particular way before.  It is something I am seriously looking at…

*The movie “The Sound of music”? is my all time favorite, and the best love story ever!

*Every human being on this earth wants to be in love and have a partner no matter what they say, it is the most primal part of being human.  What I don’t understand is why is it not occurring more often and why when we all want it, is it so complex and hard to find?

*Coffee doesn’t taste good to me with out all the sugar, it is the one thing that I can’t make healthier and taste good at the same time!

*Working out everyday really helps me to relieve stress and I am learning to love the process more and more.

*I still after 8 years in Nashville hate cold weather…at least when it gets under 40 degrees.

*I love who I am…it has taken 44 years to be able to say it but finally I do, and I look forward to creating more for myself that I will love in the future.

*I believe my purpose here is to continue to find ways to inspire others, my desire is to help, give and continue to discover ways of doing this…it truly brings me happiness.

*Laughter is the one thing that instantly makes us feel good and we all need so much more of it!

I’ve never needed New Years for incentive to change something I needed to change. As I grow older life has become a time of discovery and I have learned to look inside for change rather than having to go outside of myself for incentive.  While doing all of this internal work I have become much happier, I laugh more and I  worry less.  Some goals continue to challenge me, I am still working on increasing my income through my passion, loosing that junk in the trunk and I still have the desire to someday be in a committed relationship. I know that with the work I am doing on ME those things are on the way. The most important thing right know is to enjoy the process, take each day moment by moment and be grateful for all that I have because I know I have a lot!  Sending love out to all of you for the new year…thank you for reading (and please leave a comment if you feel the desire)!

It is strange how your body feels when your heart  is really let down.  The thoughts of what was race through your mind along with what could have been, your heart aches and you don’t even think about food.  There is a strange emptiness within, a bit of a lost feeling and a loneliness.  Days go by and you go through the motions mostly wanting to crawl into bed and sleep only so you will forget how bad you hurt.  You hide out not wanting to see or talk to people and if you do go out it doesn’t take away the hurt , it only covers it up for a bit. The hardest part is getting your mind to stop and to refocus in a forward direction, never allowing yourself to feel anger or self pity.

I had a very long post prepared from my Thanksgiving week planned to go here but I have put it on hold for a bit.  This is so that I can move forward.  I started this blog to share my experiences in order to help others, so many times it has come back around and taught me about myself while helping, I think I am sharing today hoping to get comments that will help me so please feel free to email me if you have something to say.

My life over the past few months had taken a turn and was amazingly happy, fun and different.  It was a world wind, something I wanted and something I needed.  Although I wanted to go slow it had a mind of its own.  The ride was wonderful but it did not last for reasons that right now really don’t matter. Standing where I am and always looking at things with an open mind I can say I have learned more about me than anything. This was the first time in my life I allowed myself to experience each moment with out judgment but being completely aware of what my gut was telling me. Right now it is a disappointment only because of the fun and happiness I experienced that is no longer there, the reality of the situation was there in my gut a while back. I am proud that all the work I have done over the past few years gave me that awareness, prepared me and is giving me strength to deal with it in a positive manner.

What I have learned over these few months is that being open with someone needs to be done slowly.  Most people will say things when you first get to know them wanting so badly to make a good impression and I believe that is a natural part of human nature.  I am a very honest and open person and I think it is difficult for some to understand or to sometimes take that side of me.  If you feel a certain way because of something someone says I believe you have the option to allow it to effect you the way you choose.  There can not be blame in others words because we have the ability to think what we want. Most of all I have learned that there are no guarantees.  We can choose to be cautious and hold our self back from experiencing things due to fear or we can choose to take a chance and enjoy what ever comes knowing in a moment things could change.  I will always choose taking a chance but I also choose to always be myself and never loose that part of me while in a relationship. A good relationship is not always saying or doing what the other expects from you, it is the joining of two different people and when there are uncomfortable situations you discuss them.  If there is no discussion and you hold them in you allow that to manifest and nothing good ever comes from manifesting negative feelings. Communication and honesty is always the best method for getting to know someone and knowing if you are compatible.

Regardless of this feeling I am experiencing right now I know these things about myself and my beliefs.  I am a good person and I have a lot of love in my heart for others.  I have a lot of energy, I have a hard time sitting still especially watching tv and I don’t need a lot of sleep, I realize this is hard for some to take.   I like to learn, I like to see things, I love being creative and I enjoy music.  I enjoy being healthy through exercise and food.  I believe food in excess and drinking has become a vital part of socialization with in our culture.   With drinking weather it is “full on party time” or “just a few drinks a day” it is still allowing something to numb your awareness through comfort.   I can take it or leave it and it doesn’t need to be a part of my daily routine although I do enjoy it from time to time.  My being is not defined through others it comes from with in and it grows and improves from both positive and negative experiences and how I allow them to affect me.  I choose being positive no matter what, never blaming because I always have a choice.   When I hurt I want to allow myself to feel it knowing that my spirit is teaching me something about myself.  I believe there is something positive to be learned in every situation.  Most of all I know that everything is happening just as it should and with that alone I can move forward.  Though I am feeling a bit down there is a smile right around the corner. I will not allow myself to manifest a bad attitude, my sadness will be brief because I know there are so many more wonderful and beautiful things ahead that I still need to experience.

I will close by saying that I truly believe I am feeling good in this moment about my self and my situation because I have learned to love who I am.  Because of that I will focus on my thoughts, they will be directed on myself and my healing while overcoming this whirlwind.  Life is so sweet and has so many amazing things to offer.  I am grateful for all that I have, especially my wonderful parents, friends and the big eared white dog who is and always my little angel.

My next post will be my experience of change over the Thanksgiving week and will come soon.  Right now I am healing my heart and I am doing good.  Sending love out to all of you…thank you for reading!

Today my best friend posted a blog about love (http://www.amyvenezia.com/2009/09/23/last-night-facebook-taught-me-about-love-and-peace/).  What is strange is that the idea came to her after a facebook post went sour for her yesterday.  Some people got snippy because they were associated with the thread and they decided they didn’t want to receive the emails from the thread anymore.  Strange that a month or so ago I started some art pieces centered around the word love.  What is also weird to me is I planned on writing about love yesterday but went into a different place that was more introspective when posting.  So today I too will write about love but from the initial thought I had a few days ago…

Do you say “I love you” to those you feel you have love for?  If you are in a relationship or talking to a parent, your child or a sibling those words might come easy but what about the other people in your life who have great meaning to you but are not in that realm?  I have never had a hard time saying those words to my sister, my mom, my nephew, my dad or to a man I might have been with whom I loved.  But to say it to a girlfriend or a guy friend had never crossed my mind.  The feeling is there for those other special people but why does it seem more difficult to say those words to them?  If you were lying on your death bed and your best friends were there at your side I bet those words would come out easily!  This has been on my mind a lot because my best friend Amy V. is the one who spoke those words to me first many months ago and I have since pondered the lasting effects they have carried in not only my heart but in my thoughts toward those other important people in my life.  I have struggled first with just replying back to her, it is coming easier but now I am thinking how do I take this and spread the goodness.  After all if we all spoke how we felt with each other honestly, if we all said those words, wouldn’t it feel better knowing they knew just in case something happened and tomorrow you or they were no longer here.  And then there is the fact that just the act of speaking those words make you feel better, I believe we are here to love so why not say it?

Love is the primary force of our existence, without love there is no happiness.  When you love your family, your job, your life or any other thing it brings you joy and you are happy.  When others love you it brings you joy, makes you feel wanted, makes you feel connected.  The saddest part of this equation is knowing that there are people out there who can’t even say “I love you” to any one in their lives.  I believe this is usually passed down through the generations and they may not have ever felt love because they never received it. So here I am today in love.  Just loving everyone and sending love to all of you, sort of like the “Hug” guy from several years back.  I love my family, my friends, my home, my Deisel and my life.  I love people….all people and that includes you…with more love in this world life has to be better don’t you think?  Take the time right now to tell someone you love them, not just those who are easy to say it to but say it to someone who might be surprised.  Do that and I bet you will feel a little flutter you didn’t know was possible right there in the center of your chest…

OK Nashville this rain has finally gotten to me.  I was feeling on top of the world for a while and now I just feel blah.  A week of crappy weather and another on the way is not helping my mood.  I have been unproductive all weekend and now I am feeling guilt for not doing something with all this down time.  Right now in fact I feel lost with my life because it seems I am just plain bored.  I am in need of some coaching, some excitement and some newness.  I am tired of my diet, of my workout, of my career standing still, of my lack of money, of my lack of men and of the sameness that seems to be surrounding me these days.  I am in need of work, of fun, of some sunshine and of anything that will inspire and fill me with joy.  So what do we do in times like these?  It is normal to go through these times but how do we pull ourselves out?  This year it seems many of us are feeling this way and questioning ourselves.

On another note, I realized yesterday that even at 44 years old I am a child.  My mother said something she has never said before…”Sheri, I know I don’t say it but I am proud of you” WOW that got me.  I held my self until I hung up the phone and then felt like a child as I sat there crying feeling how that little sentence deeply affected me.  I think as children it is the one thing we long to hear from our parents lips our entire lives and here at 44 my mother said it. This years struggles both internally, with my self confidence and with life happenings has really tested my mind.  Her saying that made me feel good at first and then as if I was undeserving.  After all, I have always wanted to be as successful as her, as smart with money, investing and with business.  Lately I have realized that choosing the art industry as a career has resulted in arriving at a place 44 years of age that is not even close in comparison to what mom did at that age. I realize that life is not a game and that we really should not compare ourselves to others because we are individuals and with that our lives all take different paths.  Still I am human and there are times I am weak.  I am breathing deep and praying for some change, some guidance, something….

I know all these feelings of confusion are normal for us to experience from time to time.  I know I am very fortunate because I have so much good in my life despite the occasional bad and I am grateful but sometimes I can’t help but feel sorry for myself.  I hate this place I am at this week, I want to feel happier, I want to be around others who are happy but fear my negativity will bring others down.  I want to inspire people not bring them down.  If fact I don’t even want to put this post up but thought maybe someone out there could send me a note of inspiration to snap me out of this.  I feel something is a little off inside me this week as well.  I have not felt good, I am not sick but I have just felt a little sick to my stomach over the past week or so, it seems to come in waves.  I believe when we are in a negative state our body reacts.  In order to feel better we have to figure out in our mind what to do to change the situation.  The book “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay is a great reference to me in times like these.

So, due to my current state and this sickness I am feeling in my stomach tonight I will make this post short, I will spend some time alone redirecting my thoughts, being grateful, taking action and working toward a cure for how I am feeling right now.  Some sunshine sure would do me some good and if this is how Seattle really is whether wise I would never survive there.  I promise by the next post I will be in a better place, this is just a small road bump and this too will pass.

Last weekend I spent three days with my family down in Florida and it was by far one of the best visits I have had in years.  I spent a lot of time outdoors kayaking and boating with my sister and her boyfriend but also had some quality time with my mother.  With the recent passing of my step father and the past several years of his failing health, the last being the absolute worst, it was the first time I have been home and seen my mother calm and relaxed.  She had no plans, no where to be, nothing to do and wanted to spend time with me although if any wave of sadness came over her she was done visiting and headed home.  I have missed my mother dearly over the years, her deep love and devotion to my step father was her somewhat codependent focus in life and was what she lived for.  Living two states away and only getting home a few times a year limits the time I have to spend with family (I was the only one who moved from the nest) and talking on the phone is the best way we have to stay in touch.  These day’s mom appears a bit lost and at times she is filled with sadness, emptiness and loneliness.  I have often wondered what is worse, loving someone for 20+ years, losing them and dealing with the looniness that comes with living as two and suddenly becoming one, or growing old alone as an individual and feeling a sense of loneliness from time to time.  Not to beat a dead horse here, I do realize I just did a recent post on loneliness.  That is not what this post is about!

The past few times I have been home I have seen a big change in both of my parents and I guess I am seeing it in me as much as I don’t want to admit it.  Age is creeping in and is becoming more apparent than ever.  It’s weird how it is continuously happening but one day you somehow see it in a different light and it floors you. You notice the wrinkles on your parents face and see the changes in their bodies.  You realize they are not as invincible as they once were and see there ability is not as strong as you remembered.  You see they are weaker than before and you begin to want to protect and take care of them.   You realize that someday you will be in that place and face the reality that we do not have forever and that each day is one day less that you have to do, to be and to make a difference.  Within myself I have been aware of the aging process a lot the past two years and am trying to make the most of my time left.  I am unsure of what men feel but as a woman it is difficult to see the body change and to see the wrinkles appear.  You start to realize men no longer look your way because there is always a younger more beautiful face in the room, you miss the attention…perhaps that is my own insecurity for a later post and I should move on here.

Lately the strangest thing I have noticed is that each time I see my mother I see more and more of my grannie within her  Her features, the way her lips move when she talks, her stance.  Her mannerisms, her determination, her stubbornness and how when she wants to do something she wants to do it and if she wants to do it her way she will not allow anyone to tell her what to do.  But most of all her unlimited ability to love, to accept and to give to others just as grannie did.  She is a strong woman with deep convictions for what she wants yet a frail person filled with tenderness. At times she closes herself off and just wants to be alone.

With this visit I could see that she is still not ready to talk about my step dad and is careful in conversation to not bring up his name, when she does she tears up.  I felt a sense of her needing to get out of the house to get away from the constant reminder he is gone.  She did not really care to have me over, we met out at my sisters and other places.  I can see she is still not at the point of wanting to go through his personal things.  I get the sense she has closed off some rooms in the house, has tucked some things away so not to see them every day and she just is not ready to deal with the realization of his death.  That is just the way mom is, as far as I know she still has not visited my grannies grave site and that has been two years, she says it is just too hard, says grannie knows she loves her and she misses her.  We all grieve in our own way and can not judge other’s with how they may deal with death.

I know my mother as I am sure she knew hers and as she slowly begins to look like granny I wonder if I am slowly starting to look like mom.  I assume she deals with things much like I do as we are from the same core.  If so I think she is going to need time to find herself before she can face the actual act of letting my step dad go.  If so she will close off that part of her for a while because it is too painful, not wanting to see his things or be reminded in any other way that he is gone because just the emptiness of her bed and the loss of his presence is almost too much right now.  I don’t bring him up unless she does, I don’t ask questions or say anything that may remind her because I can’t stand to see tears in my mother’s eyes.  It seems so strange that through our parents, (if we are lucky enough to have a good relationship with them and if they are still around), we start to see so much of them in ourselves the older we get.  My grannie was one of the most beautiful people I have ever met.  She was full of life, strong willed, loving, giving and although she was this tiny frail little woman her spirit was as big as they come.  My mother is no different and I am so glad I have been blessed with the same genes.

At times it saddens me that I never had children and that the power of seeing all these beautiful changes in life will end with me, my hope is maybe someone out there will see within me the beauty of life that both my grannie and mother gave to me.  I guess in a way that is why I write and why I share with strangers hoping that someone out there will feel something in a world of numbness….life is about feeling, loving and giving something back, not the material things that you have.

I do hope someone reads these post and gets something out of them.

What causes loneliness…something I have been pondering a lot the past few weeks.  I have always been one to enjoy my quiet time, my alone time, what I like to think is the time I am most creative.  Perhaps growing up in the country without a lot of friends close by, spending afternoons as a small kid alone in the woods with a notepad writing while mom and dad worked was the beginning of my life persona.  In that time it was safe for a child to roam alone and for me it was the birth of my being.  So lately my life is full, full of creative work time, full of phone talk to the family in Florida, full of friend time and full of summer fun.  For some reason lately I have a usually small yet sometimes larger feeling of loneliness within me I can’t figure out.  I have hardly dated over the past year, I have not really had an interest and in my past 8 years since my divorce felt I was wandering a bit, jumping in too soon and overlooking what I needed in relationships just to fill a void.  I told myself after the last relationship it was time to change, I set some rules with myself, to not allow myself to get serious, to not get involved and to allow myself to live a while as a single person, embrace it and be happy.  The past year has been just that, I have discovered who I am again, learned to be independent from a man and to wake up every day allowing myself to do what ever I want to do and worry about no one else but myself.  It has been liberating, it has been challenging and lately it has become…well, a bit lonely.  After living alone for most of the year I recently allowed a “guy friend” to move in and perhaps that is where my thoughts began to change, strangely where the loneliness began to start peeking its little head in my settled mind.  When you see two people showing affection and happiness with being together it is enlightening for old farts like myself, especially when it is someone you know.

I admit I have some issues to get over with regards to opinions of men and their wondering minds…hands and other parts, with commitment, exclusiveness and cheating.  Things that I am struggling with because of my past choices and with wanting to believe there are men who are different, I know there are good honest people who live with integrity in every choice they make out there.  My best GF who happens to be 10 years younger tells me I need to really work hard on these things because they will show up if I continuously focus on them in the negative rather than believing there is a positive side.  I take full accountability for my past choices both with life and with men, hold no blame in others and realize I knew the red flags early on but did not pay attention.  I made my own choices and no one made me make them.  I have absolutely no regrets with my life except maybe that I wished I had traveled abroad as a 20 year old.

With this post as always I am trying to be positive and honest, I need to fully acknowledge my fears with men…if only women had a body part they could think from to blame for uncontrollable actions, that actually sounds like a lot of fun.  Enough said, truth is we as human beings want to be with someone who we are attracted to, to be touched and to feel connected in a deeper way than just sexual.  At least that is what I choose to believe.  I would like to believe there are relationships out there where people truly feel connected and can see themselves with the same person even when they are old.  Call me a dreamer but I want a relationship that feels like the words of a great country love song where you feel every word is a reflection of you and the other person intertwined both in love and in companionship.  Keith Urban says it better than most for me….

In the past year I have seen what I want to believe was true love many times and it always makes me smile, believe and then feel a bit sad with loneliness.  So perhaps this loneliness I am feeling lately is my spirit nudging me, saying to me to let go of the past…really let go not just think I have, to see through new eyes- like a child believing there is only good out there as if never having had experience bad, nothing to compare to, trusting my gut and opening myself to the possibilities.  Someone once said to me as I was going through a broken heart, “just think Sheri, even though you hurt right now look how beautiful it is that you now have the chance to experience the wonderful feelings that come with falling in love with someone again…..”  I wish I could remember who said that to me because it has stayed with me over the years, through many breakups and still makes me smile.

So what is it that causes loneliness..I guess the lack of something that we really need to be human.  It is tough to have a completely balanced life, to have the beautiful relationship, the perfect career, to love yourself, to live with confidence and to be happy all of the time because there always seems to be something missing, something out of alignment.  I believe in my past (for myself) it was the lack of self love, confidence and the confusion of spirit…what some may call “God”.  For the first time in my life I am no longer confused with spirit and I talk to my God everyday because I realize it is a part of me, within me and not something out side of me I am trying to find.  Although I still want to lose a few pounds and hate seeing the visual result of age in my skin I am ok with who I am.  Maybe my recent loneliness is my spirit reminding me that because those things are aligned my fears with men need to be challenged and that it is time to fill that void.  To know that because the most important internal things have been conquered now it is time to allow myself to find something outside of myself to add to the fulfillment.  Knowing now that being happy with myself on the inside is key, because by loving myself first I can love someone else honestly and share who I am knowing if it is not right I am ok being alone.  I am ok, I really am and that makes me smile, still…it sure would be nice to have someone to hold me once in a while!

Ahhhh life is so grand with all it’s twist and turns, age is my journal of things learned, lost and discovered…life is so beautiful if you allow it to be and see with open eyes and an open mind!

I am grateful….