Thinking Diva

This year I want you all to join me in celebrating February as the “LOVE” month.  No I have not regressed with age to the likes of a hippie although I have had someone call me a hippie chic recently.  Generally those who are in relationships feel the love during this month due to Valentines Day but I think the whole month (whether you are in love or not) should be celebrated with love.  I believe every month it should be celebrated but for now lets just focus on February!

This new place I have found in life revolves around being grateful for what I have, not allowing myself to focus on what I don’t and giving something back.  I have grown to understand the importance of self-love and now realize that having that allows me to give more love outside of myself.  Maybe I have watched too many romantic movies lately or maybe  I have focused too much on the wisdom of Dr. Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay.  The point is that something has shifted inside of me in the past year and I have become so full of love and gratitude that I want to share it and make it contagious.  The more I give out the more it comes back to me and the more I smile.

Let me start with the things I love on an average day in the life of me….

I love my daily 7:20 AM call from Mom in Florida, just hearing her voice, the fact she wonders what I have planned and her saying to me “I love you” just before she hangs up.  I love the kisses I get from my 100lb, 1 year old big pink eared dog just before he rings the bell hanging on the back door to go out for his morning poo.  I love the painful hour of exercise I do everyday to get my day started and how it makes me feel, how it gives me time to think, clear my head, get focused and to breath.  I love the view I see from my treehouse on the hill looking out my kitchen window each and every morning as I make my morning coffee or tea, it makes me smile every single day.  I love that I have been fortunate enough to spend every day of my adult life thus far taking pictures, creating art and doing what makes my heart sing.  I love the checking in of my friends through out the day weather on FB, by text or by phone and I am so grateful for all those who acknowledge me, I have the greatest friends in the world.  I love Nashville and my home, the warmth it brings me and the fact that I survived the journey that brought me here.  I love that I have healed from that journey, that I have found inner happiness and that I smile more because of it.  As I end each day I love the comfort of my bed, the softness of my cotton sheets, the twinkle of the lights in the distance that I see from my bedroom window as I lay my head down to sleep. I love that I am healthy, alive and feel completely connected to something much bigger than I am (who I call God).

I believe love is the single most important thing we have yet we seldom see it because we get so caught up in the rush of everyday life.  If you could imagine for a moment that it was felt by all and replaced feelings of hate, judgement, arrogance and racism (among many others)…how do you think our world would look as opposed to the way it looks right now?  I could speak of love far longer than you might care to read so I will end by saying I love that I was given the gift of creativity, I believe I am good at it and that I am finding ways to use it to give back.  Life reflects how we think, love is what we all need, and I believe is what we were put here to do.  No matter how busy you are, how little money you have or how bad you may think your life is, today lets all begin to celebrate the month of “LOVE” and see what comes back.  What are the things that YOU LOVE in the average day of YOU?  Are you grateful?  Do you show your love to others?  This month give LOVE openly, and see where it takes you.  Love is a gift to us all, it is meant to be shared…you have no excuse not to love because it is free!

Ahhh dating, we have all done it at some time in our life and know that it is either fun or not so fun.  This blog comes from my personal ideas of what I want when dating and what I have discovered I love about the process.  I have come to realize finally that in order to enjoy dating you must tell yourself  that you enjoy dating.  As I have said many times before your life reflects how you think.  I never allowed myself to enjoy dating in the past because in my mind I believed I hated it and that it was no fun to go through the uncomfortable process of meeting a stranger hoping to find love.  There will always be an occasional “BAD” date and definitely uncomfortable moments but I believe that when you decide to change your thoughts in a positive way things not only become fun but interesting!

To start I have never been very good at getting a date.  My girlfriends have said I don’t know how to flirt.  I am always that one girl that stands in the back or off to the side never making eye contact because of being shy.  My ex husband said he thought I was stuck up the first time he met me because of my being quiet and my stand-off-ish behavior.  My guy friends have said that I don’t pay attention and that overlook the interested guys and the opportunity to get a date.  I have discovered that once you embrace the idea many of these things fix themselves.  Getting a date can be as easy as smiling and making eye contact with someone I am interested in, figuring out where to find these men of attraction is a bit more difficult especially at 44.

My thoughts of dating in this very moment are that it is to be fun, be light hearted, and I must NOT be focused on wanting to find love.  I must allow time to happen and experiences to be as they are intended with no expectation knowing that if it is no longer fun I have the choice to move on.

I am in no way saying that I don’t want to be in a relationship nor that I’m not interested in finding love.  What I am saying is that dating is not necessarily those things and it can actually be fun, but only when you decide in your own mind that it can be.  I figure that if I spent half my life in relationships that I felt would not last and often was very unhappy in yet I stayed much longer than I should have…why not be single for a while and enjoy the experience solely for the sake of having fun and meeting new people.  I am learning that many times a date or a few might lead to the knowledge of  “this will never work” but can create a wonderful friendship.

I am a bit old fashion when it comes to dating, much like a young school girl in my thinking.  I’m shy with many aspects of  getting to know someone and I am always guarded when it comes to sex.  The other night I had a conversation with a man and he assured me that ALL men want sex and have it on their mind especially in the beginning stages of dating.  As a woman knowing this makes me a bit uncomfortable in how to act.  I often find myself being more reserved because I don’t want my date to perceive through playful flirting I want to sleep with him.  I was assured by my male friend that this is not the case with many women today and based on our conversation it is not uncommon for a woman to be intimate on the second or even first date.

While in the early stages of dating I prefer a guy to pursue me rather than my having to make an obvious effort although he will know that I am interested if I am.  My dating style is to be patient and get to know the guy for a while before becoming intimate, I don’t care what anyone says I feel sex changes things.

With all that being said I thought I would make a list of the things I have discovered that I love about the very early stages of dating so here is that list…even at 44 this sounds a bit elementary.

I LOVE…

*how good it feels when your date says “you’re really pretty”….and then says it again when he is walking away for the night

*when you get a text in the middle of the day you were not expecting that makes you smile and feel a little flushed at the same time

*when you look into the eyes of someone new that you are attracted to and feel excited knowing they are just as attracted to you as they look back

*when he purposely puts his arm around you for the first time and you realize how nice it feels

*how good flirting feels especially when it comes back to you

*the warmth of him sitting next to you without his actually touching you but your wanting him too

*anticipation of anything….and everything

*wanting him to hold your hand but waiting patiently for the moment to happen

*how even at 44 when a guy you have an interest in holds your hand for the first time and you still feel like that little girl did the first time a boy touched your hand under the table

*how on a blind date, if you are not interested or attracted you can still find humor in the situation and laugh about something, in that moment you realize it is a choice to either have fun…or not…or perhaps run

*when you realize he is not the right person as a mate but that you would love to be friends, he is mature enough (even if he wanted more) to realize a friendship could last a life time and quite possibly be better than a relationship ever could

*how silly,  fun and often romantic it can be to share food

*how goofy I am while trying to find something sexy to wear for a date with someone I am interested in, if only there were a hidden camera

*the nervousness of that initial introduction and the gentle ease of conversation when you know it is going well

*the anticipation of a kiss, wondering when it might happen and when it finally does feeling the butterflies take flight

*when your eyes meet and you get a strange feeling of shyness and warmth at the same time

*learning about the other person and watching their lips as they talk

*catching your self looking at their butt as they walk off to the bathroom and thinking how hot they look

*every aspect of body language and how interesting it can be from a nervous chin rub, the constant twirling of a coaster or a leg that moves enough to shake the table

*laughing, laughing and more laughing

*loosing track of time because you are having so much fun and then realizing it is really late…or early the next day

*the first kiss

*being attracted..did I mention butterflies?

*the nervousness of having them over to your place for the first time

*catching him looking at your breasts, feeling awkward yet flattered especially if he smiles with the embarrassment of being caught

*meeting his friends and noticing the secret buddy language that says you are the man for being be seen with this hot woman

*the smell of a good cologne and how it makes you more attracted to him because of how good he smells

*trying a new restaurant that neither of you have been to before

*how a slight touch and smile makes you blush when you are really into him

*the hug on the second date when you walk into the room or answer the door

*talking and laughing until morning without intimacy being any part of the equation knowing that in time that will possibly be a part of the equation

*discovering he loves something that you do

*his saying at the end of the first date….I would like to see you again

So I realize that there could be a list of the bad but I want to remain positive in my current state.  These are what things come to mind for now but there are sooo many more once you start to get your feet wet.  So as I end this post let me say I am having so much fun and truly for the first time in my adult life enjoying the act of dating.  What are your love’s I would enjoy knowing!  Until next time I am sending love out to you all…thank you for reading!

It is strange how your body feels when your heart  is really let down.  The thoughts of what was race through your mind along with what could have been, your heart aches and you don’t even think about food.  There is a strange emptiness within, a bit of a lost feeling and a loneliness.  Days go by and you go through the motions mostly wanting to crawl into bed and sleep only so you will forget how bad you hurt.  You hide out not wanting to see or talk to people and if you do go out it doesn’t take away the hurt , it only covers it up for a bit. The hardest part is getting your mind to stop and to refocus in a forward direction, never allowing yourself to feel anger or self pity.

I had a very long post prepared from my Thanksgiving week planned to go here but I have put it on hold for a bit.  This is so that I can move forward.  I started this blog to share my experiences in order to help others, so many times it has come back around and taught me about myself while helping, I think I am sharing today hoping to get comments that will help me so please feel free to email me if you have something to say.

My life over the past few months had taken a turn and was amazingly happy, fun and different.  It was a world wind, something I wanted and something I needed.  Although I wanted to go slow it had a mind of its own.  The ride was wonderful but it did not last for reasons that right now really don’t matter. Standing where I am and always looking at things with an open mind I can say I have learned more about me than anything. This was the first time in my life I allowed myself to experience each moment with out judgment but being completely aware of what my gut was telling me. Right now it is a disappointment only because of the fun and happiness I experienced that is no longer there, the reality of the situation was there in my gut a while back. I am proud that all the work I have done over the past few years gave me that awareness, prepared me and is giving me strength to deal with it in a positive manner.

What I have learned over these few months is that being open with someone needs to be done slowly.  Most people will say things when you first get to know them wanting so badly to make a good impression and I believe that is a natural part of human nature.  I am a very honest and open person and I think it is difficult for some to understand or to sometimes take that side of me.  If you feel a certain way because of something someone says I believe you have the option to allow it to effect you the way you choose.  There can not be blame in others words because we have the ability to think what we want. Most of all I have learned that there are no guarantees.  We can choose to be cautious and hold our self back from experiencing things due to fear or we can choose to take a chance and enjoy what ever comes knowing in a moment things could change.  I will always choose taking a chance but I also choose to always be myself and never loose that part of me while in a relationship. A good relationship is not always saying or doing what the other expects from you, it is the joining of two different people and when there are uncomfortable situations you discuss them.  If there is no discussion and you hold them in you allow that to manifest and nothing good ever comes from manifesting negative feelings. Communication and honesty is always the best method for getting to know someone and knowing if you are compatible.

Regardless of this feeling I am experiencing right now I know these things about myself and my beliefs.  I am a good person and I have a lot of love in my heart for others.  I have a lot of energy, I have a hard time sitting still especially watching tv and I don’t need a lot of sleep, I realize this is hard for some to take.   I like to learn, I like to see things, I love being creative and I enjoy music.  I enjoy being healthy through exercise and food.  I believe food in excess and drinking has become a vital part of socialization with in our culture.   With drinking weather it is “full on party time” or “just a few drinks a day” it is still allowing something to numb your awareness through comfort.   I can take it or leave it and it doesn’t need to be a part of my daily routine although I do enjoy it from time to time.  My being is not defined through others it comes from with in and it grows and improves from both positive and negative experiences and how I allow them to affect me.  I choose being positive no matter what, never blaming because I always have a choice.   When I hurt I want to allow myself to feel it knowing that my spirit is teaching me something about myself.  I believe there is something positive to be learned in every situation.  Most of all I know that everything is happening just as it should and with that alone I can move forward.  Though I am feeling a bit down there is a smile right around the corner. I will not allow myself to manifest a bad attitude, my sadness will be brief because I know there are so many more wonderful and beautiful things ahead that I still need to experience.

I will close by saying that I truly believe I am feeling good in this moment about my self and my situation because I have learned to love who I am.  Because of that I will focus on my thoughts, they will be directed on myself and my healing while overcoming this whirlwind.  Life is so sweet and has so many amazing things to offer.  I am grateful for all that I have, especially my wonderful parents, friends and the big eared white dog who is and always my little angel.

My next post will be my experience of change over the Thanksgiving week and will come soon.  Right now I am healing my heart and I am doing good.  Sending love out to all of you…thank you for reading!

What causes loneliness…something I have been pondering a lot the past few weeks.  I have always been one to enjoy my quiet time, my alone time, what I like to think is the time I am most creative.  Perhaps growing up in the country without a lot of friends close by, spending afternoons as a small kid alone in the woods with a notepad writing while mom and dad worked was the beginning of my life persona.  In that time it was safe for a child to roam alone and for me it was the birth of my being.  So lately my life is full, full of creative work time, full of phone talk to the family in Florida, full of friend time and full of summer fun.  For some reason lately I have a usually small yet sometimes larger feeling of loneliness within me I can’t figure out.  I have hardly dated over the past year, I have not really had an interest and in my past 8 years since my divorce felt I was wandering a bit, jumping in too soon and overlooking what I needed in relationships just to fill a void.  I told myself after the last relationship it was time to change, I set some rules with myself, to not allow myself to get serious, to not get involved and to allow myself to live a while as a single person, embrace it and be happy.  The past year has been just that, I have discovered who I am again, learned to be independent from a man and to wake up every day allowing myself to do what ever I want to do and worry about no one else but myself.  It has been liberating, it has been challenging and lately it has become…well, a bit lonely.  After living alone for most of the year I recently allowed a “guy friend” to move in and perhaps that is where my thoughts began to change, strangely where the loneliness began to start peeking its little head in my settled mind.  When you see two people showing affection and happiness with being together it is enlightening for old farts like myself, especially when it is someone you know.

I admit I have some issues to get over with regards to opinions of men and their wondering minds…hands and other parts, with commitment, exclusiveness and cheating.  Things that I am struggling with because of my past choices and with wanting to believe there are men who are different, I know there are good honest people who live with integrity in every choice they make out there.  My best GF who happens to be 10 years younger tells me I need to really work hard on these things because they will show up if I continuously focus on them in the negative rather than believing there is a positive side.  I take full accountability for my past choices both with life and with men, hold no blame in others and realize I knew the red flags early on but did not pay attention.  I made my own choices and no one made me make them.  I have absolutely no regrets with my life except maybe that I wished I had traveled abroad as a 20 year old.

With this post as always I am trying to be positive and honest, I need to fully acknowledge my fears with men…if only women had a body part they could think from to blame for uncontrollable actions, that actually sounds like a lot of fun.  Enough said, truth is we as human beings want to be with someone who we are attracted to, to be touched and to feel connected in a deeper way than just sexual.  At least that is what I choose to believe.  I would like to believe there are relationships out there where people truly feel connected and can see themselves with the same person even when they are old.  Call me a dreamer but I want a relationship that feels like the words of a great country love song where you feel every word is a reflection of you and the other person intertwined both in love and in companionship.  Keith Urban says it better than most for me….

In the past year I have seen what I want to believe was true love many times and it always makes me smile, believe and then feel a bit sad with loneliness.  So perhaps this loneliness I am feeling lately is my spirit nudging me, saying to me to let go of the past…really let go not just think I have, to see through new eyes- like a child believing there is only good out there as if never having had experience bad, nothing to compare to, trusting my gut and opening myself to the possibilities.  Someone once said to me as I was going through a broken heart, “just think Sheri, even though you hurt right now look how beautiful it is that you now have the chance to experience the wonderful feelings that come with falling in love with someone again…..”  I wish I could remember who said that to me because it has stayed with me over the years, through many breakups and still makes me smile.

So what is it that causes loneliness..I guess the lack of something that we really need to be human.  It is tough to have a completely balanced life, to have the beautiful relationship, the perfect career, to love yourself, to live with confidence and to be happy all of the time because there always seems to be something missing, something out of alignment.  I believe in my past (for myself) it was the lack of self love, confidence and the confusion of spirit…what some may call “God”.  For the first time in my life I am no longer confused with spirit and I talk to my God everyday because I realize it is a part of me, within me and not something out side of me I am trying to find.  Although I still want to lose a few pounds and hate seeing the visual result of age in my skin I am ok with who I am.  Maybe my recent loneliness is my spirit reminding me that because those things are aligned my fears with men need to be challenged and that it is time to fill that void.  To know that because the most important internal things have been conquered now it is time to allow myself to find something outside of myself to add to the fulfillment.  Knowing now that being happy with myself on the inside is key, because by loving myself first I can love someone else honestly and share who I am knowing if it is not right I am ok being alone.  I am ok, I really am and that makes me smile, still…it sure would be nice to have someone to hold me once in a while!

Ahhhh life is so grand with all it’s twist and turns, age is my journal of things learned, lost and discovered…life is so beautiful if you allow it to be and see with open eyes and an open mind!

How can a guy have multiply sex partners in the same week with out any feelings of regret and how can men be so excited about having sex and not be excited about falling in love?

Money, Men, Self-Discovery and being Just Friends…how do all these tie together???

I cant shake this feeling…we have all felt it. That sickening feeling we get from deep down in our gut when we finally face a lost love, a broken relationship, a breakup. It makes you sad, it fills you and shakes you to the core. At moments you see the other side thinking through the list of why you will be better off…you replay it over and over and it helps. You might smile and think to yourself this time I will be more careful, I will be more aware as to not make the same mistakes. So not to trust something that is untrustable, to not get involved with one which can not be open or capable of letting you see deep inside the others heart. Then at any moment throughout the day you are brought to your knees. Your chest aches, your stomach feels sick, your heart feels empty and you cry. You beg for God to please make you feel better. You wish it could have been as you wanted it to be. You are mad at him, you are mad at your self, you are lonely, minutes pass, maybe hours then you are once again weak. A fragile tired being who wants to talk to no one. You lock yourself away and feel these things over and over for days on end.

I wrote those words a week or so ago, I am feeling much better now even though I just had an awakening…

A word on pocket dialing…be careful. I just heard (for an hour) my sort of ex intimately involved with a…well there are words for girls like “Katie” on the road but lets just say young and stupid girl. I am not sure who is stupider though him or her. Anyway without going into detail it settled my mind from a struggle I was having for a while. I am not all that surprised and I feel like I am stronger for the free info..so to speak. Yes the universe works in strange ways. The thing is he still lives with me and although I have asked him to move out a while ago his time on the road has taken away his time to make arrangements to go, I have been understanding, until now. Honestly I feel like he is a dog! In his last intended call to me just 7 hours earlier he missed me, he loves me so much and can’t live without me, he cant wait to get home to make up with me, he is hurting, he is sorry. I listened quietly until he said he loved me and hung up. This was actually the second accidental pocket dial and I have to say it gives new meaning to “I wish I could be a fly on the wall”, no visuals needed. TG, save the bullshit and grow up. It must really feel like shit to be caught red handed so to speak. Unfortunately this is the 4th guy in my lifetime I dated that I caught red-handed. That really sucks! At the moment I am fighting the idea that all men are the same. Please someone tell me different I could use some positive words right now.

So without focusing on what really doesn’t matter anymore I have to ask…when do you know to trust that feeling in your gut that tells you someone is not who your think they are? Especially when you keep dating those kind of men? I trust because I don’t want to carry over the baggage from the last disaster and I don’t want to accuse because of my insecurities. Maybe I am naive or just stupid but I don’t want to fall into that negative place where I dont try to love again because of fear. But then how will I know if that feeling of distrust is real or brought on from my past. With this…lets call him, pocket dial ex…or PDE, I had the feeling he was not who he was from the start. Of course I didnt listen because I thought I was just being paranoid and I fell in love, he was special. The guy before him had lied and cheated to the point where even his mother covered for him once. So how do you trust a man and that feeling of doubt. PDE has lied about everything and I kept forgiving and kept opening my heart, why? From where I am standing the last 3 serious relationships after my husband have been nothing but disasters. The one before my marriage was no different and obviously my marriage was a disaster for different reasons. Not one had been honest and the 4 guys other than my ex husband were dishonest and unfaithful. All I want is to be in a serious relationship with an honest man, to be happy and to be loved, is that such a hard thing to find? I found only the serious part in all of them, although I believe that somewhere within all of them there was a form of love. I believe that true love is honest though so where does that leave all my past relationships…has it all just been a lie. I have read that we attract those who mirror who we are. I have tried and tried to understand this and it makes no sense. I am honest…sometimes too honest, hell I bare my soul right here for all to see. I would never cheat on someone I was in a relationship with especially living with them.

So right now I am numb. The tears stopped days ago, well maybe one or two. PDE has been partying his past few weeks away on the road, that I know and I am sure there is much more I do not know and that is a good thing. I know just enough to be sure he is not my kind of guy, I wanted him to be but he couldnt be honest and that hurts so bad. He has no idea how bad. He is on a plane headed home and although the last thing I heard on his phone earlier was him discovering the open phone line and saying “Oh my God, Fuck…not again” before the line went dead. I am supposed to pick him up at the airport, curious if he will call and act as though nothing happened hoping I did not hear anything. Maybe he will call to say he has another ride and feel as though he has escaped the firing squad when I am calm and collected. I am sure he will feel something when he tries to hug me and my knowing he has another woman still on his skin and breath…well that sickens me. How will he feel when he reads this? I am sure he will be pissed and somehow turn it around to look as if I deserved it all. Maybe if he hates me it will make it all easier. Why should I hide, I feel better just putting these words down and he has to live with himself and who he is…I am ok. I am unsure of how I will act, maybe I will just be quiet or maybe I will loose it, who knows. I know it will be an uncomfortable few weeks. Through all of his negative traits I still see good in him, I hoped I could be different for him, that I could save him from all the pain he has had in his life. I will forgive him and I will wish only the best for him and pray to God that he finds a way to find happiness because his life has been so difficult and his childhood is all to blame. Some just are not able to get over those things and it breaks my heart. I definitely have some healing to do and will not be able to do so until he is gone. I am ok, with all the work I have done over the last year I know I am in a better place and this is the beginning of a new me. It will take some time but I will trust again but I will be in a better place this time before jumping in, perhaps all the other lessons were to teach me to take my time, to not move so fast and to really pay attention. Pay attention to what is on the inside first…what is in my gut. I have learned to love myself and I want to find someone who understands that and loves himself. I am ok…I will not let men like these ruin my belief that there are some good ones out there. They always say the nice girls attract the bad ones and visa versa. I need to find one of the guys who understands honesty and integrity. I have that and I can stand tall and secure in my shoes.

So as I end this blog and start my Saturday, a word on pocket dialing…BE CAREFUL. Ahhh we sure do live in a different era, arent electronics great!

Life holds so many secrets and many times uncovers things that so often make no sense. Belief seems to be my primary source of comfort both when I am at my lowest point and when I am at my highest point in life. Through a lot of personal work over the years I have uncovered my stories, tried hard to let them go rather than bury them and move forward so that I could change my path in life. I have lived through good and bad times, feel as though I have made a lifetime of mistakes (as we all do) and have no hard feelings nor blame for anyone but myself. I put myself in every situation I was in right or wrong and knew in my gut if it felt right or wrong when I was in each place. It was in those times that I knew and never paid attention or didn’t want to believe that the situations was wrong for me. I choose to snub the inner voice and let things take a path that time proved was not supposed to be, each time for the hope of being loved and finding happiness. Those are the choices that I have learned the most from and I know now that they were all made for only one reason. I want love… to be loved and to feel loved and that can not happen until I love me. I have said it over and over and will probably say it again but at least now it is a constant thought. I can’t sort of love me or sometimes love me, I have to love who I am and be ok with me, there is no other way, it cant work outside of me until it works with in me. I have known that and fought with it all my life.

Tonight however I had an profound thought…..that enormous light bulb went off and I pondered this “loving me” knowledge from a different perspective. There is another side to this I never really thought of before now, it is a two way street, I can not be loved or feel loved by someone who does not love them self. It can’t work, it doesn’t work and it has not worked in any of my past relationships. It was not necessarily that the choices were bad it was more the fact that, in my opinion, none of the men of my past truly loved themselves and because of that they were incapable of loving me. Now don’t get me wrong…that does not make up for infidelity, dishonesty or verbal abuse but it does make since. Seeing that, believing that and knowing how it all works it is now my belief that to find true and meaningful love you have to first love yourself and then you will attract that love back into your life because you will see what is healthy and what is not. When you become healthy inside you bring healthy people into your life. It is no different than if you are rich and successful you draw rich successful people into your life. If you are angry and unhappy you draw angry and unhappy people into your life…and on it goes.

I guess we all feel we learn more from the mistakes than from the good things, I only wish we could focus more on the good things and less on the mistakes. I have been sad for a while, hopeful at times and unsure of the road ahead. I can’t say what won’t be happening next year but I can say with great assurance that it will hold many new and wonderful things for me both personally and in business. I have put it into motion and will only allow happiness to come my way. I am tired, I want to smile, I want to laugh and I want to…well just be happy. Right now I am willing to myself great times, great friends and lots of money! Love….well, the only focus on love for now is to love me, to focus on what I need to do and to get myself together so that I can love and be loved the way it was intended. I am grateful for everything I have and I have plenty. I am grateful for all that I have had both right and wrong because it has brought me to this place…this place of thinking, acceptance, admission, certainty, conclusion, confidence, expectation, faith, feeling, intuition, knowledge, mindset, thinking, trust and understanding. In that sentence is everything I have been searching for, for the past 42 years, if I had only looked at the Rogets Thesaurus sooner….see for yourself!

http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/belief

Well since I have laid here for the past few hours unable to sleep pondering the above line I finally decided to put my thoughts down rather than replaying them in my head for another 2 hours before getting up. This house sits on a steep hill and it has been a restless night as I have been unable to sleep with the wind whipping loudly across the windows. I guess I will start with relationships which seems to be the root of all my excess baggage. Those of the opposite sex would be the main source and for me would consist of the following…miss trusted, miss judged, unfaithful, non-communicative, mis-communicated, misinterpreted, controlling, arrogant, self-centered, silent, loud, uncommitted, judgementive, verbally abusive, uncommon, introverted, extroverted, argumentative, non monogamist and dishonest. My friendships have been better chosen although there are a few that held many of the above traits, namely dishonest and mis judged…damn it sounds like the roof is going to fly off here and the wolf is driving me crazy pacing nervously outside the door, anyway…so with the above descriptive words I have to admit I am often too trusting and honest for my own good. I often only see the good in others and avoid seeing the bad for an extended period, usually long enough to have wasted a lot of time which has lead me to now, today. I have picked unhealthy relationships where I have been lied to, cheated on and verbally abused. I have caught my a best friend with my boyfriend and caught a boyfriend with another woman not once but twice…or more. With all the baggage that has been left over the years it is a wonder I can function let alone why anyone would bother to ask me out for a date.

So now is where I have to tell the beauty of it all….I realize that I am not alone. We all have stories and have experienced disappointment from bad decisions. I realize that there are many people out there that just seem to have it together, fail to make these sort of choices and have lead much more satisfying lives in relationships that were healthy. I also realize that I allowed each of the unhealthy relationships to continue in my life for long periods of time and I have no one else to blame but myself. I except that blame but refuse to hold onto it and allow it to hold me back from what I believe lies ahead. I could analyze my life and say my choice of dysfunctional relationships was due to the dysfunctional relationship I witnessed of my mother and father. I am sure that it all affects us when exposed to those things but for me my decisions were because I lacked inner strength and confidence. Something I feel I have found and I am proud of. Those two things will allow me to make better healthier choices with everything in my life.

Even though I feel I have continuously failed with my past choices of men I have to be honest…I was getting something good out of each and every one of them or I would not have stayed. You just dont stay if you are not getting something, as humans we are needy and we all want and we all get. So how is it possible for me to not carry the baggage from my past. Well it is a choice. I dont want the drama, I dont need the anguish and I truly believe that holding on only repeats the pattern. Letting go offers possibilities and allows us to experience new things. We cant erase where we have been but we can change the direction we are going based on what we have learned. We have to have a desire to find our way and for me that is reason enough to let the past go. I know I will make mistakes in the future but I cant let those mistakes hold me back.

I have been told quite often that I open myself up too much, that I am too honest and trusting and that people will take advantage of me because of it. Maybe that is true but the fact remains it is who I am and in order for me to be happy I have to allow myself to be who I am. I now realize I just need to pay more attention and allow myself to walk away from those type of people, not feel bad about it and leave the baggage behind. I don..t have to go out of my way to make everyone like me. You cant make everyone like you it is not possible. Right now I feel better than I can remember ever feeling before. Each day I get up I think of what is possible and it seems I have a smile on my face most of the time. Letting go has made me feel like I am moving forward…I honestly feel I have lost the luggage!

Lately I have been wondering if there is truth in honesty, is there a difference between the two even though they appear to be one in the same? It sounds a bit strange but I am starting to wonder is truth is what we make it mean and honesty is….well, being honest. I have to ponder that because of things that happened in my last relationship and most recently in a friendship. I am starting to believe that when someone is telling the truth it may not be completely honest. Maybe you were somewhere and you are honest about that but you omit who you were with. Maybe you tell someone you are interested in you will let them know if there is another interest but you omit that if it is someone they are friends with. Maybe you tell someone how special they are to you but you omit that there is someone else that you feel the same way about. It is truth in reality but is it being honest. I am not sure…I think that we make our choices to say what we feel solely for our own self gain or worth based on the morals that were instilled in us. Sometimes there might be a bit of jealousy, revenge or maybe even protection when being truthful with someone, after all we are only human. An example might be I saw Tom the other day at the game, he looked good, but you omit that he was with someone because of fear of hurting the one you are telling (then you pray they wont ask) In fact you might say it in a way to keep that from being questioned…I caught a glance of Tom at the game he seemed in a hurry but looked good. Just examples but my point is that it is being truthful but is it being honest. The honest response would be I saw Tom with some girl at the game, he looked good.

My last relationship often appeared very truthful but it was not honest. Imagine how much could be omitted and how dysfunctional that could make a relationship, or a friendship. I guess what it boils down to is we are all different and we are human. I think I am often too honest and maybe I should try being more truthful instead, but then I am not sure I would feel comfortable in my skin. Maybe I should just be more quiet…ok those of you who know me got a laugh there but maybe I should try to change in some ways. Perhaps by doing so I wont keep repeating the pattern with the same results. We have all been reminded of these things and it will continue, I know that, I except it and each time I learn…over and over I learn. I guess with each time we get stronger and learn to pay more attention to the details. I am starting to pay attentions to the subtle signs that are always there but I often miss because I am caught up in the emotion of sharing. There are many things I am experiencing now in my life that I could do with out but then I am learning to be happy, make better choices and opening my mind to what is possible. For today my truth will be honest, I wont omit anything but I wont go out of my way to make it known, yes I might just be quiet….but only for a little while!